A better day
Today was a better day than I have had in a bit.
There is something about staying in bed because you don’t want to get out of it. And you fall asleep and have dreams where you are the champion and wake up to nothingness. Then you tell Alexa play something motivational. And she plays a teen icon over sexed and nothing you can relate with. So you drift back into sleep and realize it’s 11:00 am, and you have slept into the early afternoon. And sadness grips you like a tennis racket and nothing movitational will move you.
And you know what? Eventually you have to get. out. of. bed.
So that was me today. I barely woke up and smelled the coffee but I had to suck it down and slowly my eyes straightened and my fingers began moving and my brain cells began firing and I started the googling.
Apartment search. How to get a divorce. Look at apartments. Look at bank account. Read an article. Take a deep breath, marriage counselors. Marriage counselors who deal with trauma and bipolar disorder. Marriage counselors. How to fix a broken relationship. Psychology Today. Look at email from social worker. Find list of psychiatrists. Begin calling. This one doesn’t accept insurance. This one isn’t taking your insurance. This one doesn’t have openings. This one has a waitlist. This one, someone answers. This one, sounds nice enough. You ask all the questions. She sounds great. She does individual practice.
She does marriage counseling. She does divorce councilung but only after 6 months of trying to fix it. Wow. Perfect.
I take a shower. I talk to my wife. I argue with my wife. She cries. I say we need a moderator. I remember something from Peer Specialist training. Validation. Gratitude. I try both. They both work. She cries. I look her in the eyes. I want to make this work. She begins to go on more. I cut her off and say that this was a session. That’s it. It was a session. Now we go on with our day. She sits shocked more words on her tongue. I begin to tell her what I am grateful for about her. I ask her to do the same. We rifle off gratitude and realize there is love under all the trauma. We continue gratitude and laugh on the way to the grocery store, we haven’t shopped in weeks. We pick out healthy meals. She buys me a book about how our babies first word will be dada. I buy her flowers.
We laugh at the amount of money it costs for groceries at this store. And how going hungry to any store is a bad idea. We go home.
We make dinner. I have a board meeting with the Oddball Foundation, tell them everything that’s happened, and plan for the future. They understand. I end the meeting. Have dinner with my wife. My dad calls, I haven’t talked to him since mine and his hospitalizations.
We have dinner. I Instagram my dog. I take out the trash. I read for 15 minutes. My wife and I sit down to watch TV. I write this note.
From not wanting to get out of bed to the best day I have had in a long time.