guilt

Wow! What a season. I have been very very busy as I started two part-time jobs. I was diagnosed with two—of five—pre-cancerous polyps in my colon. I need surgery on my leg. I have an appointment to remove a large cyst from my hand. And my car died.

What do I do with all of this?

This morning, I sat still before our Savior. We discussed the day as I asked for His wisdom. By 11:30AM my work was done, errands run, car repaired, and I even got to do some artwork by the end of this day. Tomorrow is in the morrow, and yesterday is yester year’s history. As Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).

This song just started playing as I painted. Before I knew it, my tears were flowing. Do I long to leave this earth? I do. But it is not from sadness or depressed feelings. Instead, it is because I simply long to see our Heavenly Father in His presence where expression is expressed without chords or language. I can be speechless whilst communicating volumes. Our eyes meeting will say it all.

Here’s the song: MercyMe “Finally Home.” May you enjoy His presence.

youtu.be/rlxFee1mRtE

Today my schedule is open, like, this is NOT the norm. However, I woke with a drive to GET GOING! So, whilst half asleep, I started the chore of making myself ready to make something happen! But as I briefly sat to fashion myself, I had a thought telling me to take seven deep breaths.

Upon the completion of this slowing down instruction, I returned to my room, sat still, and told the Lord, “I am actually tired, really tired.” #honesty to God and self can move mountains. I therefore returned to bed and started reading and studying a wonderful Bible verse. Once that was complete, I viewed my weather app: 90 degrees heat wave. Mind you, I was heading outdoors to work in an open field.

Did the Lord part a sea for me, this morning? Did the Lord protect his child from the heat today? Did the Lord intervene by stopping me from making myself habitually busy? Did the Lord let me know that this day is reserved for me to enjoy his divinely gifted day off? So I say, #Depression #Anxiety and #Guilt , you can leave, for #busyness can take a backseat—until tomorrow—because this day is reserved for stillness by my Heavenly Father!

Yes, to you, #TheMighty #Christian , we can be #christ like and sleep on a wind-blown and tossed about boat, especially in the midst of the storm(s) called #Life . How? Well, we can take heed to obey Jesus’s words inviting us to “abide in Him” and “follow Me.” And that I will do!

Today’s Agenda:
I am heading to the back of the boat because it is time for me to take a nap!

#rest IS #stregnth !😁
#peace not #PTSD !

#party ….nope
#Guest ….nope
#dressup ….nope
#Orders ….nope
#drive ….nope
#Directions ….nope
#Late #home ….nope
—————————-
#rest ….YUP
#relax ….YUP
#Fun at #home …YUP
#Stayed inside….YUP
#Loved the day….YUP
——————————
#Reality ….Fabulous #mentally #Healthy #Birthday without any
#Anxiety #PTSD #CPTSD #Depression #FinancialPain #worries #Guilt #Stress

I lost my father. Then I had to give up my job. I was humiliated and sidelined and the organization I worked for was indeed doing little value addition. Then my wife decided to leave me. We separated. In the process I also lost a beautiful house built on the hills with so much passion, hope and dreams together. I lost the entire eco system - literal and social. Later I lost both my dogs too. They were intensely soulful creatures who grew with us and so central in our relationship. But i bear no ill will towards my ex - just shame and guilt that I couldn’t take good care of her and couldn’t afford much meaning to her. Last year i lost my mother. Not that we were very close and we got along too well but still my long visits to her home located in rich sylvan surroundings and warm caretakers was lost too. Most of friends and acquaintances disappeared as well. Kins were too self opinionated and who constantly invalidated my grief and indeed always belittled my ‘being’ for long even before my life took the turn for the worse. Except for an old uncle of mine i don’t feel like seeking out an extended family psychologically illiterate and shorn of aesthetic and cultural capital and too caught in their self righteousness.

Acute uprootedness, loneliness, emotional exhaustion hollows and wrings you out. That i’m much late in my adulthood and almost going to be an ‘elder’ makes matters more shameful. I live alone (have no siblings either let alone kids) with my new daschund just doing what little needed to keep me going - cooking, gardening, reading and blogging. I manage to do some art work too. Medicines seem to wearing off in its effect to keep me sane and counseling too over so many years barely of little help anymore.

The overwhelming failures and setbacks all my life and so repeated despite being well qualified, well read, and contributed so much to my work domain (again all painfully unrecognised) affects me to the extent that suicidal thoughts are always at the top of my mind. The misery, dismay, shock of how horribly matters have gone wrong, having been cheated by people, circumstances and I dare say by Gods themselves surges and spikes in waves choking you, reducing you to complete tears and feeling crushed. i’m completely invisible and destitute today and making each day is a painful and exhausting struggle. It’s bad faith that still prevents me doing the inevitable. #SuicidalIdeation #Loneliness #Shame #Guilt #miseryofliving #Grief

I’ll have #Gooddays & I’ll have bad, though I’m still constantly struggling with my #innerself daily. There are a lot of things I know I have to do, but either my #Anxiety gets worked up, or I’ll try to get it done, or I tell and/or give myself reminders & still somehow end up forgetting about it or I’ve become distracted.

I’ve noticed that my train of thought can now go all over the place. Which is why I now have a lot of notebooks that I could use if I needed to let it out.

When it comes to phone calls I need to make, or appointments to schedule… I spend hours worrying about the #Start - #during - & #End of the whole thing. Before I know it, I can’t call because they’re now closed. Of course now I’ve become #Irritated & #angry at myself.

It never used to be this hard. I know I need to find a job, even IF the job I had #terminated me in part of my #MentalIllness . I feel stuck with no #Positivity in site. & It doesn’t help that even with or without my anxiety ramping up, my #Pride will not let me ask for help.

But…
•I give myself a ‘thumbs up’ daily for getting out of bed.
• I cheer when I have motivation to shower.
• I pat myself on the back, in my mind of course… when I do laundry & put them away.

I still struggle with driving anywhere if I’m alone. Hunter, who is my furbaby soulmate, but also my #esa is always by my side, & either one of my sons or sometimes both would join me so I’m not freaking out while driving on the road.

I feel #Guilt that I’m not being the mom that they need me to be. I feel bad every single time I ask them for help (when I’m getting #overwhelmed trying to tidy up the house). I am mad that my #breakdown caused me to fail in my performance at work & that I #Struggled to do the things they asked of me (because I was never informed from the start that there was info that they could show me & help me with #FMLA ‘cause it would’ve been easy back then to get things in order than it was a couple of months ago). I felt #invisible . I felt my #Voice didn’t matter. I tried… all by myself… in the end, the company I loved working at didn’t give a … about me.

I’m sorry for ranting about nonsense. :(

From my neck of the woods, I say happy Sunday evening! I hope our week will carry us to greater depths of the knowledge of God. May he allow us to focus on our “daily bread,” or our daily nutritional substance, and not attempt to figure out the following day’s needs.

This day started with me petitioning God for wisdom concerning a friend’s health. Hours later, I learned the person left this earth hours before my request was made known to our Lord. I am content. He knows all things. Healing does not require my stamp of approval from a learned societal (earthly) throne room position.

A surrendered life allows the Lord to be Lord, in all things.

Even if understanding is limited and out of reach, God is faithful to hear those petitions for wisdom as well. He is interested in us trusting him with our naked shame, which we often believe we must cover ourselves from BEFORE walking with the Father. Not so. That is a result of “the fall” that drops us from the closeness of our relational Creator, The Lord God Almighty.❤️

I cannot hide this longing that grows
In this temple of silence and stars

But a thief in the night stole in and broke; Every chain that had bound up my heart

I cannot cling to shadows again
So here on this altar tonight
I lay every dream I've ever dreamt
To burn in the fire He lights

I cry the Name of the One who loves me; The Name of the One on whom I call; 'Til it roars like thunder
Rolling down these canyon walls

I cry the Name of the One who loves me; The Name of the One on whom I call; 'Til it roars like thunder
Rolling down these canyon walls

Every breath I've ever breathed
Was sent as a gift from on high
And with all that is left of all that is me; Up to the Heavens I cry

The Name of the One who loves me
The Name of the One on whom I call
'Til it roars like thunder; Rolling down these canyon walls

I cry the Name of the One who loves me; The Name of the One on whom I call; 'Til it roars like thunder; Rolling down these canyon walls

The Name of the One who loves me
Name of the One on whom I call
'Til it roars like thunder; Rolling down these canyon walls

I cry the Name of the One who loves me; The Name of the One on whom I call; Down these canyon walls

I cry out Your name
I cry Your name out
'Til it roars like thunder; Rolling down these canyon walls

The Name of the One on whom I call
'Til it roars like thunder; Rolling down these canyon walls
Down these canyon walls

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters:
David Strasser / Richard Mullins
Cry The Name lyrics © Capitol CMG Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group

#youtube Video:
youtu.be/5S8Ar7atNo8