Heartache

So, a few weeks ago on a Saturday, I opened an email from the Department of Corrections State of Indiana for the past 20 years like I always do however to my surprise this email was different and was about to turn my world upside-down once again!

Twenty years ago, this October 21, 2004, my brother Jesse was murdered by his estranged wife (the monster). The monster shot him to death in his new apartment 💔 😢. The state of Indiana Prosecutor's office made a plea deal with my family knowledge. The plea was for 50 years in prison, only to serve 45 years. The monster had to serve half of 45 years and be on parole for five years. In Indiana, murders only have to serve half of the sentence time despite murdering productive citizens.

The email I received was informing that the monster's release date has drastically changed and is now being released November 5, 2024. This immediately caused me to spiral emotionally and mentally I could barely breathe. I immediately informed our Mom about the drastic change to the monster's release date. I immediately searched for the contact information for the state of Indiana Prosecutor's office and called to schedule a phone conference with a prosecutor.

I had my phone conference with a new prosecutor. Unfortunately, it wasn't the one who dealt with my brother's murder case. Apparently, everyone who worked during that time has retired, so I will never have my questions answered. The prosecutor was kind enough to speak with me and our Dad for over an hour. He tried to answer some legal questions we had. However, we are left with more questions than answers.

After that phone conversation, I received another letter from the Department of Corrections stating that the monster is requesting to be placed in a transition program instead of serving the rest of the sentence in prison. Unlike 20 years ago, the Department of Corrections in Indiana has provided my family the opportunity to send in statement letters to the court and the prosecutor's office in hopes of keeping the monster in prison longer.

Now, we are waiting to hear the decision from the courts in Indiana.

I do believe in "rehabilitation" for those in jail and prison. What I don't believe in is "good behavior." Reducing a monster sentence who murdered people should never happen! Except, in those circumstances of self-defense! (These are my personal opinions. Not open for a debate) Yes, I believe in this even if the monster was my family member. There are other ways of dealing with things in life besides murder.

My views on capital punishment changed dramatically after my brother was murdered. Before that day, I believed in.the death penalty and vengeance. However, after I received that phone call, I no longer believe in judicial death penalty for all. I actually spoke the words of forgiveness towards the monster who murdered my brother.

However, unlike what society says, "Time doesn't help with pain, sorrow, heartache 💔, and so on!" I have night terrors every night, I struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically, and the images of my brother's last day plays in my mind like a movie 24/7/365!

I'm struggling and don't know how to deal right now! Help me please 🙏🏽 😢 😭 💔
#Depression #anger #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Pain #Heartache #suffering

I loved him with all of me.

Nearly 2 years.

I am not ok. I swing from sobbing to dissociating. Losing hours at a time. My eyes are swollen, my cheeks raw.

An out of the blue message that they weren't happy and then nothing. Silence.

I sent a message, asking to talk about it. More silence.

I feel like I'm breaking apart inside.

All the BPD bits are screaming and sobbing and begging 'please, please, please don't leave us. Please stay.'

So I breathe. I ordered dinner, because I know I need to feed the mind if I want it to work and whoo boy I definitely need it to work. I drink water, because I know a migraine will come if I don't. I sleep early now, because I know I need rest. Some of it's done on auto pilot. Some of it's intentional being gentle with the self.

All the therapy and work I've done to control my BPD, all of it is working. Sometimes in the background, sometimes through the sobbing.

I'm not self-destructing. I want to, but I'm not.

I'm not planning my death. Those parts of me really want to, but I'm not.

I'm trying to focus on little things. Wash the dish. Feed the cat. Breathe. Drink the water. Take the medication that keeps me alive.

I'm trying so hard to be gentle with myself, so the BPD bits of me can't get hold of the steering wheel.

It hurts. It hurts so much. A dull ache that radiates down my arms, into my hands. I forget to breathe.

I just. I wanted to reach out into the void, and tell someone that my heart is broken. I feel so, so alone right now.

My person is gone.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Heartache

Gave it my all, but took a mighty fall,
Love's grip so tight, it claimed my soul's thrall.
Now my mind seeks solace for the void within,
Aching heart, searching for ways to begin.

Emptiness and darkness, pain's ceaseless rain,
A struggle to comprehend, accommodate, restrain.
Who knew a friendship could be so toxic and bleak,
Leaving my body anoxic, longing to seek

Survival, I found, by grace of the divine,
Hustling for a life where my spirit can finally shine.
No more hurt, no more tears to spill,
I won't neglect those who uplift and instill

Belief in me, true friends who stay,
Unyielding in love, even when skies turn gray.
Those who stand strong through life's hardest test,
They are the ones who deserve my best.

Pushing away those who truly care,
Leaves one gasping for air, lost and unaware.
I've been through it, and now it's your turn,
May you learn from mistakes and the bridges you burn.

But through it all, I'll still be there,
With abundant love and genuine care to share.
I know the pain of abandonment's sting,
But fear not, my support is no fleeting fling.

My heart is pure, my intentions sincere,
No prey to lure, no hidden agenda to adhere.
For humanity's sake, my mission's aim,
Fiery ambition runs deep in my veins.

Forgiveness and love, I choose to embrace,
No room for hatred, no enemy to chase.
So here's to the next chapter, the story's sequel,
Counting blessings, ensuring your path sees the sun's golden sheen.

No foes shall I keep, for all are equal,
Cheers to a life where compassion is fecal.
With open arms, I welcome what's in store,
A new journey awaits, and my heart's ready to explore.

#Friendship #Love #BestFriends #Toxic #Heartache #friendsfight #Itsokay #humanity #Acceptance #Hope #Positivity #Forgiveness #Healing

Grief is like a yo-yo game. Some days it rips you apart and brings you to your knees in tears. Other days it makes you so mad that you want to get revenge on the person that did you so wrong. Then there are moments when you feel nothing at all. Numbness. Silence. You wonder if this is normal or is this only something you experience. You can have the biggest support system in the world, the most loving family and friends, yet nothing seems to work.

My grief comes from my relationship with my boyfriend. This is the first relationship I have ever been in and we have been together for almost a year. Over the past two months I have noticed things in him that did not sit well with me. One day he ignored me on our walk home because I wanted to bring meat into his apparentment (he is a Jain and is against eating meat, the harming of animals, and having meat in his space). He ignored me the whole walk home which made me feel like a child who was being repremended by their parent. Then the other night I found out that he had one of his friends over ( who happens to be a girl) and he hid this from me and then lied about it (after I confronted him). The grief comes from what I thought our future would look like. We talked about moving in together and what our lives would be like travelling and loving life. Now that is not the case and I mourn what I expected to happen. The thing is I questioned my relationship with him sometimes even during the relationship, I did see some red flags but I never thought anything of it. The sex wasn’t that great and I honestly did not look forward to it (I actually didn’t enjoy it during the action). What I did enjoy was the company, the companionship, the attention, the love that I know he gave me and had for me. I miss having someone I can tell anything too, cuddle with, laugh with, and have fun with. I miss the friendship the most and am afraid that will be lost if we break up. But I also know I don’t like the person I have become in certain triggering situations. Anyone else been in situations where they are having a hard time deciding. #Grief #relationship #Love #Heartache #partnership

You told me
You loved me
But your words
Got me trapped in your misery

You told me
You wouldn't hurt me
But for 20 years
Your actions wounded me

You said you wouldn't tell me
What to do
But your words
Deceived me

You told me
You know what's best for me
But your words
Did the damage

You told me
I'm your best friend
But your words
Showed me who you are

You played the victim
When you thought
You were good
You used your kids against me
When you said you never would #WritingThroughIt #Writing #Depression #Heartache #Pain

What should I do
If all I am is a failure?
What should I do
If all you do is leave?

What should I do
With every breath
I take
It hurts
What do I do
If you hide how you feel?
What should I do
If you broke me in two #Depression #heartbreak #Heartache