Wondering

I have a #Daydream where I find the right #Job and lose my #unemployment and work 40 hours a week. It sounds like a #nightmare because a 40 hour work week is #scary for me. It takes away so much time from #Selfcare and #Recovery that it brings me to a point of #tears .

I began to do the whole #comparing myself to others and #Wondering why I could not be like another. I truly feel #helpless whenever I become #jobless

It is difficult for me to find a #Job that can work with a #Disability and not feel #stigmitized by my #employer secretly. I feel like I am this cat in the photo, in my own #World where everything around me is just blowing up. It is not that I do not #Care anymore, but it is that there is only so much I can do. I might as well take normal pictures along the way and try to be as #normal in my #Abnormal world possible.

Perhaps a "vocational" center will be #helpfull in finding a #Career rather than just a job... But I do not know how much #Stigma exists. I suppose I am just #afraid and at the same time #Brave for keeping applying and trying.

Wish me #luck !

I've promised myself multiple times in the past that I will talk about my problems before it's too late. Too late here means before it turns out into a new kind of anxiety, a new intrusive thought or whatever.
Aaand here I am with a totally new 'anxiety-pack'. Because when things went wrong, I felt like I usually feel - ok, somehow we will work things out again. Ok, we will find out aomething, and I felt hope. And without noticing it, anxiety came in and started to work in my mind. And days, or even weeks after the problem, OCD generates me intrusive thoughts, and I feel guilty if I don't fight them. But they doesn't really matter, because that's just the way stress comes up.
Because when the problem appears, I have to stay strong, to have hope and to let others have that hope, what is really a good thing - just after that, I should face the problem for myself too. I usually don't, and it turns out like this - unwanted intrusive thoughts and OCD.
I know it's wrong to ask 'What would have happen, if...?' , but now I still have to ask: what would have happened if I didn't try to be a hero, instead I would face the problem that time, and like a 'normal' person I would have cried or shouted, or anything. And I would have accept the anger and disappoint.
Well, I can't be sure what would have happen, but what I guess - I would have a healthy image of the whole situation, and after getting through it, I would try to find the solution. So maybe anger would come up normally, not a way of OCD.
What I'm trying to say is, that sometimes we might have to be mindful and focused when bad things happen. Sometimes we might just have to let them happen and than deal with then. Because if we ignore it, or try to make it seem better than it is, can lead us to see a false image of the problem, and when anxiety comes up, we just stand there asking why. I think that's why. Because wd have to be mindful always, not only the good times. Of course we don't have to enjoy bad things, and don't need to just stand there crying - but we need to have the ability to feel it, to let our feelings about it come up, because the feelings are there - even if we ignore them.
Be brave and live the moments - even the worse moments, because your mind needs to accept them.
And don't be afraid of talking about problems, or express feelings - that's an important part of healing. Even if only in a journal. But maybe after it, the feelings won't come up later in a form of anxiety. #Anxiety #OCD #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #worry #Stress #IntrusiveThoughts #Solution #Wondering

#Wondering if I am worthy of a partner like this in pain missing family functions because of it #

#Wondering why I’ve been told that I’m the nicest person they’ve ever met, by a few people. If what those people said , is true, why am I still so lonely?