Ranting

My sister and I recently had a discussion about my Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome... We've become quite close since she became pregnant and gave birth to my nephew in 2021. She knows how much I hate that my POTS limits what I can do (especially when it comes to my nephew) and how exhausting it can be.

The other day she was asking me if there's a way to cure my POTS and the Dysautonmia. I explained to her as best as I could that there isn't a cure, but there are some things I can do (and have been doing) that will lessen how much it wrecks my life. Like strengthening my leg muscles, increasing my salt intake, getting up slowly and so on...

Yesterday afternoon I was hit with a pretty bad migraine so I went to lie down in my room with my blackout curtains shut to keep out any light. Not long after I'd put my head on the pillow, I suddenly really needed to pee. So, obviously, I got up quite quickly.

Next thing I know, I can hear my mum and sister shouting, trying to wake me up - I'd fainted (not for the first time). As I came around, I could feel that something in my left elbow was really sore and burning. When they finally helped me up, they started freaking out. I was still a little out of it but when I looked down, my arm was covered in blood, as was my top and the rug I'd fallen on.

Turns out, there was a small plate on the edge of my chest of drawers, by the TV, and we think that as I'd fainted and gone down, I'd knocked the plate to the floor, it smashed, as as I landed, it sliced into my arm in two places. As they tried to clean me up, it really fricking hurt. While we were waiting for a friend to take me to hospital, my nephew kept toddling over and handing me his favourite toys, and I just didn't have the energy to play with him and his bottom lip started wobbling. It broke my heart.

Anyway, they got me to the Minor Injuries department nearby. I had to have nine stitches, then some antibacterial squares covering each wound, then a dressing, and then a bandage to keep it all in place.

I felt awful, and I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I hate this stupid condition. It's embarrassing and it's dangerous. POTS has also caused me to break my wrist and fracture one of the long bones in my foot before, by fainting at the wrong time. Admittedly, I don't think there's a way to faint at the -right- time, but you get what I mean.

I guess I just really needed to rant a bit. I'm feeling very sorry for myself. Thank you for listening, though.

#chronicillnesswarrior #ChronicPain #posturalorthostatictachycardia #POTS #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #EDS #InterstitialCystitis #NAFLD #LiverDisease #Diabetes #BPD #Depression #Anxiety #GERD #IBS #Ranting

Just ranting about what just happened so feel free to ignore me.

Yesterday we had a family only birthday party for my 12yrs cousin which of course drained my social battery which haven't properly recovered today, not including that I didn't stop since I woke up having to eat breakfast, do an 1 hour walk then go straight to cleaning as chores.
I woke up at 7am and could only pause now at 10am, yet when I asked my grandmother "do you need my help with my brother or can I go shower and rest ?" She went all "you don't need to rest ! Rest from what ?"

I know for her what I did wasn't much but for me it is, I have agoraphobia and social anxiety so staying on groups on itself is draining to me even being family. Currently I am on group therapy and other treatments so I can handle those better but I still can't even speak at the group therapy yet, only a few words at best.

I have been in several treatments for years by now, I made a HUGE progress through all that time which I'm proud of doing. Although there is still much that I cannot do, and some that even when I can do, I need a lot of rest afterwards.

#Ranting #Vent

So I have been really struggling with my bpd lately and I felt so helpless and I feel like therapy doesn’t help because when it comes down to it not even my therapist will ever truly understand my day to day struggle or what racks and ruins my brain. No mater how many ways I can try to explain it to her so she’ll get it. I feel extra alone and isolated and the anxiety and frustration with not knowing my emotions or thoughts and how to deal with them was just building and building recently so I was looking on Amazon and ended up ordering a highly recommended workbook specifically for bpd. And even tho obviously (by the 17.8k reviews) many people have proudly or not so proudly purchased and used this work book. I can’t help but feel embarrassed? I don’t want people to think I’m hyper focused on my personality disorder because it makes me “special” or “important” but it’s really because I have no idea where to begin on how to handle this disorder that I have recognized everywhere in my past but have only been able to put a reason/explaination recently with the new diagnosis with bpd. All of the years of not knowing how different my brain really is made me feel crazy and insane and irrational. I’m enormously scared of slipping in to that feeling again because of my lack of progress or understanding of myself. So I ordered the book. I’m scared I’m spending money on things like this and that it won’t truly help me but I don’t know what else to do anymore. What should I do? Was it a dumb purchase? Can nothing or no one help me? Im sorry for the rant that is probably very confusing. My mind is alphabet soup lately. #help #symptomsofbpd #Ranting

I live with my cousin and her family. I’ve lived with them for 8 years. They have been around me through all of my lies and mistakes, relationships, and breakdowns. But I still feel guilty and I just feel like I don’t connect with them anymore. I barely communicate because I feel like I’ve already have had the same conversations with them and I don’t really get out of the house. My family has gotten to the point where I don’t get invited to do things with them. This is how isolated I’ve been, my cousin who is bipolar says I disturb her inner peace so I just stay away. My family tells me I should just accept who I am and when I say that I do, I accept I’m a nerd, bookworm, anime lover and somewhat immature 28 year. Then I get told I need to grow up. I’m just confused on what I need to do. #Ranting

So I legit just signed up for this like a few minutes ago. And I scrolled around to get a feel of things. I’m now crying because I relate to so many people. But I also don’t. I never got diagnosed by anyone. No one knows about anything and I’m so scared to tell anyone that I hate myself. When I have breakdowns, I leave my door open. Giving my family the chance to find me crumpled down in a sobbing mess.

But actually, I wouldn’t be able to explain why I was sat down on the ground crying. I don’t know how I’d be able to look at my mother or my siblings in the face and tell them I’m hurting. I wish for comfort, and for help. But I don’t know how I’d cope when a therapist pokes prods at me, asking me to explain myself. I am extremely shy, it doesn’t matter if you’re my best friend or my own mother. I’m still too shy to speak up.

I act on impulse, I’d say things, think things, and do things without reason. That's why it’s so hard for me to keep real friends. Friends that I only hang around so I won't get bored. And also, while I'm at the topic, is it wrong to only hang out with a group of people so you don't grow bored at school? Is it bad that I didn't feel attached to them? I didn't feel much emotion to them. They just were there so I wouldn't completely lose it while I was at school. I now feel like a monster. I didn't deserve their love and compassion. I can't look at one of the girls now and call her my friend. I lost contact with all of them and decided that I'd make real friends.

I'm jealous, bad, and disgusting. I grew angry and emotional over the fact that my older brother was getting professional help for himself and I wasn't getting help. I'm an over-emotional crybaby. I realize it more and more. I can cry from just thinking of something randomly, it's sad.

Is it also bad that I cry when I get angry? I find it embarrassing and disgusting when I'm trying to stand up for myself and I end up crying violently. What's up with that? #Undiagnosed #Ranting #Questioning #Depression #Crying

I’ve been applying to many places for a new job and can’t seem to get one. The interviewers ask strange questions like why I want to work at that location. I need a job and am willing to work hard for almost nothing in pay what more do you want from me?
Should I lie and say I’ve always wanted to work for McDonald’s! I’ve got a passion for annoying needy customers and the smell of grease! Nothing in this world would make me happier than to work my ass off for $9.50 at this wonderful establishment they call McDonald’s!
#Anxiety #Neurotic #Pissed #Depression #losingmypatience #Ranting

I'm spiralling with anxiety at the moment. My depression isn't helping either. The outside world is being too demanding, all I want to do is to focus my limited energy on being a good mother to my daughter and helping her through this difficult time (she's teething).

I'm having so many panic attacks and nightmares on a regular basis that I feel exhausted.

The outside world wants me to be a healthy (I wish I was healthy) productive member of society with a job and to leave my five month old daughter in a crèche for 12 hours a day, just so I'm no longer on unemployment benefits.

I didn't plan on having my daughter by now (I honestly thought it would have taken a few years of trying before I was ever graced with a beautiful child of my own), I was planning on being a qualified healthcare professional by now but I had to put my qualification on hold until my daughter was born.

Now I have to go to job employment scheme information session (I know what happens there as my boyfriend has been to it before) and they'll try to force me to get a job as a waitress (which I'm terrible at and have been fired from each time I worked as one).

#Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Depression #Working #PanicAttacks #Nightmares #exhausted #Parenting #Ranting #CheckInWithMe