Suicide Prevention

Trigger Warning: This poem contains sensitive topics, dark imagery and graphic depictions of suicidal thoughts. Keep in mind, this is just a poem and not to be taken out of context. Unfortunately for others to hear, I do have a rather dark-toned voice when it comes to writing stories in a poetry format. See this as self-expression and a way to transmute pain into art. As I am already seeking professional help.

If anyone is sensitive to this topic, please do not read further than this message. Your mental health is more important than my art.

......

My arousal

Is it depart from this

God-forsaken planet

Permanently

Not tempted to look back

At the past mistakes

Filled with unfathomable regrets

How can I or anyone close forget?

The relationships

I have obliterated

And ended prematurely

Perhaps it would be

Sapient to fly off

The nearest cliff

To finally end the prolonged

Suffering once

And for all

Aspire to vanish

In the midst

Of a perfect storm

Or arrive at cosy

Setting that is warm

Who am I fooling?

I cannot live on

Like this

Spiralling into a

internal abyss

Inner peace

Shattered

Dreams and hopes

For the future

Battered

Into a million pieces

Before my eyes

As if my whole life

Have been a

Big fat lie

I often flirt with death

Through living in

A heedless manner

Who gives a toss

about a defective planner?

As I strolled

Through an eerie

Swamp

Appeared to be all in black

Absences of any hue

Colour it would lack

Descending into more

Intrusive thoughts

Then stumbled into

an invisible web

All caught up thus far

Accepting the entanglement

Just as peaceful

As a spa

Ironically….

Futile to break free

From my own shackles

Cannot saved through

my own insanity

Perplexed in the

Stygian and chilling swamp

Contemplating on

My life or future

In profound estrangement

And dread

Stream of tears

Began to shred

“Is this what I truly desire?”

I questioned

“Who am I leaving behind?”

If only I can

Rewrite the past or rewind.

#MentalHealth #Depression #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Loneliness #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Anxiety #Selfcare #SocialAnxiety #MightyPoets #Neurodiversity #SuicidePrevention #Poetry

Tw: Suicide Attempt
I chose to stop working as a counselor after my attempt. Having a personal suicidal crisis or mental health struggles does not automatically mean someone can’t keep working as a counselor. If the counselor gets appropriate help and takes time for some healing, they are often even better at their jobs because they have had these first-hand experiences. I chose to step back to put more time and energy into my own mental health and relationships. It was hard for me to take care of other aspects of my life the way I needed to when I was in that professional role. I know not everyone is able to stop working like I did.

Even with less responsibility, all the individual and group counseling, and family support, I often felt like nothing was really helping. In the weeks and months after my attempt, I continued to struggle with feeling lost, stuck, traumatized, afraid, guilty, and ashamed. I wasn’t going to attempt suicide again, but I wasn’t really okay either.

Getting through each day was hard. I really didn’t know how to move forward with my life. I was grieving the loss of the “counselor” part of my identity while trying to figure out what to do with the newest aspects of my identity of being “unemployed” and a “suicide attempt survivor.” Surviving was all I felt like I was doing sometimes. I shut down and withdrew from other people because I didn’t know what to say to anyone.

I tried to use coping skills, to stay busy, and to have some routines and small goals for each day. I went for walks with my dog, wrote in my journal, listened to podcasts, and spent time with family. I found supportive and helpful spaces online. I read stories about other attempt survivors, including other mental health professionals. I slowly gained more insight and perspective into my own experiences.

About 6 months after I finished day treatment, several of my closest loved ones faced their own significant medical crises and unexpected grief. I knew I needed to be here for my family. I was committed to maintaining my own stability so the focus could remain on them and their needs. I was also committed to doing what I could to support them the way they had supported me during my time of crisis.

Nothing is more important to me than the relationships I have with the people I love. I want (and need) to be here to share the good and bad of life with them. This includes my aging parents, my amazing sister and her young adult children, and my husband and his family.

It has been almost 3 years. I am still trying to find my way and to heal and recover as much as possible from my suicide attempt and the time around it. Progress is slow and there are small steps forward and then steps back sometimes. I continue to struggle with depression, anxiety, ADHD, and insomnia.

Things are better in some ways. I don’t have certain thoughts very often anymore. I am better at challenging thoughts that aren’t true or helpful. I have gotten better at being able to step back and notice my thoughts and feelings in a more detached way. I have also gotten somewhat better at self-compassion.

I want the work I’ve done to recover to benefit other people, not just me. It was too hard to not have a bigger impact. I know my knowledge, skills, years as a counselor, and personal experiences related to mental health and suicidal intensity are valuable. I seek out research opportunities to participate in around these issues.

I want my story to help others (especially other mental health professionals) who are struggling emotionally and having suicidal thoughts to feel less alone. I also want my story to help dispel some of the myths and misconceptions around why people attempt suicide. I also want my personal experiences to help bring about positive change to how we treat individuals experiencing a suicidal or mental health crisis.

Education and advocacy are very important to me. I regularly post about these topics on social media and have participated in awareness walks for mental health and suicide prevention. There is more for me to do and I am trying to be open to what the future holds for me. I know my story isn’t over.