I've recently decided to try for a romantic relationship. With my mental illnesses it makes it extremely difficult. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I am relatively new to the diagnoses. In the last year a lot has happened. I am out of a five year relationship, I was beaten and raped, I've decided to become alcohol free I'm almost 11 months sober, and I have moved in with my mother. Her and I's relationship has never been good, but this time it's different. She's trying to be more understanding now that there's a label for my problem. My father has never been around and when he was he was drunk, abusive, and grab happy. He liked to remind me that I was never wanted and that I was a mistake from the day he found out my mother was pregnant with me. After I was born I died twice and somehow made it back, that seemed to only make matters worse.
My dad recently came in and out of my life once again. He tries to act like a father to me when he gets bored or lonely and preys on the fact that I long for a father that loves me and cares. I tried to let him in, but it's the same old song and dance. He leaves death threats and reminds me that he's the only dad I'll have. If my own father wants me dead and treats me like garbage how can another man love me. I feel incapable of being loved, of having someone pay attention to me, of being something to someone else. My previous relationship was with a narcissistic sociopath and he made me feel emotionally exhausting. I was either too much or not enough there was no happy medium.
I met someone who is also sober and bettering his life. He asks about my day and my feelings. He wants to know if anything is wrong or how he could help. He loves me and tells me that I am beautiful. I love hearing it, but it terrifies me at the same time. No one has stuck around especially not anyone of the male species. They say they will never leave and they love me and the second I stop bending to their will I am trash. They remind me I'm a mistake and unwanted. I'm only good as long as I am taking orders and not asking questions. I want to trust him and believe him, but I don't feel I am worthy of being loved. He talks about his problems, his dreams, and his emotions. I'm falling so hard, but I have this wall up and I don't want to hurt him. I love him and he makes me happy, but I think he deserves someone better than me.
I don't want to be a mistake. I don't want to be emotionally exhausting. I don't want to be incapable of love. I want to be enough for someone forever. I seem to always fall short or push them away. I don't know if I should continue the relationship or disappear and save him from the mistake which is me...
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