masking

I feel like I’ve never known how to properly “manage” myself. My mind has been a blur lately and I’ve just been going through the motions. I do that sometimes. I have #Bipolar2 and just recently am realizing something about myself that I never knew… I maybe on the #AutismSpectrumDisorder and I’m unsure how to process that? I’ve had a lot of change the last year and fell very unregulated. I’m trying to stop myself from going down into a hole but I’m not sure I’m going to be able to. I’m sleeping a lot on my days off and having a lot of trouble processing my thoughts and focusing. It’s been really hard for me to function lately. My #Anxiety is very high and I suffer from #CPTSD I recently got out of a physically abusive relationship well 6 months ago. The last 3 months have been a total blur. I was doing ok but then I’ve just been all over the place since. I’m exhausted trying to fight my mind. Trying to just be able to function. I feel like I can’t catch a break. My life isn’t bad I just can’t focus enough to process it. I go through periods like this where I just kinda exist and lose track of life passing me by. I struggle to even accept myself when I’m like this, let alone like myself. I just feel so “abnormal” it sucks. I can’t keep up. I fell apart in 2013 during my last year of college… I failed my senior year. I’m just realizing that the reason I fell apart may not have just been my on set of my bipolar disorder but the dealing with hypomania for the first time may not be the sole reason I “broke down” I’m now seeing it may have also been that I had been #Masking my autism and before the mania I was able to do that but after that I wasn’t able to successfully mask anymore and that’s why I couldn’t finish school and why my life started to fall apart. I’m feeling really lost right now and do not know what to do? I’m feeling really alone too. I can’t manage to keep friendships because it’s just to hard with all of my mental health conditions and now I’m realizing the autism may also be a reason I struggle so much with maintaining friendships as well. I’ve never been loved for who I am and that just really sucks. People make me feel like I was better before I “fell apart” in 2013. I always thought the #Bipolar2 was to blame but now that I’m realizing that the #Autism may have also been a factor I’m starting to think it’s not the bipolar disorder that people can’t accept, it’s the fact that they don’t like the real me. The unmasked me. The masked me was “together” I liked her but I haven’t been able to get back to that place since and I feel like no one has loved me for who I really am. This post 2013 me is who I’ve always been but everyone wants the masked me back. But that was never the real me to begin with. Maybe I can learn to love the real me and not want the old me back because that wasn’t the real me. Maybe if that’s how I finally look at it maybe I can make peace with who I am and not keep wanting to go back to the masked me? Because that was never real and being real is the way to truly live. If you’ve read this far thanks. I feel strange even posting this because I ended up almost journaling instead of writing a post but maybe writing this as a post for actual people to read maybe what I needed opposed to writing my thoughts in a journal no one will ever read. Maybe I finally had an ah ha moment? I need to stop doing what I’ve been internally doing for over a decade wanting to be the old together me because that me was the masked me not the real me and I haven’t gotten back there because she was never real and she isn’t where I’m meant to be. She served a purpose, a lot of me wishes I could have masked long enough to get my degree but that wasn’t meant to be either. I need to love the real me because there’s nothing wrong with her and she has worth and chasing after a masked version of myself is never going to make me happy. And if the people in my life want that girl/young woman back then they only accepted the masked me and that’s on them. Maybe I can finally start the journey on loving the real me which is the real thing that has been truly holding me back the last decade. Yes figuring out how to manage my bipolar disorder better will be helpful but knowing now that old me was a mask and a lie and not who I should want back because I’ll never be able to love who I really am if I’m chasing my masked self. That’s led to years and years of disappointment and is why I’ve never actually moved forward since. I’ve “survived” so to speak but have been stuck in the shadow of my former self thinking that where I needed to go but that’s the opposite direction I should be going. Knowing that now I can finally move forward and stop trying to chase an artificial version of myself. I was never suppose to put that mask back on I’m suppose to accept who I really am. No one has made me feel proud of the true version of myself and that has been heartbreaking but if I can learn to love and accept her maybe others can too. If they can’t that’s ok too. I can learn to better make peace with that too. Again if you’re still reading thanks I’m drowning on and on but just writing this has made a huge difference on where I was at mentally when I started to where I am now. Like I said before maybe my thoughts needed to be written in a way that was directed towards someone reading this instead of just a journal, to be able to get here to this place. Even if no one does read this I appreciate the mighty for giving me this outlet to express myself to people who I feel safe enough expressing it to. 🩷🩷

Problems with the terms high functioning and low functioning to describe autism

When you use those terms you are subconsciously creating a caste type hierarchy/system where the people labeled as high functioning get better treatment and more opportunities than those who are labeled as solely autistic or are labeled low functioning, leading to the Matthew effect.

I've noticed that it has come to the point where almost everyone who is verbal claims they are high functioning because they see the people who have the labels of high functioning and Aspergers getting preferential treatment as mentioned a few sentences earlier.

There is no universal consensus of what should be considered high functioning as of today: as people like Temple Grandin (who was labeled as severe during childhood) have achieved more than some people who were labeled as mild during childhood yet never had any motivation to go to a university or trade school.

A few years ago I saw a video of Edward Snowden saying something along the lines of high functioning should be used to describe people like the "MIT whiz kids" as opposed to everyone that's not intellectually challenged, those who can hold a steady job, and those who can hold a conversation--thus showing that there is such a spectrum when it comes to people showing their strengths and masking their flaws.

#Autism #Aspergers #Ableism #Masking #highfunctioning

Hi! My name is Original Gingernut… unofficially diagnosed with Autism and ADHD (awaiting official confirmation from GP). But officially diagnosed with OCD and Anxiety.

I am here because I often feel very alone and misunderstood or that I am going slightly mad with each day and I am so very tired of masking and trying to be ‘normal’ #Autism #OCD #ADHD #Anxiety #Masking

Struggling with the balance of telling people how I feel and masking so my illness isn’t a constant topic of conversation. How do you balance? #Fibromyalgia #Anxiety #ChronicDepression #Masking

I travelled 18 hours back and forth. With holdall bags larger than me on overflowing trains, sleeping and awaking from startling nightmares whilst aboard. I travelled a lot whilst in Wales. Yet none of it was beneficial.

Picture it. I was 18, confused, trying my best, doing what I was supposed to do.

This was the second coming of my internal struggles.

I have a vivid memory of when I was 11 years old, making myself sick after eating. Staying up after midnight and watching shows like The Villa?! I watched these young, clueless attractive people live out misogynistic nonsense and instead of questioning it I did 200 sit ups wishing I was attractive.

I remember my neighbour who was a few years younger commenting that my body looked weird because I had lumps on my nipples as my breasts were forming and that I stood oddly like my hips were too far forward.

I can remember a family friend making a comment along the lines of, ‘she’s grown into her looks’ when I was 15 years old. I have always had an intrinsic need to be liked and desired as I was under the impression that was my worth.

It wasn’t until I was almost 19 when I had my first near death crisis.

I can vaguely remember friends in my student halls of residence, using pint glasses to put my black vomit from the tiny sink in my room to the shared toilet. There were also a lot of things and actions I don't remember but my flatmates thought it was funny to spell out something along the lines of “Linny and x are lesbains, humping on the kitchen floor.”

I remember being told no one wanted to socialise with me and x cause we always fought (like a married couple).

It could be argued I wasn’t ready to be away from home but it could also be argued that it is what started the slow and painful process to where I am now.

I know what you’re thinking. Where were your parents? They were being spectacular. Working for the then semi functional NHS, saving lives, making a difference whilst also raising three girls. I could make assumptions about them, I could chastise them for decisions but I won’t because I know in my soul they did their best and luckily they’re still around and continue to support me albeit at an arm's length.

I would talk about my sisters more but I feel I have already burdened them with so much. They didn't’ ask to have a Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, queer mess as a sister. What I will say however, is I truly regret the trauma I have probably caused them.

I did therapy. I continue to take medication. I am what is considered “stable”.

The fear though.

It never leaves. It is always there. The only time I’m not aware of it is when I am manic and being vivacious and what some consider ‘silly’.

#Bipolar #BPD #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Old #help #Broken #Recovery #Masking #Relateable