venting

I’m having a pain and fatigue flare up and it’s so isolating. Paired with beginning touse a wheelchair to get around I’ve had enough. Sick of feeling like this #venting #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Fibromyalgia #Bipolar2

I just want to walk away. From the goose from my marriage. The whole thing! I just can’t anymore! I need a hip replacement and have needed one for I think 2 years maybe. Maybe only a year. I can’t keep anything straight anymore. For two months I packed up things in the house BY MYSELF! Absolutely no reason he couldn’t have lifted a finger! He has been off work for over a month! Does he care? IDK it bothers me I can’t work. It bothers me I don’t have a partner! He has to be told most everything to do! I can’t deal with babysitting someone who supposed to be my PARTNER! I don’t want to be with him anymore. Yet we’ve been through so much! I just don’t know how much more I can take!!! After 18 years together and 16 years of marriage idk what to do anymore. Before you ask did you try counseling YES AND HE DID NOT DO THE HOMEWORK ASSIGNED! I had almost rather be single and not have to babysit someone who is to be a partner! He knows all of this! It’s almost a daily thing anymore I tell him I’m tired of having to babysit!

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Honestly, what the FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING WORK! What is it that they can’t seem to understand?! My anxiety is a disability, damn it!!!

It’s been 3 FUCKING TIMES ALREADY, 2 FUCKING APPEALS, and I POORED ALL OF MY FUCKING HEART OUT ABOUT WHY I CANNOT FUCKING WORK, THE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA, THE EPISODES OF DEPRESSION, THE FUCKING HYGIENE ISSUES, MY SEVERE SOCIAL GENDER DYSPHORIA AS A NON-BINARY INDIVIDUAL AND AVOIDING MOST SOCIAL SITUATIONS OUT OF THE PURE FEAR OF BEING MISGENDERED, HATE BEING UNDER PRESSURE, HAVING MANY TRIGGERS! I was receiving payment for 3 fucking months, and NOW they’ve decided that my FUCKING STRUGGLES AREN’T ENOUGH?!?!

Honestly fuck everything. I feel like I’ll just never be truly seen by this US government. I’ve only just wasted my fucking time with them, and so really don’t feel like HAVING TO EXPLAIN TO THEM FOR THE 50TH TIME THAT I’M NOT MY BIRTH GENDER AND I AM NOT A BINARY GENDER!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MYANXIETYISADISABILITY #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #FeelingIgnored #thissucks #Trauma #angry #disappointment #LGBTQ #Loneliness #sad #Vent #venting

I mean
I feel quite ashamed of having realized and of sharing this but tbh I just hope someone here will tell me I’m not the only one or even if I am the only one that it’s ok.

I know that some of our behaviours are like patterns of self sabotage.. like our mind is always trying to get us back to that place of hurt that is so awful but at the same time so confortable.. but .. do you think that flirting or actually getting involved (by talking only - and imagination) with someone else while at the same time being so so so happy on my loving relationship (that is monogamous)?

I really just talked via message with this other person that I know messes with my mind (and I’m hating myself for that yet can’t stop thinking about them)
But I notice it’s like a pattern
Am I just a bad person? Or could I be self sabotaging (I don’t know exactly why I would)?
why do I do this?? :(

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I'm LGBTQ+. I'm transmasc non-binary. I'm otherkin (not human). I'm Black. I have autism (please don't call my autism a disorder/disability/syndrome) and anxiety, and someone with trauma. I cry very easily. I am overweight. I am a part of a plural/collective. I am non-romantically polyamorous. And every damn day, I feel like this world called society is just here to for the sole purpose to shit on others, betray others, or just to secretly judge others, including me.

Every day, it is getting much harder and harder to believe that there is a single damn individual out there (other than my current therapist, all of my partners, my dad, and a few friends) who has common sense, is open-hearted, is open-minded, and doesn't like to discriminate or invalidate others for being different or for experiencing different things, or labeling themselves differently. Sometimes, the anxiety gets to the point where it seems like going out is stupid for me. What's the point?

It's like almost every damn community I've been a part of (and left) and witnessed just LOVES to INVALIDATE OTHERS SOMEHOW?! It's so annoying and stupid and it's just like... why can't you just fucking accept someone for who they are??? All of this just makes me so fucking angry and just...!!

...Sigh. Now that that's off my chest... may I ask for advice on how to go about this? I already currently seeing a therapist, luckily. Right now, it is very very hard for me to get off this mindset because I believe it's true, sadly.. this society and all of other individuals' opinions is tearing me apart..

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #helpme #Vent #venting #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #anger #help #Society #Advice #triggerwarning #Neurodiversity #LGBTQIA #plural #otherkin

This is a line in a song in Gilmore Girls, A year in the life. And it stuck with me.
So many of us are used to being so strong.
Keeping it together.
Keeping it going.
Staying positive.
Seeing the glass half full.
Practicing gratitude.
Acknowledging the beauty in it all.
The lessons.
Smiling.
Wearing the high functioning masks.
It becomes a way of life in a life that is hard to live.
A life that would be too heavy to live if we didn't have our practice of resilience.
But even we break.
And I am breaking right now.
Depression has crept in and is gnawing away.
I am used to this.
I know how the cycle goes.
I have to give it room.
It only gets worse if I fight it.
I have to flow with it until I hit bottom.
Then the only way is up.
I am grateful I know this.
It gives me a sense of hope in the dark.
Something to cling to.
So even as I break, I am resilient.
It's hard when you break. It's crushing.
And it's hard to put yourself back together afterwards.
But I do it. Time and time again.
And I'll do it this time to.
But for now:
No, I am not unbreakable.
I am breaking right now.
Thank you for listening.
I needed to vent.
#MightyTogether
#venting
#MentalHealth
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#HighlysensitivePerson

For my mental health sake, I sincerely ask if you could please censor c*v*d-19 (o, i) or the other words, p*nd*mic (a, e), and q**rantine (ua) or leave them out entirely before posting any comments. Thank you, you’re the best!
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Before I say anything, I just want everybody to know that I am not intending to be/sound rude when I say any of this.

Saying that “well, *trigger word* is not going to go away” or “it is what it is” are the least helpful things you can say to someone with triggers, because to me, it feels like you’re saying “welp, you’re screwed for the rest of your life” and for the latter “I simply don’t care”, even if you’re not intending to sound that way.

Yes, I still have these words as my triggers everyday. It still brings me flashbacks whenever I fucking hear any of the words and how much of a sad life I’m still in (and I already have mostly negative views about society) because I unintentionally drag myself into that very sad period of 2020 and beyond.

I’m trying to work this over with my therapist, but I haven’t because there’s a thousand things that happen with me and are on my fucking mind everyday, and if not everyday, then most days (traumatic flashbacks, being overstimulated by youngest nephew constantly, stress dreams, trying to make time for all 7 of my queerplatonic partners (yes, it’s healthy, non-romantic, and consensual) and trying to be perfect around them all the time (I should probably stop doing that), waiting to move out of here already into a more safer and quieter environment, extreme social dysphoria as a non-binary individual, etc. etc.)

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #Trauma #Anxiety #triggers #normalizetriggerwarnings #overstimulated #overwhelmed #triggerwarning #venting #LGBTQIA #MentalHealth

It was five months after I experienced the most painful death in my life and I was getting/trying to stay sober and doing everything I could to stay above the waves drowning me daily.
I was only getting out of bed for work and doing what could to maintain my self-care and keep going. Doing what I could to make my weekly therapy sessions and follow through with my outpatient rehab.

Then I finally hit a wall
I was lonely
I thought I'll just get on Hinge one more time not to date just for some companionship. Just to have someone to go out with and talk to not for love.

I met a couple of nice souls who understood I wasn't wanting to date and remained respectful to me and my story and continued to talk with me.
I've been through a lot and I'm glad they saw I was in no place for anything serious.

Then I met You.
You made me feel special you made me feel seen you told me everything I've been dying to hear since I was a little girl learning about fairy tales and princes.
You shared your pain with me and made me feel related to you were always supportive and uplifted me in ways no one has before. You reminded me of the person I lost to death and I clung to it.
I felt a fire ignite in me I began to feel alive again I started working out and smiling and enjoying my job everyone could see how happy I was. You were deployed when we started talking but you would be home in a month and I was so excited. Then you told me you loved me and I believed you. Then you told me you wanted to marry me and that no one has made you feel this way again after your own life of pain... And I believed you.
With my heart being so broken and vulnerable I fed off your words and I gave you all my trust.
For I have lived a life of abuse and was weary of being touched.

Finally, the day came when I would meet you for the first time.
You came onto me and I allowed it bc I believed you loved me I believed every single promise you made me I looked at them daily to keep my depression at bay.

Only for the very next day
You started acting differently.
You were cold and distant even rude to me when we were together. I assumed it was your PTSD and depression from being deployed as you had warned me. I let every harsh action and word slide bc I loved you and I didn't want to give up on you like the rest. I fed off the small victories you would give me like meeting your family and going to Arizona and other places to be introduced to your friends. I sat patiently waiting for any ounce of affection you would allow me after weeks of telling me you couldn't wait to cuddle me. I was desperate. But it got worse and worse and I began to get more and more depressed and you started to tell me I was too much or I wasn't enough or anything you could no matter how much I changed myself to accommodate you. So I broke up with you.
But you wouldn't let me go you continued to bait me with “love” and continued to use me for sex. And I loved you so much I didn't stop you bc I thought you were just scared and hurting. I didn't want to abandon you.
But the hot and cold you were giving me was becoming too much. I didn't want to play anymore and I voiced myself.
Eventually, my emotions were too much for you and you blocked me. Told me to leave you alone and to not make things worse. And with a broken heart I did I let you go in hopes one day when you were yourself again when you were the boy I had fallen in love with again you'd reach out to me and explain what went wrong and apologize for how you treated me.

You left me to my first year of grief after telling me you would be there for me that I would never feel alone again.

And I began to suffocate as the memories popped up on my social media about the days I unknowingly had left with my best friend before he died. I wept and wept for weeks wondering how on earth did I mess things up and how did I get the only man who could love me to leave me what was so wrong with me that I'm left alone in my sorrow again?
I clung to the hope you would come back for me bc I believed you when you said you loved me and that you were just going through a lot right now having been deployed.
My emotions were all over the place I felt like I was dying. I had good days and I started to move forward then id find something out about you and would come crashing down into myself again.

After a few months I couldn't stand it I wanted companionship a distraction ANYTHING to get my mind off him. And I tried to download dating apps again. For a few weeks, I would make a profile and then delete it and then make a new one and then delete it. Finally, I got back on hinge and made a few matches with some decent people but didn't feel much. I finally matched with a guy who had already served 10 years and was a gulf war veteran. And he was also just looking for a friend since he had just gone through a pretty bad breakup.
We talked shit about our exes and when it was my turn it sparked his interest when I mentioned the airforce guy I had just dated and his back story. He began to ask more questions about the airforce boy and his rank and his job. He said something wasn't adding up with the airforce boy’s story. I know nothing about the army so I was none the wiser but I gave him the information I had and to my surprise, he gave me his number and told me to call him bc of what he found and it was going to be easier said over the phone.

I couldn't believe my ears.
Air Force boy had lied to me about everything. Lied about his whole military career. And with that proof, it was like the sheet had been torn away and I could see through his every action and every word I saw The Lies. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my heart. It Wasnt Me it Wasnt My fault I didn't ruin anything 💔
I was just a broken girl who met the wrong person at the wrong time and got taken advantage of.

It's been a process.
This guy I just met freed me with the truth and gave me the closure I needed to let go and move on. I don't think about it anymore but I've had a hard time forgiving the airforce dude and letting go of the hatred in my heart. How could he in good conscience manipulate and use me knowing the world of pain I've been through? Knowing how fragile I was barely holding onto life? Who knows why people do evil things? Sometimes bad things just happen to good people.
And I hope one day I can finally let go of this hatred I hold. That I can heal from all the men from my past who've taken advantage of my big heart. Because I want to enjoy my life. I want to live for the ones I've lost to death that loved me deeply and want me to be happy. I want to live For Me.

Life can be hell but it can also be beautiful and I'm doing my best to see that🤍

May all of you who have had similar stories also heal from others' wrongdoings onto you and be able to enjoy life again knowing there is nothing wrong with you sometimes we just love the wrong people. That it's okay to be happy and not punish ourselves for being tricked that letting go doesn't mean what happened to us doesn't matter.
Moving on just means you love yourself more🤍
Thank you for listening to my story and letting me vent I've been holding onto this pain for so long and it feels good to let it out.