Sabotage

When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

#Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

Hi,
Ok so I’ve never done this before, I suffer with #Anxiety but I can function when it comes to my responsibilities even though I struggle, but there is this side of me I’m like Jekyll and Hyde. I want to say so much and can’t get it out I also have #PTSD I’m on tablet for my anxiety and others for #Depression but even those don’t help me but I’m scared to go doctors I’ve been so many times and nothing is working trust me I try counselling, meds even hypnosis the only thing that came out of that was stopped smoking but when someone loves me I look for ways to #Sabotage and it’s too late I have no control before I realise I’ve already said everything I can to hurt that person and I lose them, it’s like if I am made to feel not worthy then I just switch and I hate that I’ve tried fight it but I swear I feel like I become a different person and even though it gets better there is always that little voice that eventually wins. I am so damaged I don’t think there is any help out there for me and I will end up alone thank you to anyone that reads this.

Hi,
Ok so I’ve never done this before, I suffer with #Anxiety but I can function when it comes to my responsibilities even though I struggle, but there is this side of me I’m like Jekyll and Hyde. I want to say so much and can’t get it out I also have #PTSD I’m on tablet for my anxiety and others for #Depression but even those don’t help me but I’m scared to go doctors I’ve been so many times and nothing is working trust me I try counselling, meds even hypnosis the only thing that came out of that was stopped smoking but when someone loves me I look for ways to #Sabotage and it’s too late I have no control before I realise I’ve already said everything I can to hurt that person and I lose them, it’s like if I am made to feel not worthy then I just switch and I hate that I’ve tried fight it but I swear I feel like I become a different person and even though it gets better there is always that little voice that eventually wins. I am so damaged I don’t think there is any help out there for me and I will end up alone thank you to anyone that reads this.

Having a big Heart sucks but I cant change it ,so I'm almost always in pain. I trust way to easily and it ALWAYS turns out that I get used or betrayed in some way. I always try acting like it dont bother me but inside I'm https://dying.so I find myself isolating myself in my room and sleep cause I'm truly not wanted anywhere but at my sons , and he unfortunately lives 7 hours away. thought I found a loyal friend, but like always I was being played for a fool.
#Sabotage
#PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson #Loneliness #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #heart

I just came to the conclusion, after jumping the gun on messaging the guy i’ve been casually seeing about if he likes me way too soon, that i feel relieved and less anxious immediately after I self-sabotage. Why does destructive behaviour have a soothing effect on me, even if temporarily?! #Anxiety #self-sabotage #relief #Sabotage #Depression

...and wondering, "Why isn't anyone rescuing me?"
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Sabotage