Suicide Prevention

Tw: Suicide Attempt
I chose to stop working as a counselor after my attempt. Having a personal suicidal crisis or mental health struggles does not automatically mean someone can’t keep working as a counselor. If the counselor gets appropriate help and takes time for some healing, they are often even better at their jobs because they have had these first-hand experiences. I chose to step back to put more time and energy into my own mental health and relationships. It was hard for me to take care of other aspects of my life the way I needed to when I was in that professional role. I know not everyone is able to stop working like I did.

Even with less responsibility, all the individual and group counseling, and family support, I often felt like nothing was really helping. In the weeks and months after my attempt, I continued to struggle with feeling lost, stuck, traumatized, afraid, guilty, and ashamed. I wasn’t going to attempt suicide again, but I wasn’t really okay either.

Getting through each day was hard. I really didn’t know how to move forward with my life. I was grieving the loss of the “counselor” part of my identity while trying to figure out what to do with the newest aspects of my identity of being “unemployed” and a “suicide attempt survivor.” Surviving was all I felt like I was doing sometimes. I shut down and withdrew from other people because I didn’t know what to say to anyone.

I tried to use coping skills, to stay busy, and to have some routines and small goals for each day. I went for walks with my dog, wrote in my journal, listened to podcasts, and spent time with family. I found supportive and helpful spaces online. I read stories about other attempt survivors, including other mental health professionals. I slowly gained more insight and perspective into my own experiences.

About 6 months after I finished day treatment, several of my closest loved ones faced their own significant medical crises and unexpected grief. I knew I needed to be here for my family. I was committed to maintaining my own stability so the focus could remain on them and their needs. I was also committed to doing what I could to support them the way they had supported me during my time of crisis.

Nothing is more important to me than the relationships I have with the people I love. I want (and need) to be here to share the good and bad of life with them. This includes my aging parents, my amazing sister and her young adult children, and my husband and his family.

It has been almost 3 years. I am still trying to find my way and to heal and recover as much as possible from my suicide attempt and the time around it. Progress is slow and there are small steps forward and then steps back sometimes. I continue to struggle with depression, anxiety, ADHD, and insomnia.

Things are better in some ways. I don’t have certain thoughts very often anymore. I am better at challenging thoughts that aren’t true or helpful. I have gotten better at being able to step back and notice my thoughts and feelings in a more detached way. I have also gotten somewhat better at self-compassion.

I want the work I’ve done to recover to benefit other people, not just me. It was too hard to not have a bigger impact. I know my knowledge, skills, years as a counselor, and personal experiences related to mental health and suicidal intensity are valuable. I seek out research opportunities to participate in around these issues.

I want my story to help others (especially other mental health professionals) who are struggling emotionally and having suicidal thoughts to feel less alone. I also want my story to help dispel some of the myths and misconceptions around why people attempt suicide. I also want my personal experiences to help bring about positive change to how we treat individuals experiencing a suicidal or mental health crisis.

Education and advocacy are very important to me. I regularly post about these topics on social media and have participated in awareness walks for mental health and suicide prevention. There is more for me to do and I am trying to be open to what the future holds for me. I know my story isn’t over.

TW: Suicide Attempt.

I have overcome many challenges related to having a life-long physical disability. I also live with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and insomnia. Those conditions might not usually be as obvious too most people, but their impact on my life has been significant. I earned a graduate degree and worked as a counselor for more than 16 years, helping other people going through mental health struggles, relationship challenges, and stressful life transitions. I am married and have a supportive family.

In 2021, I survived a suicide attempt. I tried to end my life after years of frequently feeling overwhelmed and exhausted followed by a much briefer time of crisis. This crisis involved unwanted loss and change in several important area of my life. I was distraught, extremely anxious, and having a lot of trouble sleeping. It was all more than I felt able to handle.

The distress I experienced seemed so much bigger than anything else, including love for my family. I felt so hopeless and desperate for escape. My problems seemed so complicated and beyond real solutions. I did not believe anyone could really help me. At the time, suicide convinced my brain that it was the only real option I had left.

As a mental health professional, I knew I should tell someone what I was thinking. I had family, friends, my own counselor, and a psychiatrist I could have reached out to. I could have called a crisis line. I believed I was making a rational choice not to say anything to anyone.

You would think a counselor would “know better” than to believe suicide was the answer, right? The reality is that a mental health or suicidal crisis can happen to anyone, including those of us who work in the mental health field. We can experience extreme stress so that we believe the lies our brains are telling us. We can become overwhelmed by negative feelings, just like anyone else.

I know that staying silent was a mistake. If I am ever having those thoughts and feelings again, I know I have to tell someone and allow other people to help me. Reaching out for support during a mental health or suicidal crisis is so important. Those thoughts and feelings are too big for anyone to try and deal with alone.

Obviously, things didn’t go the way I thought I needed them to. I woke up in the emergency room. Realizing I was still alive was one of the hardest moments of my life. That’s not something people like to hear but it’s true. I was even more upset than I had been before my attempt. I felt angry and terrified. I knew what would happen next. I was about to be involuntarily hospitalized. I was going to have to continue living, whether I wanted to or not.

I spent several days in the Emergency Department and a week in a psychiatric unit. Visitors were not allowed because of covid restrictions. We couldn’t go outside. It is one thing to hear about hospitalization during a mental health crisis second-hand. It is something else entirely to personally go through it as a patient who also happens to be a counselor. There were specific aspects of the experience that could have been better but I also know it could have been a lot worse.

After being released from the hospital, , I chose to participate in an outpatient day treatment program that lasted for about 6 weeks. At first, I went there a few hours a day, 5 days a week. Then, I went 3 days a week for several hours a day. This program mostly consisted of group counseling. I also had some individual and family counseling and met with a psychiatrist.

I also eventually participated in 12 individual sessions of a specific type of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for people who have suicidal thoughts. A while after that, while I was still meeting regularly with my long-term outpatient counselor and psychiatrist, I took part in a support group for suicide attempt survivors. That lasted for 8 weeks. Both of these interventions are at least somewhat evidence-based and each session included topics and goals.

Both of those took place virtually. Technology can often provide access to a wider range of resources that might not be available close to home. They were also free. One was a research study. The other was provided through a non-profit organization. I found them through my own efforts to get involved in research and to stay informed about what various organizations in the field of suicide prevention are doing.

I know I am blessed to have been able to participate in several different types of treatment. So many people do not have the same kinds of access to professional help after a suicide attempt or mental health crisis. There aren’t a lot of specific interventions for suicide attempt survivors. I really tried to make the most of each opportunity.