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A better day

Today was a better day than I have had in a bit.

There is something about staying in bed because you don’t want to get out of it. And you fall asleep and have dreams where you are the champion and wake up to nothingness. Then you tell Alexa play something motivational. And she plays a teen icon over sexed and nothing you can relate with. So you drift back into sleep and realize it’s 11:00 am, and you have slept into the early afternoon. And sadness grips you like a tennis racket and nothing movitational will move you.

And you know what? Eventually you have to get. out. of. bed.

So that was me today. I barely woke up and smelled the coffee but I had to suck it down and slowly my eyes straightened and my fingers began moving and my brain cells began firing and I started the googling.

Apartment search. How to get a divorce. Look at apartments. Look at bank account. Read an article. Take a deep breath, marriage counselors. Marriage counselors who deal with trauma and bipolar disorder. Marriage counselors. How to fix a broken relationship. Psychology Today. Look at email from social worker. Find list of psychiatrists. Begin calling. This one doesn’t accept insurance. This one isn’t taking your insurance. This one doesn’t have openings. This one has a waitlist. This one, someone answers. This one, sounds nice enough. You ask all the questions. She sounds great. She does individual practice.
She does marriage counseling. She does divorce councilung but only after 6 months of trying to fix it. Wow. Perfect.

I take a shower. I talk to my wife. I argue with my wife. She cries. I say we need a moderator. I remember something from Peer Specialist training. Validation. Gratitude. I try both. They both work. She cries. I look her in the eyes. I want to make this work. She begins to go on more. I cut her off and say that this was a session. That’s it. It was a session. Now we go on with our day. She sits shocked more words on her tongue. I begin to tell her what I am grateful for about her. I ask her to do the same. We rifle off gratitude and realize there is love under all the trauma. We continue gratitude and laugh on the way to the grocery store, we haven’t shopped in weeks. We pick out healthy meals. She buys me a book about how our babies first word will be dada. I buy her flowers.

We laugh at the amount of money it costs for groceries at this store. And how going hungry to any store is a bad idea. We go home.
We make dinner. I have a board meeting with the Oddball Foundation, tell them everything that’s happened, and plan for the future. They understand. I end the meeting. Have dinner with my wife. My dad calls, I haven’t talked to him since mine and his hospitalizations.

We have dinner. I Instagram my dog. I take out the trash. I read for 15 minutes. My wife and I sit down to watch TV. I write this note.

From not wanting to get out of bed to the best day I have had in a long time.

#igotthis #comeback #Gratitude #Love

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This is me #movingon #iloveme #loveyourself #igotthis

This is me. I am 16, a #libra , I live in California. I am part of the #LGBTQAI community (#queer #demigirl ), I have #Depression #Anxiety , and #BipolarDisorder I went through #Abuse for 5 years (sexual, physical, mental & emotional) I am now making it so that I can have my life back. I used to say that the abuse was my story...no. It is a crumby little chapter of my story. My life is #mystory and I'm going to scream my story! Because I love me...#Scars and all


Can you put a part of your story that you're not proud of/happy about? Saying it out loud (or typing it) does in fact help...I #Promise

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My support system

Today I had once again another panic attack. I'm getting a little better at recognizing and taking the steps I need to distract and help recover. This is a photo of my support. My dog, Emma, is always by my side knowing what I need. Today could have been worse. Most of the time the panic attacks sent me to the hospital because it makes me physically sick just as it did today but today I didn't feel the need to continuously vomit. I made it through! I can say I got this. I'm so thankful for my support via furry pal and my human form. I didn't know where to post this but I felt this was the right place.

#Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #PanicAttacks

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Chronic Illnesses will not be the death of me!

I have many health issues & have found the last 5 days so Intense, I'm now exhausted!

I am happy to be feeling more like my usual self..😁I know each day may bring new challenges but am constantly learning to pace myself, days & life generally. 👍
It's been over 11 years of daily struggles & am feeling that I need to start to take back a lil control. 😎
I am 45 years old, married have 4 amazing kids, 2 adorable grandsons, pets & my home...I guess I'm tired of being governed by my health so I decided last December to try bit by bit day by day to work on finding 'me' again! 🥰
It's not easy & find I regularly hiccup into all kinds of pain levels, flare ups, sleep disorders, ultra low moods, hormonal issues, thyroid issues, mobility problems, weight issues & well, ya get where I'm going aye!!🙄😏🤨

So much to address but if I take small steps consistently, I'm hoping to improve the quality of my life, body & mind. ✴️💯🤏🙏

#igotthis #ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #SleepApnea #hypothroidism #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #Depression #Tinnitus #PiriformisSyndrome #FowlersSyndrome #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #Tendinitis #DegenerativeDiscDisease #sciatica #RestlessLegsSyndrome #BrutalBreavement


Hard Days

99% of the time I'm okay. Today, not so much. On top of my mental health issues, I also have chronic migraines. I got hit with one today about an hour after I woke up. And I'm exhausted and feeling like utter crap... which bleeds into my depression. And my narcissistic (soon to be ex) husband is not helping at all. Telling me I'm being grumpy and bitchy, so I go to my bedroom to be grumpy by myself. And then he bitches about me. not spending time with him... when I've spent the last 4 hours in the living room while he's been on his computer. Gods, I can't wait until I'm free of him and his bullshit.
Anyways, today sucks. But I know tomorrow will be better. It has to be. #warrior #narcissistichusband #Migraine #igotthis #TomorrowWillBeBetter

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Whispers #mindfuckingyourself #worthy #igotthis

i feel like lately i have the skill and knowldge to go i. life where i want to go. i am great at what i do and im always hearing great things from others who see me play! but stil there is that soft voice in the back of my head thats whispers why should i? am i trully worthy of happiness? can i keep doing what i do so great or will i fuck it up? should i just quit while im ahead?

pff i donnow i just wanted to share this


Another day

I’m here. I don’t know how. Yesterday was dreadful. But I made it without going to the hospital again. Woot woot yay me. Reward...pizza #Bipolar #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #igotthis


# #52SmallThings #CheerMeOn

I got up and went to Physical
Therapy by myself this morning. Woke up stiff, crappy weather but I pushed myself to go. Plus I got more home exercises. I can do this! #rawarrior #igotthis