What it does to me is it interferes with my intentions. I want to go to sleep; it keeps me awake. I want to eat my food; it makes me feel not hungry enough to do so; I want to stop drinking alcohol for a couple of days; it makes me have that one drink that turns into 4/5 or more. I make plans to see people; it constantly reminds me of my own insecurities that make me cancel these plans. It makes me return to my substance abuse situation where I’m having a gram of cocaine for no reason. It’s easy to think I’m just using this as an excuse for being weak minded or lacking self discipline but it’s not the case.
I have limitations I am fully aware of. When I’m with people and I don’t commit to something they suggest like a meal out or something, it can result in puzzled looks. But I have an illness that makes my brain work in mysterious ways. Just because I might look physically well and as if I don’t have a care in the world, I have a monumental battle going on inside my own head.
People don’t seem to understand or remember this as you’re looking well and you are doing great in their company etc etc. However, you have a million and one things running around your head whilst you’re with people that range from the negative to the obscure and irrelevant, all of which absolutely tire you out, it’s hard. Sometimes you just need to go to get the respite you need.
I don’t expect anyone else to understand it because I don’t understand it myself but I have learnt that being kind to people is so, so much easier than being negative.
#MightyTogether