aware

I've always seen above people's heads... or I remember a time years ago when I was in elementary school, fifth grade... Mrs. Vogel a great teacher, said to my mother "I love that Amber reads so much however it's the context of what she is reading that bothers me." I loves to read, I still do even though other things have gotten in the way of my passions and enjoyment. It was my escape from the painful reality that kept my face in book after book and story after adventure. Man, do I miss that fifth grade girl right now because this almost 40 year old woman doesn't even know how she is going to make it through the week. I didn't realize until tonight that I am really so different from my family and pretty much all of them. I also didn't realize tonight that the same sad and lonely fifth grade little girl is still inside of me and now she has been woken up... BUT this time she isn't going to hide her face in a book or story or adventure of another fictional characters life. Nope, Nope, Nope!! She is going to figure out how to get herself out of this dark hole and finally LIVE!! And when I say live I mean live her own adventures without regret because those "around" her don't understand and she is going to tell her own stories with apologies because they are hers, the good and the bad and all of the bullshit in-between and she isn't going to hide her face behind a fiction character that makes the real her seem so small. I think tonight, I learned that the reason I am a six foot tall, strong, fierce, emotionally messed up beast of a woman is because this whole time I've been holding things most couldn't even imagine but I held them. I held them on these strong broad manly (🤣🤣🤷‍♀️) shoulders because God built me to be able to withstand the pain that others may have crumbled under and I think for the first time in my entire messed up, confusing, angry, bipolar and happy life... I understand from a oddly different perspective... now to figure out a way to keep this same energy and vibe and apply it... that is the real struggle I'm about to face... but I am going to with all my might attempt to face it differently than I have faced so many battles before. Because I've always known this I just didn't put it to work the way I should have... I HAVE GOD ON MY SIDE! I HAVE FAITH ON MY SIDE! I HAVE A DESIRE TO HEAL! I have so many things that this emotionally damaged person deeply inbeded within me took over for many years. But I know how to work with her now, live with her now and damned if I'm going to second to her also. This is my life and I am going to live it now... #eyeswideopen #BeautifullyBroken #aware #DayOne

Perhaps we have it backwards! My life undulations to rhythm all its own and I'm along for the ride, I can't control it I can only ride it. What I mean is I don't make the sun come up yet it does.
My body told a story all its own, out of my control, 18 minutes of release of pure energy. This awakening awoke me. Since then I have enjoyed all types of therapies and the holistic ones are awesome. I mean the heat from reike, the energy flow activation from cranial sacral, the frontal lobe awakening from neurofeedback and more... all have shown me my vessel is on sea of life undulating to an unknown rhythm. So, when we are perceived to be this or that it's nothing more than a prisoner staring at the wall in Socrates allegory of the cave.
I trust myself, I let myself be vulnerable and I recognize the energy of life. I'm becoming intune with the world, I see all the chaos of the ego.
Let me explain: epigenetics is the transference of the ego from one generation to the next and it will do anything to continue existing. Perhaps this is why we do or say things that aren't us, because they aren't. It's the ego trying to patch up the holes in the cave to not allow the truth to be known. Now I'm not certified by the state to make such declarations I am certified by my own experiences. Ponder this: why are you doing what you are doing? Why do you live in a world dictated by people who say humans have control of an object existing in a vacuum spiraling around the sun spiraling through space, I mean the absurdity is confounding, yes we can do things better but I think the forces in play are little more powerful than out perceptions- we are limited by the knowledge we think we have.
In thus new beginning of awareness share your thoughts, not your reflective appraisal voice, your voice, give it some thought and go with it.

Does anyone have certain habits or routines to go to bed?
When I got to bed I have to have my hair down but I get knots. If I were my hair can not sleep at all my head has to be flat due to the autism and the sensory issues. #Autism #MentalHealth #Sensory #aware

I started going out and being in people and well it didnt turn out so good after all and caused me to be more drained........