Funeral

My mom pasted away this past Tuesday. Her funeral is this coming Tuesday. She got what she thought was allergies on May 5th and then went down hill from there. It took my siblings and I a month to convince her to go to the doctor because she wasn't getting better. We found out at the very end, she had stage four cancer. How did she not know? How were there no signs or symptoms? I'm having anxiety about going to her funeral because my younger brother is one of those controlling toxic people. I had to block him on my phone because his text messages are abusive and all over the place. I come from an abusive family and I think that is one of the reasons I have pushed them away. I'm positive my brother is going to say stuff to me when I go to mom's funeral. I'm not sure how to handle him. He pushes and pushes until I can't take it anymore. He brings up things he knows will hurt me on purpose. My sister says that's between you and him. Then sa

He says y'all have never gotten along. But she doesn't get it because he doesn't talk to her like he does me. I'm so anxious I can hardly eat. #mom #Anxiety #Abusive #Toxic #nauseous #Funeral #cancerous

I have withdrawn from communication from all family members other than my siblings over the past couple years. The main issue is with my mother, but if I communicate with any extended family members, she will find a way to get the information and then reach out to me again. She comes up with these situations that she decides are absolutely crucial (ex. do I want this old bookcase they are getting rid of?) and will bombard me with messages (email, WhatsApp, SMS, etc.). I don't respond or even open the ones that would have a "read receipt", so then she starts bombarding my siblings saying that she desperately needs an answer to this question and would they ask on her behalf. This behaviour just confirms to me that I am not ready to have contact with her again.

So, she had texted me last week to say that she and my dad would be in town over the weekend. I didn't read the whole thing, so I am just assuming that she also tried guilt-tripping me into seeing each other. And then my 100-year-old great aunt died on Saturday morning.

And now the bombardment begins. The big difficulty here is that I am actually in the same city so I can't isolate myself as well as I could when I lived abroad. I cannot attend this funeral. I keep asking myself if I would regret it later if I didn't but I don't think I have the perspective to be able to answer that question.

The thing is, I feel like if I go, the expectations on me to be who I've always been - my typical role in the family system - will be so high. I'm at a point now where I don't think I can even fake being that person anymore, but I don't have any kind of solid expression of myself now to replace it. I don't know who I am or what I like or what I want to do or even what I believe.

And that's the other issue - I can't walk into a church. The funeral will certainly be a religious event and I can't be part of those words and conversations and Scriptures and prayers and I will have my religious abuse triggered and start dissociating and lose the ability to form sentences or be present.

To be honest, the part of me that has always highly valued and appreciated heritage and history and tradition is either very deeply buried or dead and I just feel nothing about my aunt's death. I know there is a lot of emotional repression going on too, but I simply don't have the capacity to open this up.

I don't see my therapist until Thursday and it's already been since Saturday.

I'm not looking for advice about what to do, but just wanted to share with someone what I am experiencing right now.

#Family #Relationships #Funeral #EmotionalAbuse #spiritualabuse #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth

Please help this amazing family. A close family friend passed away last night. She had stage 4 lung cancer and has been fighting so hard to stick around for her family. She left behind 5 kids, grandkids, and her loving husband, as well as all of the people who's lives she's touched. She was an amazing woman that would do just about anything for anyone that asked. For a short period a couple years ago me and my sister were between houses and she took us in even though her family of 5 were already short on space in a 3 bedroom house. They are struggling with funeral costs, so please help out in any way you can. Anything is appreciated.

www.facebook.com/donate/284147352801656

I'm going to tag as many groups as I can think of because they need a lot of help. #LungCancer #Stage4 #Cancer #Fundraiser #Fundraising #Grief #grieving #Funeral #Family #Love #Depression #Anxiety #Migraine #ChronicMigraines #ChiariMalformation #CeliacDisease #FoodAllergies #Chemotherapy #EmergencyRoom #Lupus #Fibromyaliga #Endometriosis #HashimotosThyroiditis

I see faces
I hear names
But they Lie
They all spy

My photos of life
All under the knife
Fading away quick
All I know is a life of pain

All these threads unravelling
Each by each life rolls away
Red ball of life like my mind
A ball I cannot rewind

The old hat on the hook I know faint
The old man in the grave gone by taint
The old house out in the countryside
All my life is here and what I know

My five gracious giggling girls all grown up
I meet grandchildren but forget the next day
Their pictures in frames I just wish I know names
They dance like my mind in grass acres playing games

Can they see
They are free
They do know
My mind blank

Slowly decaying
My life slips away
I keep hold on tight
More vanish each night
Don’t know those of my own blood
My mind a scary great flood
Don’t know the town which I live
All these strangers around me

In the mirror I see emptiness
They beg me to remember my name
I know nothing of no one or life
I should be gone then cause this much strife

The wailing of a sweet grandchild in my arms
I look out to the land of beautiful farms
No time left to see a sight better than life
A life full of joy and pain faded away

Grief tears rolling down faces as speeches are spoken
A beautiful box with red petals
Whilst waltzing Matilda plays
She’s lowered down
And covered

This is a poem I wrote about my nana Dot who passed from dementia and Alzheimers 3 years ago. She was often confused and thought everybody was lying to her. At her funeral waltzing Matilda was played as it was her favourite song when she remembered. three years later this is my way of grieving finally. Enjoy #Dementia #AlzheimersDisease #Grandparents #lostgrandparents #Love #Pain #MemoryLoss #Memory #countryside #outback #gone #Death #Funeral #FamilyAndFriends #Family #confused #conspircy

Today was the funeral of a friend who was an owner of a music store in our town. He was much more than that, and over the last 17 years we got to know him and his family and he watched me go from a teen to my mid thirties watch my kids growing up and was a guidance counsellor to not just me but to many. Seeing the people turn up today was amazing. It was so packed that not everyone could get in.
Then i got to thinking. If I died, who would turn up for my funeral? I’m either insanely close to people when my moods are ok or I distance myself from everyone including family when I’m not good. There is no in between. It makes it difficult to keep friends. Because most can’t handle that yo yo effect. So I guess today has made me think about what mark I’d be leaving on the world. Or Not leaving. Would I be missed? #Funeral #Depression #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe