Panic Attacks

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Mighty Family!!!! I have missed you guys so much and thought and prayed for you daily ❤️

Months ago I was at my very worst. My health had gotten so poor that I was fully bed bound and unable to do anything on my own. I also needed constant care with my memory getting so bad I forgot my name, who my family was, all friends a missing blavk hole where they should have been in my memory. I kept getting lost and confused not remembering basic words and my hands were still excruciating with their inability to work getting even more drastic. My pain was a 10+ though doctors only think pain is a 1 to 10 we know it still can rise to the thousands.

Suicidal thoughts were so bad I was actually planning though losing a best friend's to suicide at 15yrs old still kept me and will always keep me from taking a step no one can come back from that haunts family and friends and leaves things so very messy and heartbreaking.

My so-called pain doctor was still doing nothing after 3 years and countless appointments begging for help I'm any form. He kept me on the same teeny tiny dose for years and wouldn't try any other meds or any other options. I had had no episodes ever of overdose or failing any drug tests but still he refused to help at all despite my first appointment with him where he promised to help me get to where I could shower and dress myself daily.

I wanted to ditch him as my doctor soooo many times despite him being my third and last option since we hadn't been able to find any replacement.
I realized the stress and misery he brought me always and especially after every three month appointment. It wasn't worth the useless dose of medicine I was on. Many doctors left me in a lurch to taper off my meds on my own. I knew how to do it so I called and said I was dropping him as my doctor. From that moment on I felt relief like the biggest weight was gone. Yes my pain was excruciating but my mental health was the biggest mess because of so many doctors refusing to help and leaving me since I was 'too complicated for them'. They just didn't want to put in the work at time.

Why be a doctor if you don't want to help anyone?!

Steadily my mental health improved immensely. I had moments where I was happy though still in pain. Naturally I am a very optimistic and happy soul but moving to a new state and having the cruelest doctors unsurprisingly made me so much worse.

I have a home health nurse that actually wants the very best for me and that was priceless and enough.

And then I got a brilliant and lovely rheumatologist who actually asked intelligent questions, explained answers, and was invested in taking as much time as needed to finish solving my health. He UNDERSTOOD!!! And at my second appointment with him he told us the answers we had been searching for for 17yrs! Since I was 13.

On top of my many inherent diagnoses I had psoriatic arthritis spine arthritis, and rheumatoid arthritis!!!!
The thing that we all thought was lupus but just barely didn't fit was the psoriatic arthritis!
It was the last piece of a puzzle we had tried solving many a time.
Interestingly I had finally narrowed my research to these diagnoses and was months away from figuring it out too.
But I was very happy to have the answers early!

My first appointment with the rheumatologist he gave me arthritis medicine and WOW did it work and so much better than any medicine my hundreds of doctors over the years had tried.
My hands improved!!!! I had feeling in them again and was able to do so much more than I had since I was 16 when I had my waist down reconstruction surgeries that would lead to arthritis all over my body especially to where I was completely unable to use my hands by 17. It was so embarrassing and painful that my body seemed so intent on not working eight. Oh how I just wanted you be normal!!!

And my last but of good news is I at LAST got a new pain doctor after being without officially for three months. My mental health anxiety and depression had improved so that my stress and thereby my pain had decreased to #9 on the pain scale!!! After being a 10 for almost 8 years!!!!!

My new pain doctor was COMPLETELY the opposite of my last one.

From a guy who ALWAYS worse fancy suits and thousand dollar shoes to one in jeans and a t-shirt.
From a guy who never smiled and wouldn't put in time and effort to a guy who smiled the whole appointment and was ready and Excited to put in the work to help me live my very best life!
From a guy who was too proper and cold to one who was so friendly and happy about his job.
From one who was terrified of any teeny hit of using medicine to one ready to take any risk if it meant helping his patients be safe but with less pain.

My new doctor was like the twin of actor Vin Diesel and he was so SO SO tall!
Even better since the drive is so hard for patients to do always, he would do telehealth for two appointments, one in person, and then another two telehealth appointments etc. Yay!!!!! Hallelujah!!!
Lol I was and still am so happy! And he wanted a telehealth appointment a week after the first appointment yo make sure my new meds were the best option.

For YEARS I have wanted a doctor who was there to help always and one who helped me with my meds rather than drop me in a black hole and leave all alone to figure out and guess by myself. To actually be a TEAM and work together to help me help my body so I would LIVE like I had begged all my doctor to help me to no avail! I could have a LIFE that I loved and do fun things and spend time with my family!!!! No more sleeping life away in pain and misery and hopelessness!!!!
It only took 17 years! Haha!

So now I am BACK and back to my happy self. I still have aches and pains full body and I have all my health issues and more besides but I am in a better place than I have ever been.

All of your support and love and encouragement to take time for ME was what I needed. I am so thankful for it and for all of your help over these many years.

Now if only it could get easier to post with no problems like before I would dare to call life quite perfect right now ;) 🙏

So consider this a reminder thar life is worth it! If things suck now, just remember that if one day they come up with something that can help you and your conditions, I PROMISE you will want to be around then to live your best life.

Hold onto hope! DON'T GIVE UP!! Please please don't. Through sheer will and the grace of God I am still here and gosh do I look back now and say it was worth the wait I wouldn't want to relive it lol but having a possibility to go to the movies again and do fun things out in the world with my family? It is priceless! Please hold on. Please. You and your best life are worth it! You are Not alone in this.

I am cheering you on and I am on your side. Your happy is out there! You CAN do this!!!!

#AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #bedbound #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Grief #Insomnia #Lupus #Lymphedema #Headache #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Psoriasis #PTSD #plantarfasciitis #PanicAttack #PanicAttacks #Psychosis #PsoriaticArthritis #RareDisease #RheumatoidArthritis #AnkylosingSpondylitis #MentalHealth #MemoryLoss #MightyTogether #SuicidalThoughts #Scoliosis #Migraine

56 reactions 23 comments
Post

Mighty Family!!!! I have missed you guys so much and thought and prayed for you daily ❤️

Months ago I was at my very worst. My health had gotten so poor that I was fully bed bound and unable to do anything on my own. I also needed constant care with my memory getting so bad I forgot my name, who my family was, all friends a missing blavk hole where they should have been in my memory. I kept getting lost and confused not remembering basic words and my hands were still excruciating with their inability to work getting even more drastic. My pain was a 10+ though doctors only think pain is a 1 to 10 we know it still can rise to the thousands.

Suicidal thoughts were so bad I was actually planning though losing a best friend's to suicide at 15yrs old still kept me and will always keep me from taking a step no one can come back from that haunts family and friends and leaves things so very messy and heartbreaking.

My so-called pain doctor was still doing nothing after 3 years and countless appointments begging for help I'm any form. He kept me on the same teeny tiny dose for years and wouldn't try any other meds or any other options. I had had no episodes ever of overdose or failing any drug tests but still he refused to help at all despite my first appointment with him where he promised to help me get to where I could shower and dress myself daily.

I wanted to ditch him as my doctor soooo many times despite him being my third and last option since we hadn't been able to find any replacement.
I realized the stress and misery he brought me always and especially after every three month appointment. It wasn't worth the useless dose of medicine I was on. Many doctors left me in a lurch to taper off my meds on my own. I knew how to do it so I called and said I was dropping him as my doctor. From that moment on I felt relief like the biggest weight was gone. Yes my pain was excruciating but my mental health was the biggest mess because of so many doctors refusing to help and leaving me since I was 'too complicated for them'. They just didn't want to put in the work at time.

Why be a doctor if you don't want to help anyone?!

Steadily my mental health improved immensely. I had moments where I was happy though still in pain. Naturally I am a very optimistic and happy soul but moving to a new state and having the cruelest doctors unsurprisingly made me so much worse.

I have a home health nurse that actually wants the very best for me and that was priceless and enough.

And then I got a brilliant and lovely rheumatologist who actually asked intelligent questions, explained answers, and was invested in taking as much time as needed to finish solving my health. He UNDERSTOOD!!! And at my second appointment with him he told us the answers we had been searching for for 17yrs! Since I was 13.

On top of my many inherent diagnoses I had psoriatic arthritis spine arthritis, and rheumatoid arthritis!!!!
The thing that we all thought was lupus but just barely didn't fit was the psoriatic arthritis!
It was the last piece of a puzzle we had tried solving many a time.
Interestingly I had finally narrowed my research to these diagnoses and was months away from figuring it out too.
But I was very happy to have the answers early!

My first appointment with the rheumatologist he gave me arthritis medicine and WOW did it work and so much better than any medicine my hundreds of doctors over the years had tried.
My hands improved!!!! I had feeling in them again and was able to do so much more than I had since I was 16 when I had my waist down reconstruction surgeries that would lead to arthritis all over my body especially to where I was completely unable to use my hands by 17. It was so embarrassing and painful that my body seemed so intent on not working eight. Oh how I just wanted you be normal!!!

And my last but of good news is I at LAST got a new pain doctor after being without officially for three months. My mental health anxiety and depression had improved so that my stress and thereby my pain had decreased to #9 on the pain scale!!! After being a 10 for almost 8 years!!!!!

My new pain doctor was COMPLETELY the opposite of my last one.

From a guy who ALWAYS worse fancy suits and thousand dollar shoes to one in jeans and a t-shirt.
From a guy who never smiled and wouldn't put in time and effort to a guy who smiled the whole appointment and was ready and Excited to put in the work to help me live my very best life!
From a guy who was too proper and cold to one who was so friendly and happy about his job.
From one who was terrified of any teeny hit of using medicine to one ready to take any risk if it meant helping his patients be safe but with less pain.

My new doctor was like the twin of actor Vin Diesel and he was so SO SO tall!
Even better since the drive is so hard for patients to do always, he would do telehealth for two appointments, one in person, and then another two telehealth appointments etc. Yay!!!!! Hallelujah!!!
Lol I was and still am so happy! And he wanted a telehealth appointment a week after the first appointment yo make sure my new meds were the best option.

For YEARS I have wanted a doctor who was there to help always and one who helped me with my meds rather than drop me in a black hole and leave all alone to figure out and guess by myself. To actually be a TEAM and work together to help me help my body so I would LIVE like I had begged all my doctor to help me to no avail! I could have a LIFE that I loved and do fun things and spend time with my family!!!! No more sleeping life away in pain and misery and hopelessness!!!!
It only took 17 years! Haha!

So now I am BACK and back to my happy self. I still have aches and pains full body and I have all my health issues and more besides but I am in a better place than I have ever been.

All of your support and love and encouragement to take time for ME was what I needed. I am so thankful for it and for all of your help over these many years.

Now if only it could get easier to post with no problems like before I would dare to call life quite perfect right now ;) 🙏

So consider this a reminder thar life is worth it! If things suck now, just remember that if one day they come up with something that can help you and your conditions, I PROMISE you will want to be around then to live your best life.

Hold onto hope! DON'T GIVE UP!! Please please don't. Through sheer will and the grace of God I am still here and gosh do I look back now and say it was worth the wait I wouldn't want to relive it lol but having a possibility to go to the movies again and do fun things out in the world with my family? It is priceless! Please hold on. Please. You and your best life are worth it! You are Not alone in this.

I am cheering you on and I am on your side. Your happy is out there! You CAN do this!!!!

#AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #bedbound #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Grief #Insomnia #Lupus #Lymphedema #Headache #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Psoriasis #PTSD #plantarfasciitis #PanicAttack #PanicAttacks #Psychosis #PsoriaticArthritis #RareDisease #RheumatoidArthritis #AnkylosingSpondylitis #MentalHealth #MemoryLoss #MightyTogether #SuicidalThoughts #Scoliosis #Migraine

56 reactions 23 comments
Post

Yeaterday night was so hard for me. I had panic attack which was so bad that i was literally gonna hurt myself again something i didn’t do for a long time. Cause i don’t want to hurt myself. I know how much pain i have endured. But,that time my mind wasn’t working. I again had suicidal thoughts. I was continuously looking at my medicines. Also i had knife. I don’t know what i wanted to do. I wanted to give up all on a sudden. Actually my mother told me something that triggered my anxiety so badly that i was pulling my hair so harshly and all. I felt i can't breathe and everything was suffocating me. I had to call my aunt someone who is very supportive and she is with me from the very beginning. I couldn’t even hold the phone properly. My hands were shaking. I hit my hand on the wall hard which is still hurting.. Then i somehow abke to calm down. She helped me to calm down. I am glad that i called her otherwise i don’t know what i would have done. After talking to her, i tried to sleep. Whenever i try to sleep, i feel something is piercing my heart.. And the whole night i had terrible nightmares. I didn’t wake up from the bed cause i was feeling so bad. Also i knew i can't stay without talking to my mother cause she is the only one who is goona do everything for me.. And after that,she was also crying.. I have seen my mother crying with me everything i cried. She is the one who has seen my suffering so closely. So,whatever happens,i know she is there for me .. So she is the one. Yes,she is. I just talked to her crying and she was also crying. I knew she would do that. She said she would do anything for me and i know she really meant it. After talking to her, i feel much better. I can't stay angry at her cause if i door talk to her,then i can never be okay.. And i am glad having my mother and my aunt beside me.. They are my safe place. They are the one who are with me and goona be with me always. Also yesterday i did something. My sister,she always told me that if you weren’t like this,it would have been better. She never understood.. I never got to talk to her about my pain cause i was afraid of her judmental words. But, i wrote my feelings, how much i suffered and everything. Also told her if you ever find someone like me,then never tell them something like this. Yeah, i expressed my feelings. I did. It made me feel good. We all need a chance to share our feelings acuse only we know how much sufferings and pains we are going through. It’s up to then they will understand or not. But, we got our right to speak for ourselves against all these judgements.. Yeah, we do.. #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts

6 reactions
Post

I can't do this #struggling #MentalHealth #Anxiety #BipolarDepression

I'm really struggling. I'm in a severely emotionally abusive relationship and he has known about my mental health struggles since we first met. Now he uses them against me. I'm at the end of my rope. I have nowhere to escape to, no finances due to becoming disabled and he's literally driving me to snap. He has the whole neighborhood believing I'm crazy because he would purposely antagonize me to the point of a panic attack, then would sit and watch me spiral out of control then went and pretended that he has been this amazing and supportive man, that I'm abusing him and mistreating him. Today I was told I need help that I'm completely nuts, wacko, wack job, psycho, disturbed, completely screwed up in the head... I've literally given up everything and sacrificed everything for this man. I have bent over backwards, and it's been a complete nightmare. He knows I have nowhere else to go, I can't get an appointment with my psychiatrist because I already owe them and can't pay, and lost my insurance. I don't know what to do

24 reactions 9 comments
Post

March 24th, 2024 Review

I really can’t recall much from today other than me doing the same things I do everyday,
Though I spent a lot of time drawing as that was the majority of what I did and I’m feeling a bit burnt out even though it’s supposed to be relaxing.
It normally is for me but sometimes I just don’t want to do anything when things get overwhelming.
I don’t know if I’m stressed, overwhelmed, or burnt out.
Likely stressed due to all the medical appointments;
The infusion, bloodwork, extra, and upcoming hospital event that I get closer to everyday.
It’s nothing worrying but it’s still refered to as surgery.
But I’m stressed because I have to go to the hospital and I dislike going to hospitals and avoid them at all cost that I can.
It’s so difficult to even watch medical related things even if minor.
It’s due to past trauma; my body physically shakes and I have panic attacks when I am reminded of hospitals.
I’ve been trying to work out a solution so I can go to the hospital without shutting down.
Perhaps I could bring headphones to listen to calming music?
I’m not sure.
#MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #CrohnsDisease #InflammatoryBowelDiseaseIBD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder

8 reactions 4 comments
Post

My dog is getting surgery tomorrow, I need reassurance that everything is going to be fine

I’m so scared something is going to happen to my baby girl during surgery, I guess I just need emotional support right now #pet #Anxiety #PanicAttacks

17 reactions 4 comments
Post

March 22nd, 2024 Review

Finally posting,
I didn’t post for some time as some medical stuff came up; nothing serious just needing blood work and an x-ray.
It just took a lot of energy out of me since my infusions were very close to all of this happening.
My week has been mostly dominated by medical appointments and will continue to be so as I have to go to the hospital for a mild event,
though I don’t want to share what it is exactly but it isn’t anything to worry about at all and I will be perfectly fine just going to be very sleepy for maybe a few days so there might be a break from posting/journaling for a bit.
Though I do have a problem that I can’t seem to solve.
My traumatic experiences in hospitals has made it impossible to watch just brief medical scenes as I had a panic attack about it yesterday.
My brain sees it and just screams danger so my heartbeat and breathing get really quick as I start to get flashbacks.
But I have to go to the hospital for the medical event and I can’t even begin to imagine how I’m going to be able to do that without having a panic attack.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
#MentalHealth #Trauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #InflammatoryBowelDiseaseIBD #CrohnsDisease

6 reactions 3 comments