This Is Me

I realized I hadn’t updated my “medical conditions” list on my medical ID bracelet site in awhile. I realized after looking over my list that most of my conditions are “invisible”, except for my knee problem that I wear a knee brace for and sometimes use a cane. So often, I feel overwhelmed by the number of conditions I live with (Am I a “bad seed”?) and the physical and emotional pain that they cause; even the ones that have been “repaired” have come with lingering pain from scarring, incomplete cure or subsequent Dx. I’m thankful for my caring husband and a few really close friends who understand to a point. But even they get tired of my need to share my emotions about what I’m going through. I’m thankful for this group who gets what I mean and can give support without judgment or weariness.
I’m no longer able to work fulltime; I used to be an educator in various special education programs as well as in schools.
I try to help others who have conditions like mine as well, so I’m not just a “taker”.
Here is my list. Dates indicate either diagnosis date or surgery date.

Right inner ear imbalance 1998
Narcolepsy 1999, 2021
Allergies - plants, animals, foods and meds
Asthma
Hypothyroid
Sliding hiatal hernia 2011
Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction Type 3 2007 - result of gallbladder removal 2005
Diabetes Type 2 1996
GERD 2005
Mild/moderate disc degeneration neck & low back and mild spinal stenosis
Slip & fall back injury 10/15- MRI Nov 2017 SI joint injury
Fibromyalgia - 1995
Sleep apnea 2019
History of ruptured ovarian cysts 2006 -
Recurrent tingling/"electrical shocks" all over body 2007 - diagnosed as Small Fiber Polyneuropathy 2020
Scoliosis (curved and twisted)
Right knee cartilage deterioration (injured 1979 & 1986) - diagnosed permanently dislocated kneecap 2019
Arthritis - neck, hips, knees, hands
Carpal Tunnel syndrome - 2019
Bursitis - left hip 2017
Recurrent "tennis elbow"
Plantar fasciitis and tendonitis both feet - custom orthotics 1991
Fatty liver
Cardiac "regurgitation"
Major Depression,
Anxiety, C-PTSD, possible BPD
Multiple concussions (5)
Multiple whiplash injuries
Vaginal Hysterectomy with Rectocele and Cystocele repairs - 2018 - Urinary incontinence
Frequent Migraines

#Multiplediagnoses
#ChronicPain #MentalIllness

#SuicidalIdeation
#Trauma
#SexualAbuse #SexualAssault
#ChronicIllness
#PostconcussionSyndrome #SmallFiberPolyNeuropathy
#InvisibleIllness
#Vertigo
#Migraine

One of my best friends dropped me a few months back, when I needed her the most, her youngest and my youngest daughter are best friends as well. She says " you are to much for me right now, ..."
I ask her 2 months ago if her daughter could come over to play " no I dont trust your environment, but izzy is more than welcome here"... fast forward to today" can G come over to play today at your house"
We literally haven't spoken.... like not even once ...... so her daughter is here.
I so desperately want to go back to pretending that everything was grand. Back to " normal "... but I know I wasn't ok. I know it wasn't healthy. I know I wasn't happy. So I have here over.... I feel so confused.
I need to separate myself for these feelings. I want izzy to have her friends it doesn't me that I have to like the parents lol.
Do you ever miss the before you??? The before yoy before the diagnosis?? It feel like a different life.
A different person.
How come I feel "worse" and have more lows and distinct highs now AFTER my diagnosis.?? Is it because I'm more aware now???
Does this get better.??
#whoami #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #thoughtoftheday #ThisIsMe #mybrainismush #mother #Diagnosis