restlessness

This morning the Fibro pain has again reared its ugly head- I hate when it starts my day,instead of ending my day( tho that's not nice to be hurting at bedtime,either!). Guess it's the below freezing temperature that's got it going. Don't you( those with fibro) just hate it when the fibro takes over even Before the day starts? It over comes the arthritis,the swollen feet & lower legs,the fitful sleep from the nite,and tired mind from having to deal with it & everything else on a daily basis. Even the pretty sunrise this morning gets hit. Big Sigh. Oh well,such is life when you are used to hurting All Over from an Invisible Disease. #Fibromyalgia ,#RA ,#oa ,#PTSD ,#GAD ,#Bipolar 2,#GERD ,#Insomnia ,#high Blood Pressure,#Allergies to most Everything,#sinusitis chronic,#Teeth problems( likely from meds been on for so long,acc.to dentist),#"covering" how I really am feeling,#bad dreams that carry over into the day,#restlessness ,#So many Meds,#dry Eye Syndrome,#Dermatitis -chronic,#Headaches ,Short term memory loss left over from ECT treatments,#Fibro Brain Fog,#sad ,#Overeating when illnesses take over too much,##Poor Self-Image,#Stagnant motivation,#chronic Talking to Myself-even Out Loud,#Talking & writing too much,#worry ,#Thinking of others instead of me,#people Pleaser,#Procrastination ,#Poor money management,#Ignoring important signs & Symptoms.

Noone is going to make me food or run me a bath. I have to wait sometimes weeks for someone to carry my laundry down so I can do it then gaia knows when it'll come back up. So I often have to wear dirty clothes. Which my mother encourages because we apparently can't afford to wear our clothes once. Yet she can afford all kinds of junk food and other miscellaneous stuff. She recently brought home kittens and I have to feed them and clean up after them. Which I never agreed to. My bedroom is destroyed, garbage everywhere, and noone will help me clean it up. I can't do chores anymore and my family had gotten comfortable with me doing almost all of them since I was a kid. Never had a choice, parents worked all day and my brother's were fucking abled bodied princes who got to sit around playing games all day. When they were in the 20s I stopped cleaning up after them and hell ensued. I was shamed and guilted and abused so bad for refusing to do it. So I continued to do it when I can. Often it was a condition of me moving back home everytime welfare kicked me off or a roommate or landlord fucked me over. I could barely take care of myself, yet I'm expected to clean up after grown abled bodied men? Sexist abliest bullshit. I can't get homecare. I've been waiting on specialists for over 15 years. Mum can't afford the CBD oil anymore. We've got cannabis in the house but who knows how long we can keep getting it and it comes with a whole other set of problems. I'm exhausted and suicidal tho I'm too scared I'll fuck it up to attempt it. But somedays I come close. I'm so scared of becoming a vegetable. The worst part of this is that for a few months this year I had gotten healthcare and physically I was doing better but the medicine was causing me severe panic attacks every night, couldn't sleep in my bed for months. My mum's abusive boyfriend added a board at an angle to my bed just to get me off the couch cuz they were afraid my fat would break it. Then we couldn't afford the dosage of CBD anymore. So with both meds down, I'm slowly declining again. I hate that I'd had that good period of time because it gave me fucking hope and then it was gone as fast as it had come. Cruel as fuck. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of nobody believing me. I'm tired of the world telling me I don't deserve healthcare and basic human rights. I'm trans, fat, disabled and queer. The world hates me. I'm tired of being alone because the only people who will be friends with me are too tired to interact even online. I'm exhausted. How do YOU do it? #Anxiety #Depression #Disability #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ChronicMigraines #chronic dizziness #CPTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Autism #ADHD #restlessness #exhausted #NeedSupport #needhealthcare #CarpalTunnelSyndrome #Osteoarthritis #trans #queer #Fatphobia

I’m so emotionally and mentally drained and I haven’t slept at all today. I feel like my peace of mind has been stolen from me to the point that sleep is so out of reach. I’m in misery, I feel very much alone in my distress, and it feels like everyone is so far away. #Depression #restlessness #nosleep #FeelingAlone

The paths I tend to be drawn towards are vibrant and intellectual. At the moment I feel smothered and misunderstood. I yearn for an outer body experience or disconnect from reality. The silence between us don’t quiet the voices in my head but only exacerbate them. All I can do is continue to cope. #restlessness #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Why can't I sleep? I have to leave for work in 3 hours. My anxiety is overwhelming. #Anxiety #Insomnia #depressed #Godhelpme #angels #Prayersneeded #prayersplease #restlessness

Feeling so hopeless tonight. I recently quit my job and moved to a different state to be with my husband. This whole change and not working currently is driving my anxiety to the edge. When I made the decision I thought I ll enjoy the break.But now my mind simply keeps whispering in my ear every second of the day that “you made a mistake” . I just want it to stop . I wish it was easy for me to be happy just like other individuals. I know everyone is not entirely happy and everyone has their own shit to deal
With. However, I am sure no one worries every second of the day like I do. I am not easy going. I have anxiety- sometimes just wish it were not like this or I could go back in time to fix it

I’ve been making positive changes in my life, new job and less negative people and working towards goals, why do I still come home at night and feel so sad. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be alive and feel so much anxiety and confusion with my life and my mind. I just want to feel like myself again, driven, happy and confident with my life... #Anxiety #Depression #restlessness

I had a weird day where everything felt fine then after laying down my entire body felt like it was very overwhelmed and mentally just felt scared? It wasn’t like a depressed feeling but it did not feel good at all ...trying to figure out what’s going on with me #Anxiety #Depression #restlessness

I've been struggling for years battling an entire group of people known as a gang stalk. This year I was found in the ditch for the second time in a year and I managed to plant myself in a new career opportunity with a new home despite having all taken from me in the past. However, the enraged group took to new lows and used gaslighting to diminish my own capacity of self worth and then engaged in cruel and unusual tactics behind my back taking all from me again which has been approved and supervised by the local police. The police have tortured me in my home again knowing no consequence exists and have taken all opportunities for me to provide an income for myself because they fornicated and defecated in my private home while recording my conversations and stealing my identity. They told me your life is so meaningless and useless after people who finished their schooling did this to you that we don't give a fuck if people use your useless name to commit cyber crime and trash your reputation. You are done in Canada and should consider killing yourself as payment for even being allowed to live in a country that knows how to do things to people who think things. I called the #Suicide prevention line and was met with a in a few days things can be dealt with or we can send a mobile crisis team which is known to alienate people over to discredit your claim and lock you up in an institution. After the call my life was threatened and my apartment invaded and I was sexually violated twice by people who said I should of known better than to work or co work with people so successful on and off the internet and that this is what happens to done in people who think they can make something of themselves. Alas I sit no money for rent, no job, no friends, no family and in Canada you can't travel anywhere except by $400 one way 45 minute flight to your destination which is to see my parents and a police service saying my profile is that of somebody who gets fucked over for people stressed out over how much they spent on their families at Christmas time. I have no chance of having a wife or kids as the police have me on the list subjected to cruel and unusual punishment until we do the country a favor and commit #Suicide so the embarrassment the country feels for having someone monitored 24/7 through electronic surveillance is out of mind and people go on feeling like they contributed to homeland security for destroying the security risk of the person they invaded and intruded on. So many things I'd like to be doing and bettering myself with but stuck in #EmotionalAbuse cycles that lead to #Depression #Anxiety #restlessness #spatialdiscomfort . I thank all those who have written stories I can attach to for a sense of human decency as I have also been told I'm on a list I need to understand health care is a privilege not a right and that if I choose to see a professional I will be dealt with accordingly. So thank you so much for the help and happy new year.