Stillhere

So I started the hardest process of my life..
I gave my first video statement about the horrific ritualistic, sexual, physical and psychological abuse I lived through from 0-8.

It will take a series of interviews to tell the whole story.. 8-9 separate interviews maybe more!
It's taxing in a way I can't explain.
There is NO other situation that someone would speak to that way about your trauma.

Also the terms I have to use are soo uncomfortable. Having to name exactly what body part touched what.
You can't just say "then he raped me" you have to explain to them exactly what rape means!

I know through this process I'm taking back my power and hopefully stopping the abuse and murder of children.

But at this moment it seems like its going to take forever, so many interviews needed to recount all the occasions of abuse.. each one taking a crazy amount of energy!

Today it seems like a mountain.
Yet like any task it can only be viewed in chunks.. each interview is another chunk achieved!

Ohh it scares me, I don't trust the police, I feel like what I have to say will be swept under the rug.. but I continue because it's the best I can do.
Come forward and tell the truth; it's their job to do something about it!

It's a really hard time to have had to flee my home city, live in a hostel and be 100's of miles from any of my friends and family!
Im not actually sure How I'm coping right now? But I am!

#CPTSD #PTSD #ritulisticabuse #Survivor #coping #BipolarDepression #MightyU #takingyourpowerback #MeToo #Stress #tired #SexualAbuse #Torture #Stillhere #MentalHealthHero #MightyTogether

As someone who is a suicide attempt survivor & has been hospitalized multiple times for bipolar depression & suicidal ideation I have to recommend these two amazing coming of age books/movies Perks of Being a Wallflower & It’s kind of a funny story; that discuss being treated, medicated, hospitalized for mental illness, in a way that is honest, heartfelt, painful & yet ends hopeful. These works of art have changed my life for the better & given me the strength to carry on in some really hard times. They both open a discussion about suicidal thoughts & depression as a medical illness & not some weakness or stigma which resonates with me. If you haven’t before you should check them out!

#MightyBooks #Books #Book #BipolarDepression #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #TakeItOneDayAtATime #Onestepatatime #Stillhere #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Anxiety #PTSD #Reading #institutionalization #MentalHealth

I deserve love, I deserve peace, I deserve happiness. ❤️ #Stillhere #keepgoing #sad #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #BipolarDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

I had a good birthday all things considered. Still going through a lot, still #depressed #suicidal yet I am still here trying to #TakeItOneDayAtATime & I feel like with the fact that I’ve been grappling with #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #Pain #Fibromyalgia #Fatigue #severeanxiety , I’m a #suicideattemptsurvivor & I made it another year is something to celebrate. They say it’s always darkest before the dawn. Perhaps things can finally look up for me. Just with everything going on & everything I’ve been through I feel like I can’t get a break. It seems my mom forgot its my birthday, almost 10pm & I still haven’t heard from her. Oh well, Still here. I just gotta tell myself everything will be alright. One day a time a time, one step at a time.

I deserve love, I deserve peace, I deserve happiness

#Anxiety #PTSD #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #ChronicPain #Depression #Divorce #Stillhere #keepgoing #Onestepatatime

youtu.be/V424znK8m48

When hope and love has been lost
And you fall to the ground
You must find a way
When the darkness descends
And you're told it's the end
You must find a way
When God decides to look the other way
And a clown takes the throne
We must find a way
Face the firing squad
Against all the odds
You will find a way
Dig down
Dig down
Dig down
And find faith
When you're close to the edge
With a gun to your head
You must find a way
When friends are thin on the ground
And they try to divide us
We must find a way
We have entered the fray
And we will not obey
We must find a way
Yeah
Dig down
Dig down
Dig down
And find faith
When they've left you for dead (dig down)
And you can only see red (dig down)
You must find a way
Dig down
Dig down
Dig down
Find faith
We won't let them divide (dig down)
We will never abide (dig down)
We will find a way
Dig down
Dig down
Dig down
Faith
Dig down
Dig down
Faith

#TakeItOneDayAtATime #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Anxiety #PTSD #Pain #Fibromyalgia #Stillhere #sad #alone #darkness #keepgoing

Dear Person Reading This,
You made it through another year. You made it through the hard times & pain. You made it through all the times when all you wanted to do was give up. You made it. You made it another year & I promise you can make it another year. I am so proud of you!
I deserve peace, I deserve love, I deserve happiness.
#keepgoing #OnedayAtaTime #ChronicPain #Depression #BipolarDepression #Fibromyalgia #Disabled #TheDisabledLife #Stillhere #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #ChronicIllness #ChronicFatigue #CheckInWithMe

#Stillhere but I’m not doing so good, a lot of bad stuff is happening to me all at once. #Divorce, my #Cat is sick & my four cats are my family & are what has been keeping me going & helping me cope with #BipolarDepression #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Anxiety & if anything happened to them I don’t know what I would do. I’m barely hanging on. Just taking it one day at a time all I can do. Seeing a therapist again finally. Need to see a psychiatrist again too my anxiety & ptsd has been so bad in a car I can barely leave the house anymore. I get flashbacks of the wreck, it’s horrible then I end up throwing up all over the car. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I really don’t. 😿😿😿😿😿

I dyed my hair. I like to paint my nails & dye my hair to feel better. Kind of like personal maintenance for my outsides. My #Selfesteem has not been good so trying to do a little bit of #Selfcare does make a difference. Dyed my hair with arctic fox dye, did wrath red & purple rain & I think it turned out good. Been extremely #depressed still dealing with #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD , will be going through a #Divorce with my best friend who I can’t trust after 9 years of marriage. I’ve barely been hanging on honestly but I’m #Stillhere I keep feeling like I want to give up but I am #ContinuingMyStory it’s just been really hard. I keep putting stuff off that I need to get done & barely able to get out of bed some days but I’ve been pushing myself to at least get up & do something with my time. Also my sleep schedule has been completely messed up & I basically keep the sleep schedule of a vampire. I have to exhaust myself to be able to sleep because of the pain. Been using sleep music & that’s been helping but I keep sleeping during the day & staying up all night watching my favorite shows & movies or playing video games. Anything to escape my current reality. Also been having snuggle time with my #Cats #MightyPets they have been the one thing keeping me remotely sane. I really don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t know where my life is going, everything is up in the air & the world outside this mess of a life is even more terrible. I feel like everything is falling apart but I don’t know how to get myself out of this hole. Just taking it one day at a time because that’s all I can do. #TakeItOneDayAtATime #ProjectSemicolon #SuicideAttemptSurvivors I deserve peace I deserve love I deserve happiness

...everyday. Some days I fight harder than others and some days I barely have the strength to get out of bed. Still here and still fighting. #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #PTSD #SleepApnea #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #MightyTogether #Stillhere #stillfighting #CheerMeOn 💪🏽 gotta remember I’m mighty AF! Even when I don’t feel like it.💙