impulsive

I've had an FP for the last 10 years that use to be a close co-worker of mine. He's married and has 2 kids and had been dealing with martial issues. I myself have a husband myself and 3 kids and have been going through issues at home myself. I can admit that my BPD has played a major part in the splitting that has occurred in my personal relationship and I would just be so angry and frustrated by the actions of my husband sometimes and just felt eventually he woul get feed up and leave me. I would feel so much hate towards him it would be uncontrollable and I could feel myself pushing him away. Now listen, my husband is the most loving and tender hearted human being I've ever met in my life. Cooks, cleans, good provider and absolutely great father and does what ever possible to make me happy. I would share these feelings with my FP and he would give me great advice on how to communicate things to my husband better. I started to feel myself growing closer to my FP and eventually developing strong feelings for him. The closer I got to him , the further away I pulled away from my husband. I actually stop sleeping with my husband and started to distancing myself from him. Somehow, I started seeing him as my enemy and felt as though he was cheating on me or he didn't find me attractive anymore. I started to feel very lonely and my FP started to encourage me to leave my husband because he wasn't making me happy. I told him that I was no longer sleeping with him and my FP offered to help me with my sexual needs. I figured, why not? I still was sleeping with my husband also but actually enjoyed my FP sex more for some unexplainable reason. I don't even find my FP that attractive and would never be in a real relationship with him.
So we became friends with benefits and hooked up over a period of 6 years. Just sex with no comment. So long story short...
My husband founded out about us and I feel so horrible and ashamed of what I've done to him. I've completely destroyed him and my family. The way he looked at me in so much pain and disbelief about what I had been doing behind his back sent me into panic and the most humiliating guilt I've ever felt in my life. All I could do is blame him for not paying enough attention to me and not being more intimate. I told him I felt alone at the house with him and the kids. My FP basically ghosted me because my husband private investigator gather so much information on him, he basically told me he wanted nothing to do with the situation. We haven't spoken in 5 months and I starting to think that he was just using me. My husband has forgiven me and apologized for his part in the affair but I know that he was only reacting to my lies and manipulative behavior. He said he was only trying to do what I wanted him to do and it never felt like he was ever doing anything right. Now I'm realizing how much this man truly loves me and I fear that I'm going to loose him and my kids. How did I get here? What have I done?

I was sitting at work being fairly productive considering the amount of mental energy I had, along with my printer being a stupid piece of crap...all the sudden I get hijacked and start thinking about how I know a guy who lives like 10 minutes away and I could go over before going to my next job. I sexualize any empty space! Why?! #sexandloveaddict #slaa #impulsive #Addiction

I can’t stop spending money. I always pay the bills I have but everything that’s left after paying those just gets spent on anything and everything! I’m sick of not being able to save money:(

Over the past week or so I’ve been struggling with anger and overall irritability. It’s made me impulsive, it’s made me depressed and even more anxious. I’ve definitely been more explosive and I feel so bad. My family notices a lot and it definitely affects them. I just feel like I’ve been feeling a lot more harsh emotions. It’s exhausting and so I’m avoiding a lot of stuff I should be doing. Whether it be on my computer for 6hrs or drinking a lot of alcohol impulsively, all I want is to somehow manage it all. Fall/Winter isn’t particularly good seasons for my mental health and I’m starting to struggle more. I’m back in therapy, but my therapist is new and the first few sessions are always getting to know you. Does any one have any tips to deal with overwhelming emotions?
#impulsive #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder

I recently have gone back to therapy and I’m trying to figure out what I’ve been going through. Most of the time I feel quite isolated because I don’t know anyone who struggles with similar mental health symptoms to mine and describing it doesn’t help others understand. Most of this year I’ve been stable, but with more chronic anxiety and some depressive episodes. The past few years my mental health has manifested into cycles instead of constant depression. I’ve dealt with episodes where i have so much energy surging through my body, but the darkest of thoughts racing in my head. I’m impulsive, I’m reckless and during those periods it only intensifies. After those episodes I find myself struggling more for weeks. That usually happens 2-3 times a year and then i go through stable periods but still deal with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Going to therapy again, I’m really trying to learn how to decipher what it is I’m going through. I could go into more depth, but I’m just curious to see if anyone else understands this too. I’m so tired of feeling so isolated #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #isolated #BipolarDisorder #impulsive #Therapy

Cannot stop spending and being reckless.
Getting lip fillers in a few days.
Wanna get cheeks done.
Getting more tattoos.
Drinking pretty much every day.
Recently used again and now craving again.
I just can't stop and I wanna cry. I'm not fucking happy!

So I sometimes say the wrong thing to people. I normally beat myself up and obsess over it. Yesterday I didn't, though, so I'm getting better. In our meeting yesterday for peer support volunteers, I noticed that the woman sitting next to me had things floating in her water bottle, and I said so, in front of other people. At break she asked to talk to me out in the hall and told me that made her uncomfortable. I just apologized and asked what she wanted me to do. She just said be careful about making comments like that and that she wasn't mad.

I'm proud of myself that I didn't get defensive or use my autism and ADD as an excuse. I was able to let it go and not apologizing repeatedly just to try to make myself feel better. I think I will say inappropriate things in the future, because though I try, I sometimes have no filter. Getting an autism diagnosis helps me feel less guilty when it does happen. #Autism #ADHD