I'm 16 year old F here and my life is pretty much a mess right now. I'm getting some flashbacks from my childhood and idk they are really disturbing to me.
▪︎When I was 2-3 years old my mom beating me really hard with a hanger because I had looked at the fruits my brothers (my badi mummy's sons) were eating. My family were really poor at that time and we were living at my badi mummy house. My badi mummy is a really cruel person and idk why but she hates me and my mom. So when I was looking at those fruits because I just wanted to taste them (I wasn't allowed to eat them) my badi mummy noticed and started telling my mom that "me bahiya ke khane pe nazer laga rahi hu" and my mom started beating me so much after that...
▪︎I was like 3-4 years old and Idk what I did but I was running from my mom in fear and then I locked myself up in the bathroom. I was so scared that I started vomiting inside...the memory is quite unclear but it's really scary to watch myself in so much fear...
▪︎I was like 4 at that time and I was just drinking my milk at my brother's bed. I by mistakenly spilled the milk on the bed when my mom saw that she was outrageous about it (apparently she thought that once again badi mummy is going spto say something about me) so she started yelling at me. I was so afraid that I started running around the house to save myself...my brothers were laughing at this...idk what happened next but the fear in my eyes was so terrifying.
There were few other memories like that too like when mom locked me in a dark room, or mom literally throwing me on sofa etc it was all scary to remember...and trust me I was always a goody two shoes...I never did anything mischievous things but still mom use to beat me...
I don't remember much about my childhood but all of these seems like messed up my brain because I remember beating myself when i was merely 7 years old (i still do it). Now whenever anyone yells at me I started crying and thinking about killing myself...idk why i get so afraid...many times I end up trying to kill myself (5-6 times).
Now I'm confused about what happened to me was really abuse or serious? Or I'm just over thinking?? I mean it is pretty normal for parents to hit kids but idk why sometimes I feel like what happened to me was wrong...please help me
■ Badi mummy means my dad's older brother's wife
■ Mom had stop beating me when I like 8-9 but the memories are now coming back
■ Recently I've been sexually abused too