Autopilot

Im hitting a wall!!! I wake up go to work and come home day after day after day my life has no meaning anymore. The government says we cant do anything cant eat out or see friends or travel your own country. Makes me feel more depressed...
Somedays i dont even remember going to sleep. When im at work i feel like i just wanna end it all jump off roof or cut my arm off and bleed out I can see myself doing before I want to do it I don't know what is going on any more... I just wanna scream for help.

My fear of abandonment comes from being left by a lot of men in my life. It’s created a lot insecurities for me that I now am getting help for, but I still struggle with this very often. In hindsight, I think this one guy was my favorite person for a time, but recently he has disappeared again. And I am genuinely confused. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad that he’s gone. I don’t know whether to hat him for abandoning me or be happy that I don’t have to deal with the inconsistency. I want to cry, but I feel like I shouldn’t. I’ve talk to God about him many times, mostly in tears. Going from cursing him for hurting me and backtracking and asking God to watch over him. Why? Why do I have this piece of me that wants to make sure he is ok even thought I’ve hated him? I don’t know if I’ve gone numb emotionally or I’ve just accepted it as is. I know he did care, but there are times that I felt like he didn’t. We have mutual friends and he follows me on social media where he is almost always the first person to look and or like whatever I post. I think I’m on autopilot today, and I don’t want to feel anything. The world doesn’t feel real either. With all honesty, I just don’t feel safe. This is why I give up on having relationships because the other person always leave for something or someone else. I don’t normally ask for help, love, or support, but I really need it right now. I can truly say that right now I’m very vulnerable and I have no choice but to sit in it. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FavoritePerson #FearOfAbandonment #Autopilot

I think the hardest part about #Anxiety , #Depression , #PanicDisorder, any mental health issue really... Is that the world don't stop.

The world doesn't care that you're having a hard time. The world doesn't care that you have a giant ball of misunderstood #Rage burning in your soul, that you can't always "get over", or "let go" or "grow out of".

The world doesn't care that you are #exhausted from being up all night biting the skin off your fingers where nails used to be, up crying into your pillow all night because you can't seem to be the person you want to be or even be "#normal " for one day. The world don't care if you've slept or not.

The world doesn't care that your body feels like it's shutting down because your never ending anxiety has all your muscles so tense all the time that you just feel like a #Demon is literally sitting on your shoulders, that you can physically feel the weight of your demons dragging you down.

The world doesn't care if you are having a panic attack right before you go into work, and that you feel like you're about to die, ("oh but for real this time, this time it's different I really think I'm going to #Die ).

The world doesn't care that your arms and legs are going #numb and your vision is #blurry and you're starting to see in #tunnelvision , the world won't stop. The world doesn't care that your anxiety is so bad that you just feel like everything is going around you and you are on #Autopilot from having to do things you don't want to do so much day in and day out day, and you question, is this even real?

The world don't care that you can't focus on anything because you have a million things running through your mind. "Quit living in the past" the world will say. "You are being over dramatic" the world will say. "It's all in your head!" The world will say.

No shit.

But oh, they must have never been #Cursed by a past that molded your future, in this #Reality , in this world, that will not stop.

I know that feeling all too well. Where you just wish the whole world would stop, just for one minute so you can gather your thoughts, #Breathe , and remind yourself that it's okay.

I know how it feels, I #struggle every day, and I know that this feeling will probably never completely go away, and I know that the world will never stop, but I have high hopes that one day I can atleast keep up.

You know when you’re not holding on anymore but you haven’t finished falling yet so you’re just in the middle free falling..
yeah that’s been me for the last year.

Scratching and clawing at the air around me desperate for something to hang on to.
Desperate for something to give me that bit of breathe you take when you come up for air when you swim.
Desperate for that warm feeling, that there’s life inside my soul.
Desperate for that spark, that feeling of love again.

I don’t know when it will come. I can’t even remember the tiny glimpses I have had because it’s got so lost in the constant never ending drama that is my life.
I thought they said things come in three’s?
For me it never stops. Every incident or travesty just rolls into the next one.

I keep pushing forward through my day to day life like someone’s hit a button and pushed me into automatic. I’m on complete auto-pilot.
People keep telling me how strong I must be for keep getting up and keep on keeping on, but I don’t feel strong, I feel weaker then ever because Im the only one who knows I’m not in control anymore.

#Lossofcontrol #Autopilot #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Weak #ObsessiveCompulsiveandRelatedDisorders #ADHD