dreams

Last week I didn't have enough money to buy my vraylar for my bipolar. Of course I am doing amazing and figured maybe I could get away without taking it. Red flag #1 ! I recently got divorced from a narcissist of 26 years and I got on Medicare that disability offered me. My meds ended being 663.00!! I wasn't going to pay for that amount! So I went off and boy all those dreams and goals I have went out the window. I started to not shower, red flag #2 , and not eat, red flag #3 and I started to act impulsive and act out. I'm in recovery so if my mental health is not in check then my recovery is gone too. I was scared and afraid. So I decided to trust my God of my understanding. I did end up paying for my meds and they are working on trying to lower the price.
Today, I am back to myself again. I am stable and back to those amazing dreams and goals that I once had.
I can't say that something like this won't happen again to me. When I feel good I don't want to take my meds. I hope this scare will make me realize that not taking your meds on a daily basis will make me sick and I love my life today. I matter. I might have mental health along with my addiction, however I am strong, independent working woman today and thats something only I can't take away!

Have you ever needed a #Laugh at something that you know you cannot #change ? This made me laugh so much and at the same time, I saw how truthful it was to think if someone were to enter into my #dreams they would not be able to #DealWithIt at all. Each #Battle is different from one another. What #Hurts me a lot may be a like eating cotton candy to another.

Be #Kind today. #Share some #Laughs and #Joy amidst the #Sadness and the #Emotions that tear at you. Do not let the #Fear or #Anxiety control you. See it like a passing cloud. I see you there, but I am not going to engage with it even if I feel it!

#BipolarDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#MentalHealth
#Agoraphobia
#PanicDisorder

In a lurid attempt to find myself again, I have decided to write. I claim to have started over and so I have. What exactly does that mean for me as a person/single woman/individual?

I honestly thought it meant picking up the pieces of who I was before my divorce and continuing on that career path. However, things have changed in 14 years. Things have changed dramatically.

After conferring with former colleagues I have found the scene of academia as hostile as ever. It is not only hostile for those of us that struggle with mental health but for minorities in STEM in general.

In an attempt to recoup my financial losses, I have decided to enter the field of data science. It is a much more lucrative career choice and continuously challenges my mind. However, the market is saturated, and I am struggling to find a profitable niche. I would like to help people somehow using clinical data. However, I find my spirit dwindling.

My once young fire and zeal for humanity destroyed by the events plaguing the daily news that I refuse to hear or read anymore. I once wanted to save the world. Now I only seek to save my sanity, my happiness, and my family from financial ruin and poverty. This requires me to close my heart and only think of numbers, statistics and realistic approaches to re-entering the workforce.

I feel humanity no longer cares for itself and division, disease and death are everywhere. This is not the America I was once proud to call home. It sickens me that the evolutionary phrase “survival of the fittest” now applies in almost every part of day-to-day life. It sickens me that I am one that is not fit to survive because my spirit dies slowly inside. I pray that I will be strong enough to survive the waves of oppression long enough to do my best as a decent human being. In the meantime, I wake, walk and talk like everyone else. However, inside I feel like the walking dead. My dreams, my spirit, my plans will probably not come to fruition in this life. So, I comfort myself by saying, “Maybe in the next life.” All the while I am hoping rebirth will somehow come in this life.

Image credit: Image credit: ESA/Hubble & NASA, Acknowledgement: Matej Novak

#sad #dreams #Depression #Anxiety #philosophical_views

Although I don’t know my story,
It doesn’t hold me back from trying to achieve glory,

I may not know who I am nor where I am from,
That won’t hold me back from what I am to become,

Dream & Aspire,
Because right now, circumstances are dire,
Chest is on fire

The vision is lit,
Even if you don’t feel yourself to be fit,
Go ahead with that risky hit,

Life comes only once,
So, don’t spend it all in the corner like a dunce

Go get it girl
Though you may not know how to dance,
Still, give it a try and twirl

On your mark, get ready, set and go
Take a chance and advance #Hope #Inspiration #Motivation #passion #dreams #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #Anxiety #Depression #insecurity #SelfDoubt #ImposterSyndrome #Confidence #Believe