Choice

I'll start with an example. I have a friend who, sometimes, tends to ghost me when we were planning to go out and reappears again when it's late to meet, because for our schedules we can't.

There are people who tells me to just tell her that this behaviour isn't too nice, but I don't. She just comes back saying she's sorry, she did something else and ended up not being free to go out with me.

The point is that, to me, it's okay.

I don't see it as remissive, because we have known each other for a very long time and, even though we aren't the first person we go to when we're facing some hardships, we know that, for each other, we stay.

I often tell her that I'm not going to change my mind about her just because she disappears. (Because I don't. I still love her the same).

Also, true is I do have my flaws(?) too, as sometimes it can take me ages to reply to messages, when we don't see each other for long periods of time and are apart. She still considers me a friend and I do too with her because, after all that's happened - even if at some point I did wonder if it wasn't just out of convenience (now I feel it isn't) - we stayed.

But a few days ago a thought occured. The circumstance was similar and a part of me was feeling like "oh, yeah, here it goes again. I have an opinion and wanted to go out, but I just say - no problem, it's okay, we can meet another time :) - being reassuring, because it truly is okay and I don't want the other person to feel guilty. These are not real hardships, just details and as long as we have time we surely can meet in another moment, though the feeling in me is battling from - it's okay - to - just make it be okay".

And then I thought: "Hey. What are you even thinking about? Why you dare feeling this way? You have someone who may eventually go out with you and who you can go out with. There's someone - and someone you treasure and someone who cares for you. That's more that you've ever had and thought you could have had. Why are you even trying to feel dissatisfied? Just be humble, bro, and take what the opportunity you have been given brings you".

It actually made my mind and heart agree - it's okay and I'm happy and satisfied with it and we can do it as you'd like to - but I'm not sure whether my whole approach is positive.

"If you decide all is well" -

It sounds remissive. And people who knows me know that I tend to be something that resemble submissiveness.

"Oh, I don't really care, you can decide for both, to me anything is okay" along with a smile that I try to make clearly reassuring.

But I act like this because I truly feel it. To me it's okay.

I don't bother about the details; I can go along with almost everything and will say it, idealistically, if something doesn't fit me. I don't want to impose my choice when I don't really care about it. I do care about the fact that we're here, together, doing something, but if I choose what to do, what to talk about, what to listen to, what to eat, where to go, when and how to do it I feel bad. My mind is suddenly filled with insecurity, and an uncomfortable feeling, which eventually triggers a loop of "they're asking you to take a position, you don't want to, you're pushing them to take a position for both, you're bad because you're letting them choose for both and maybe they don't want to, maybe it weights on them, you're being submissive, you're being a burden, you should take position, I've become silent, I feel insecure and whatever I do and say is a reason to attack myself so it's better if I keep myself quiet, but this actually worsen the situation, so I should take position or at least act like always, take myself out of it and hide the insecurity I'm made of right now, a choice is just a choice, they can speak if they're not for it, I hope they'll do it and won't go along with my choice if they don't like it, just because they're making an effort for me. so I just make sure they're aware they do have to speak sincerely. Or else my inner self is going to rip off". And it makes me feel so guilty, extra, bothersome, burdensome that I do really wanna avoid it, also because often it triggers deeper crisis.

So I'm trying to understand this feeling better (I already have my interpretations and they're quite evident) and trying to lessen the negative effect it has on me.

But I do really care - and a lot - about other people not feeling guilty or as they're imposing themselves when I know they're not the type (I'm not speaking of 'anyone' - I should define better where the border lays, so here's another task) or simply when I know how feelings like these can weight. After all, aren't them just all mere choices about details, when what matters is where they feature, what they're part of, where they manifest themselves and, since to me almost anything is okay, why should I make a fuss out of other people's behaviours or choices, preferences (when they're not harmful) when they respect me and show they care for me and I feel respected and cared for.

So to me anything is okay. But don't make me take the choice.

So - I'm just thinking.

(Thank you if you have read til here 😊)

🌚

#submissive #remissive #Burden #Choice #insecurity

You know what even weirder about this phenomenon? I've seen some people claim to have struggled with depression in the past but they say, or at least that's what I interpreted from interacting with them, that they don't struggle with depression anymore because something in them "clicked" and they decided to "take control" or something like that.

I always feel a bit envious of those people who seem to have been "cured." But when I ask how they did it, they just regurgitate the same "self-care" and "mindfulness" stuff we see on every social media platform. Not saying practicing self-care, mindfulness, and gratitude are complete bs. I'm just saying it's a little weird that therapy or medication is never mentioned... At least not from the few people I've talked to.

Perhaps I just need to talk to more people. #Depression #Choice #Thought #Toxicpositivity

From: Suicide, with Love.

When you call on me or know my name, you come from many facets of different life situations which has brought you to call upon me. With the idea that it will relieve your suffering.  You believe that I am the only way out.  You want to end the endless tournament of your suffering and pain which no one around you seems to understand or that you can talk to or reach out to, or even get the response you need or want.  You just want the madness and pain to stop.

Like you, people are human.  They can only see and feel what is apparent and real to them and their reality.  They ask and say, “We are human, as such as are you.  We don’t know the pain you feel, forgive us of what we do not know even if 
we don’t know how to ask or understand.”  

Your pain is real, your feelings are valid.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE NOT IN THIS ALONE, THERE ARE OTHERS THAT KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!”  You call upon my name, “suicide” because you believe there is no other way out and you want to relieve the pain in any way necessary.  Whether you were abandoned, raped, hurt, neglected, depressed, have anxiety, betrayed, cheated on, Failed at whatever you needed to accomplish, pressure, whatever it may be…there is another way.  

I know it doesn’t seem like it and your pain and heart is hurting and there is no one you trust or can talk to.  You feel like, I, am the only option.  The truth is, there are other options, even if you cannot see or feel past your pain and it’s a consistent struggle and life is completely and continuously unfair.  Your biggest assist and gift is that you are still breathing and able to make another choice, a chance at another shot, a better life starting with the choice to live.  

The choice is yours and there were and are and will be others in your position with different circumstances and different perspectives.  But if you call me and choose me, you won’t know what can and will be.  You always have a choice.  Even if it’s breath by breath, you are still breathing so you have an option to choose me or choose your life.  I hope you choose you.  There are more people like you than you know.  And I’m getting sad and tired to see people with choices choose me instead of my counter part, which you have been given and known for a while…life.  I hope you choose wisely.  

You’re always loved.  Just get through the next few moments, moment by moment.  Telling yourself, you have a choice to make your life better with each breath, even if it’s torture and painful, moment to moment.  Breath, live, choose life.