Childhoodneglect

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    Nowhere to go from here

    My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

    I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

    It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

    I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

    She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

    If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

    Thanks for listening.
    ♧♧♧

    #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression

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    What is this thing called "Hope"? #seekingknowledge

    What is this thing called hope? Yes, this is a serious question. What frame of reference do you use to explain something to someone who has never know or seen hope? We liken the situation to finding a single Waldo in a swarm of people who all look slightly like Waldo. But none ARE Waldo.

    We are, at this point, 47 days into our 2 new Antidepressants, 21 days into our Antipsychotic and no change other than we sleep an added 1 to 2 hours a night. We are grateful for that. Our meds are increased every 2 weeks. I, since none of the other want to attend at this time, do video chat with at least 3 Doctors every week. The all tell me that hope will help us in this wait and see pattern we currently find ourselves stuck within.

    We believe that everything in our universe has a counter balance. Night has Day. These are concrete, provable, repeatable facts available to establish what distinguishes Night from Day. Where "Hope" along with, it's 1st cousins the other emotions and "feeling" are all abstract concepts not grounded by facts.

    What reference points does one use when trying to describe abstract concept of "hope" to one who has never seen or experienced it in their lifetime. How would you describe colours to a person who has never seen them? We have as little insight into what "hope" or any of the "emotions" are, at this point. What is this thing called "Hope" and where do we find it?

    #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #Childhoodneglect #DomesticAbuse #DID #raynauds #Fibromyalgia #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #RheumatoidArthritis #DegenerativeDiscDisease #Hypertension #Trichiasis #irritableboweldisease #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AnxietyDisorders #PanicAttacks #Agoraphobia #Insomnia #Rosacea #Claustrophobia #heartmurmur #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Allergies #Dyslexia #OCD #Trichotillomania #cleithrophobia , #IntrusiveThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #haphephobia #EatingDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SocialPhobia #Acrophobia #Psychosis #DissociativeDisorder #audiohallucinations #visualhallucinations #intervert #raynauds

    Post

    Childhood neglect #Abuse #Childhoodneglect #neglect

    Today, I realized that I was neglected emotionally, physically, and medically as a child. It was subtle. Sometimes they’d do the bare minimum as parents, and other times they’d let us drink like crazy and stay out way later than my peers. My house was a mess and somehow it was only my fault. Mom, Dad, I was 15. I shouldn’t have had the whole weight of the household on my shoulders. I shouldn’t have been told “you’re a better homemaker than your mother.” I should have had a chore list yes, but I shouldn’t have been handed a house that looked and smelled disastrous and told “you clean it up.” I didn’t even know where to start. I should have had parents who cared about where I was at midnight on a Saturday at 13 years old. I should have had structure. You should have taken me to the dentist before my tooth broke and I was in so much agony I couldn’t eat or sleep. You should have taken me to therapy despite how much it cost. There were options, but you didn’t care to look. Now, you blame ME for my brothers mental issues because apparently I was a mean child. Where did I learn that? Who stopped me? Why am I being blamed for this? Was I born evil? Why didn’t you take care of me like you were supposed to? Why, when I told you I was suicidal, did you tell me “well, if I had told my mom that, she would have locked me up.” I should have had clean clothes. I shouldn’t have been told things that adults were supposed to deal with. I should have been your child, and not just your friend. I love you, but I hate you. I need you around, but I don’t want you around. This is so confusing and painful. #Abuse #neglect #ChildhoodAbuse

    Post

    What is a mindful skill practice you have learned from therapy that has made the biggest impact on improving your mental state? #CPTSD #Depression

    Today was my second day of therapy for my complex PTSD. En route I was in tears, then left in smiles. As a neglected/abandoned child, it is hard thinking logical since most of my irrational thoughts are formulated from biased fears.

    One trait I need to work on is regulating my emotions. I will fixate, dwell, then spiral.

    Today, I imagined a box with a lock large enough to hold all my problems and triggers. Then I imagined a trigger/hurt discussed during the sessions and putting it in the box. I closed my eyes and just felt the emotions and thoughts leaving my mind and entering my box to be locked away.

    At home, when I am triggered, or sad, I am supposed to practice this. I honestly loved this practice.

    This skill set will prevent hyper focusing on pain/trigger which naturally leads me to spiraling down emotionally. Instead of an emotional outburst, I calmly place my feelings in the box locked, then unlock it in therapy and discuss my emotions in a proper healing way.

    I am very happy to have found this tool! As somebody who can spiral from strong emotions, this tool will help regulate my emotions, and deal with my issue in a safe way.

    I am excited for my journey on strengthunf my emotional health!

    I would love to know what has helped for others.

    Sending love, light, and positivity. You are loved. #Childhoodneglect #abandonment #FearOfAbandonment #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #lonely

    Question

    What is a mindful skill practice you have learned from therapy that has made the biggest impact on improving your mental state? #CPTSD #Depression

    Today was my second day of therapy for my complex PTSD. En route I was in tears, then left in smiles. As a neglected/abandoned child it is hard thinking logical since most of my irrational thoughts are formulated from biased fears.

    One trait I need to work on is regulating my emotions. I will fixate, dwell, then spiral.

    Today, I imagined a box with a lock that could hold all my problems and triggers. Then I imagined a trigger/hurt discussed in the session going into the box. I closed my eyes and just felt the emotions and thoughts going into my box. Then I locked it.

    At home, when I am triggered, or sad, I am supposed to practice this. I honestly loved it.

    This skill set will save me from focusing and dwelling on pain or a trigger. Instead I calmly place my feelings in the box locked and then unlock it in therapy and discuss my emotions in a proper healing way.

    I am very happy to have found this tool! As somebody who can spiral from strong emotions, this tool will help regulate and prevent emotional outbursts.

    I am excited for my journey on strengthing my emotional health!

    I would love to know what has helped for others.

    Sending positivity and love to all. #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Childhoodneglect #Abandoned #CPTSD #PTSD #traumasurvivor #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Depression

    Post
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    Terrific resource!

    I am nearly underlining every single line in this book!! What an amazing and informative read. I’ve only read chapter 1 and 5 but I seriously feel so validated!!! I have new words to put to my experiences like “Emotional Flashback” and “Toxic Shame.”

    I found this book as a response from some comments in The Mighty and, though I can’t recall who mentioned this book, I want you to know that I ordered it and I am SO GRATEFUL. It’s a terrific expository review of childhood neglect and emotional abuse. I cannot put the book down and I’ve already shared it with several friends and my two siblings. I just HAD to share it with The Mighty! 🥰💖🤩🤩🤩

    #CPTSD #BPD #MDD #SocialAnxiety #triggers #TraumaTriggers #Flashbacks #copingskills #Childhoodneglect #Agoraphobia #SocialPhobia #FailureToThrive #abandonment

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    Proud of myself

    Last night was a family event. Since I live with my in-laws, it was at the house where I live. I was very anxious because the “family” doesn’t treat me with much love or respect. But they don’t understand my illness and most likely, don’t believe me.

    But last night I sustained. I stayed in the group for dinner and then after dinner I went into my bedroom to knit and watch Inside-Out. Then they were still playing cards so I came back out and had some dessert and I actually needed up covering someone’s hand of cards who had to leave.

    ....and I SURVIVED!!

    There’s a lot to be said for Distress Tolerance and the joys of Xanax. 😏

    #BPD #MDD #CPTSD #Dbtskills #DistressTolerance #Fibromyaliga #Childhoodneglect

    Question

    How do you think I should do this?

    So my mother is bipolar or borderline. Her disorder is untreated. She is also an addict. She goes to a clinic for that.

    She was a terrible mother. She treated me terrible, lied all the time, stole from me, and did drugs in front of me (to name a few things).

    I moved in with my grandparents when I was 15. My relationship with my mother died.

    I'm 20 now. I've been a follower of Jesus since I was 14, and I know that this situation with my mother is holding me back. We met up some this last school year as my attempt to build some semblance of a relationship, but after she blew me off twice, I told her that I wouldn't meet with her anymore.

    I'm thinking I'm going to try again. Tonight I had a breakthrough, and I realize that I need to distance myself some and remember her sickness. She is mentally ill. It just is what it is.

    I need advice though. What are some boundaries I would have? What do I do when she blows me off or does something inappropriate? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Please share your story (as much as you feel comfortable).

    Thank you for reading this, guys. I look forward to any responses.

    #DaughterOfAnAddict #daughtersofnarcissisticmothers #Addiction #help #Advice #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Relationships #Reparations #ChildAbuse #Childhoodneglect #EmotionalNeglect #neglect

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    Cracks

    when she was a kid, she walked most places around town. She would tag along behind whatever sibling she was with at the time. She was the eighth of nine living children, so there was almost always someone. Sometimes she was alone. A game that passed the time on those hot sidewalks (always barefoot in the summer, she could run across gravel alleys by July & not even feel it) was the crack game. You know, the proverbial step on a crack in the sidewalk and break your mother’s back. Back in the 60’s, children still respected their https://parents.They were taught to respect all adults. A lesson she would not pass on to her own children. Respect those who respect YOU. Anyway, for her, just thinking a bad thought about her mother was a terrible thing. She worried others could somehow hear what she was thinking. She was so, so careful to avoid the cracks at all costs. Many of the neighborhood sidewalks were brick, making it even more challenging.
    She thinks ahead now to being a mom herself. Did her daughters ever avoid the cracks for her? Was she worthy? She tried to be the best parent she could. She learned from her own childhood the kind of parent she did NOT want to be. She would hug her children and tell them she loved them every day. She wanted hugs and ‘I love yous’ to come naturally in their lives. She would know where they were and protect them from evil.
    The hard part was teaching them bravery when she was terrified of almost everything. She would lead them to the largest slide in the park when they were just a couple of years old. She’d stand behind them at the base of the ladder as they went up, then catch them at the bottom as they slid down. At amusement parks, she would tell them, ‘Oh, you’re almost tall enough to ride the roller coaster.’ They got so excited and looked forward to the day they reached the red line with their tiny heads and were able to finally ride. She would watch from the ground, waving and snapping photos. Her daughters have a little fears now. They ride the biggest rides, fly on airplanes like it’s no big deal, one even went skydiving. Did they step over cracks for her? Please God.
    #CPTSD
    #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder
    #Depression
    #Insomnia
    #Selfharm
    #SuicideAttemptSurvivors
    #incestsurvivor
    #Childhoodneglect
    #RapeSurvivors
    #phobias