Xanax

I am a survivor of #Suicide . I live with the guilt every. damn. day. So why tell my story now? I want to feel liberated. I want to #EndTheStigma . And I want people to know why and how and when. So that maybe they can see the signs or the #triggers for someone they love who might be struggling.

This is me. This is my story. And this is me at my most vulnerable.

First, an introduction. I’m a 36-year-old, former PR pro turned #sahm and housewife. I struggle with #Depression and extreme #Anxiety . I’m #neurodivergent , you’ll quickly come to realize just how #ADHD I really am, and I’ve recently been diagnosed with #borderlinepersonality disorder.

So that's me. Definitely not a princess and I don't wear a cape. I'm still hopeful for a happily ever after, though.

And now, some context.

It's important to understand that I've felt unlovable all of my life. Growing up in a traumatic home and seeing more hate than love had its toll on me. And being emotionally abused and neglected as a child and having it continued through my adulthood continually makes me feel unworthy of love. Despite my efforts to be the best daughter I can possibly be, I get constant reminders of my selfishness. My unhelpfulness. My failures. It's just facts. I'm in therapy, don't worry.

It wasn't until I met my husband at 19 years old that I experienced unconditional love from someone other than my brother, my grandparents (RIP), and my pets. To this day, I still don't believe it or understand it. I'm hard to love and I don't grasp how someone can love all of me - with everything that comes with me. Skeletons and all. I still don't love myself. I'm in therapy, don't worry ;-)

Ok, now for the story.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: depression, suicide, self-harm, self-hate.

It was the morning of Monday, November 18, 2019. I had suffered a weeklong streak of migraines and hadn't left our bed in almost as long. I was depressed, and I was well off meds because I couldn't keep food or water down. I was exhausted and hopeless. At the time, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, #Insomnia , and ADHD. I was in a complete state of psychosis. I had no idea and neither did my husband.

In the most loving way possible, my husband was over my sickness and depression. He'd been single parenting our 4-year-old for over a week, and he needed his wife back. We fought. About what, I can't remember. It doesn't matter but whatever it was sent me into a downward spiral I couldn't climb out of.

This is where everything gets foggy, or completely dark. My mind has blocked most if not all of the rest.

Like a zombie (or so I'm told), I got out of bed, threw on some scrubby clothes, got my son dressed and fed, and walked him over to the neighbor's house for childcare that day. I don't remember any of that part, at all. My hubby said my face was blank and my eyes were vacant.

In my brain, the wheels were already turning. This was a feeling I was intimately familiar with. My comfort blanket. How many different ways could I imagine dying this time? If only I could just disappear and not come back. It would be so easy. So simple. No one would miss me. I'm a burden to so many. They're basically living without me already.

After dropping my son off at daycare, I returned to bed. Hubby had more words with me before leaving for work. After he was gone, I googled, "How much Xanax does it take to kill yourself?" and "Can you die from too many muscle relaxers?"

Five minutes later, I swallowed my entire prescription: 30 tablets of 2mg #Xanax .

As a topper, I also poured 15 muscle relaxers down my throat, left over from my car accident in early April. Or was it from my wisdom tooth removal? So many procedures and pain meds and illicit prescriptions to choose from. I then ditched the bottles to make it harder for the EMTs to identify what I'd taken. I'd planned this meticulously in my mind for years.

I sat forward and said my goodbyes to the dogs. The longest goodbye and cries for Duke, of course. Kisses for Cooper; he couldn't understand what was happening, but Duke was completely aware. Duke jumped on the bed and put his head in my lap. I cried as I said my goodbyes out loud to my son (as if he could hear me from afar), reassuring him that his life would be full of joy and accomplishments without the burden of his overweight, depressed, mess of a mom. I'd be there in spirit, I said. Watching him succeed and rooting him on, always. I cried and wished that my husband would find new love and hope. That all his dreams and wishes would come true. That life would be good for him because he is an amazing man that deserves the world.

I drifted off.

When I awoke two days later I was hooked up to machines from my neck and both wrists. My husband was right by my side and my brother came into view.

I remember thinking, "Fuck, how the FUCK am I still here?!"

So here's what I'm told.

After hubby left for work, he ran a few errands close to home. Before getting on the freeway, however, he got a *weird feeling* in his gut and decided to backtrack home to check on me before heading into Seattle for work. Thank god he did. He saved my life and he will forever be my hero.

When my husband arrived home, he called out for me. Nothing.

He found me upstairs, unconscious and blue in the face. I was halfway fallen off the bed.

He called 911 and immediately started CPR at the operator's direction.

It was six long minutes before paramedics arrived.

They couldn't identify what I'd taken and were unsure if Narcan should be used for overdose.

My heart had stopped. I wasn't breathing.

It took nearly 8 minutes for them to get a heartbeat.

With a faint heartbeat, I was quickly transferred to the ambulance and rushed to NW Hospital in North Seattle. After life-saving measures were taken, I'm told that doctors placed me in an induced coma to allow my organs to heal and regain strength after shutting down. I was on a ventilator to support my lungs, and another machine to pump my heart. Once the doctors took me out of the coma, they slowly removed me from the heart machine as I grew stronger. The ventilator came next. I finally awoke.

What's happened next? You'll have to follow my next posts to read more.

#MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealth #SuicidePrevention #depressionsucks

Day 1. And honestly looking for some advice or support as a do this.

I've was taking Xanax (Azor here in South Africa) for a good 3 years or so, then was switched to clobazam (Urbanol) earlier this year. It's been about 4 years since I was put on benzos and while I know it's only recommended for short term use, I've remained on a low dose and my doctor only prescribed 2 months at a time.

Now, with the brain fog of Fibro getting worse and my memory giving me issues, I decided it's time to get off. I'm tapering and doc said 1/2 my usual dose every night for 2 weeks then same dose but every second day for another 2 weeks.

I took my first half dose last night and what a night it was! The nightmares and vivid dreams, waking up a lot and feeling a bit nauseous. This morning I feel super weird. Very dizzy, nauseous, tired. It also feels like someone is holding ice against my forehead and arms. And I have a strange feeling running up the back of my neck into my head, it changes from an icy feeling to a slight pins and needles feeling.

I'm not freaking out... Yet, haha... Because I know I'll experience withdrawal (I tried to do this before and failed) and right now I'm just uncomfortable and feel a little weird. However, I know it's going to get a little harder before it gets easier.

Anyone else go through benzo withdrawal after being on them for a few years? How did you manage? Any tips?

#benzo #withdrawal #detox #Xanax #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Fibromyalgia #AnxietyMedication #PsychiatricMedication #Advice

Looking for advice- unfortunately, about two years ago when my anxiety was unbelievable, I got prescribed Xanax and did indeed become addicted. Very much so. It’s taken almost two years now but I’m almost off. My brains coming back. It’s exciting and also completely terrifying. I haven’t been able to work because of withdrawals, but I’m well enough now to at least get out into the world and start trying.
I miss life. I miss people.
The problem is, in my past, the people I had in my community as friends were not nice people. It’s not a great neighbourhood and holds a lot of dark memories from my past.
I don’t have many people to rely on or even see and it’s led to (along with other things) a huge crash in self esteem and confidence.
What are some things I can do to get out and be social without committing to a job yet? I’ve thought of volunteering but any other ideas are also helpful!

#Benzos #withdrawal #Xanax #valium #Socializing #BPD #social isolation #CovidIsolation #selfisolation #Newfriends

After 5 years of dealing with GAD and panic/anxiety attacks; trying over 50 different medications; I was finally prescribed xanax. I have a lot of physical symptoms of anxiety and no other medication worked. I’ve wanted to try a benzodiazepine for a really long time and when my doctor said we could try it I almost cried. I don’t take it everyday, only as needed but it has really helped a lot. However , I’m experiencing some weird side effects. When I take it , I get hungry and my libido increases. I looked it up to see if this was normal but everything is saying that it typically decreases libido. Has anyone else experienced this ?? #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Xanax

So I suffer from anxiety. But I am also a recovering alcoholic. The only medication that helps me when I have a panic attack or an anxiety attack is Xanax. I never abuse it. A 30 day supply can last me for 3 months because I only take it when I need it. I have never felt that it was addictive for me. But my thearapist refuses to prescribe me Xanax because she says that it works in the same way that alcohol does and she does not want me to depend on Xanax. She wants me to try Busbar. But I do not want another medication that I have to take daily. I just need something for when I actually need it. I find it very frustrating that therapists always think that they know what’s better for you than you do, and I cannot stress enough to her that she is hindering my mental health recovery. Wondering if I should change therapists. Anyone else go through this?
#Anxiety #notrust #nottrusted #Medication #benzodiazipine #PanicAttack anxietyattack #Xanax

My psychiatrist prescribed me with Alprazolam 500mcg and should only be taken when needed.

Please tell me if the reasons below are okay for me to pop in one 500mcg of Alprazolam almost on a daily basis but not daily.

Lately, I’ve been taking it for almost everyday. The reasons that I have are the following:

1. When I got so upset with someone dear to me that I started my heart beating fast, I started hurting myself. I took a pill after.
2. When I was feeling down, really sad, feel like crying.
3. Worried too worried that I couldn’t work.
4. When I found out that the same person (no.1) might have cancer of the blood.

Lately I’ve been feeling sad, additional factors:

1. That person who might have cancer, I’m scared.
2. The lockdown in our country + the bad response with the pandemic.
3. Fear of getting the virus.
4. Still no vaccine for the public.

Hope someone helps me out. My next session with my psychiatrist is not until May 2021.

#alprazolam #Xanax #Anxiety #Depression

I have attempted to overdose before. Waking up alone, realizing I was still alive then vomitting my insides out is not what I expected to happen. But it did. Unfortunately i know a lot of people have a similar story. I often think about overdosing again. Specifically on Xanax because it seems like it will be less likely to screw me over than any other pills I have acess to. But in planning it I realized I’m still not recovered from my last attempt. Physically I was fine and didn’t have any major deficits (that I know of.. I never got admitted anywhere). But mentally I don’t know. I never really took the time to examine it. I just put it on the back burner with all my other crap. I never processed through it but maybe cuz there’s nothing to process? Maybe cuz it happened a while ago. Or just cuz I see the issue as black and white- I tried to die, but I lived. End of story. Just black and white, simple. You know? Anyway if you’re comfortable, feel free to share any stories. About your physical or emotional recovery. I mean it’s probably not going to be of value to me I don’t actually know why I’m asking lol. I guess I’m just curiois to see if people had my same mindset of not going to the hospital and just pretending it didn’t happen and not telling anyone. Don’t mean to be insensitive I just take things with humor a lot or depersonalize.

#Depression #Suicide #SuicidalThoughts #BipolarDisorder #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #dissociativedisorders #overdose #Xanax #pills #DepressiveDisorders

Up up up down down down up ⬆️ up ⬆️ up 🆙 . Usually a negative situation/person will cause a depressive episode- avoid that at all costs. If you go down keep fighting, find some inspiration to build you back up. Finding hobbies you enjoy and music will help you out of a depression . For me, it’s listening to music, watching tv/movies, reading, writing and yoga 🧘‍♀️ .

Much love 💕 love you all💚🧡💛💙💜 !

#Bipolar1Disorder #PTSD #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #lithium #Xanax #Love

I have been off of Xanax for 3 weeks and off booze for 1. Xanax withdrawal sucks!