insecurity

Hi...I kind of feel safe here so I'm posting it with a heavy heart..
I'm not feeling ok..
I had a fight with my boyfriend 😞
He was just telling me he helped her female batchmate in understanding some academic topics...(we r in long distance relationship)...and I panicked!
I shouted and... got anxious 😰

I didn't mean to do it,it just happened

I'm sad...

I'm so so so so so insecure and scared of losing him
I'm so afraid of it
I'm not feeling gud
It's so hard to deal with the fear of losing him... specially when we r not in a same city.

He said why u reacting like this...
They r just batchmates nothing else...not important than u etc etc but my anxiety is not going down..

I'm just hurting myself
Feeling so so helpless.

😞😞😞

#Selfharm #Anxiety #insecurity
#helpless

I hear the echo
of millions of voices not mine

am I too much

a slow giant whale is moving on our heads

deep blue sorrow dripping from her sides

she dips her head into the vast silence of the sea

calm

alone

she has no hurry and, deep down, beside her heart, lies a smiling face/ eyes enclosed, a pounding heart

the front exposed and covered with water

I am, though, still hurting

A voice inside me is posing me questions

what’s left is fear - she says

the dark blue sorrow sticks a hug around my heart and to the lungs

/ so petty

she holds it in her hand / such familiar feeling

why so resentful
and the tone, look more aloof than before

my mind has gently tip toed on a green blue garden

welcome back, a woman sais

here is where the details count

am I too much / or are you too much to your own self

so attentive, so silent, so slow / her eyes are with me
and so we speak

her hand in her pocket, she lets a little bird out
and so the wind is within me
and so I speak

I fear

my heart not ready
has never been

although he knows.

a silent whale is too big

me, instead - some sort of mute trustful being

the never-ending smile within me
a source of light

there’s peace inside you
/ and I’m not the one to follow

I fear

you’re all so vast, so tremendously precious

let the bird know the heights of his wings
singing his life with his blithe tune
I’m the pocket, I wonder the hands.

if I’m too much, I fear

not mine the hands
/ who has the courage
to hold you, so secure to let you out
I fear
I hope I’m not holding you back
/ it’d be so hurtful
my heart who knows who fears who waits and is so afraid, too much to compress; implode.
a tiny bubble of dripping hurting painful sorrow

-the claws in my chest-

don’t want to hear

#Writing #Poetry #insecurity #Fear #trigger

I'll start with an example. I have a friend who, sometimes, tends to ghost me when we were planning to go out and reappears again when it's late to meet, because for our schedules we can't.

There are people who tells me to just tell her that this behaviour isn't too nice, but I don't. She just comes back saying she's sorry, she did something else and ended up not being free to go out with me.

The point is that, to me, it's okay.

I don't see it as remissive, because we have known each other for a very long time and, even though we aren't the first person we go to when we're facing some hardships, we know that, for each other, we stay.

I often tell her that I'm not going to change my mind about her just because she disappears. (Because I don't. I still love her the same).

Also, true is I do have my flaws(?) too, as sometimes it can take me ages to reply to messages, when we don't see each other for long periods of time and are apart. She still considers me a friend and I do too with her because, after all that's happened - even if at some point I did wonder if it wasn't just out of convenience (now I feel it isn't) - we stayed.

But a few days ago a thought occured. The circumstance was similar and a part of me was feeling like "oh, yeah, here it goes again. I have an opinion and wanted to go out, but I just say - no problem, it's okay, we can meet another time :) - being reassuring, because it truly is okay and I don't want the other person to feel guilty. These are not real hardships, just details and as long as we have time we surely can meet in another moment, though the feeling in me is battling from - it's okay - to - just make it be okay".

And then I thought: "Hey. What are you even thinking about? Why you dare feeling this way? You have someone who may eventually go out with you and who you can go out with. There's someone - and someone you treasure and someone who cares for you. That's more that you've ever had and thought you could have had. Why are you even trying to feel dissatisfied? Just be humble, bro, and take what the opportunity you have been given brings you".

It actually made my mind and heart agree - it's okay and I'm happy and satisfied with it and we can do it as you'd like to - but I'm not sure whether my whole approach is positive.

"If you decide all is well" -

It sounds remissive. And people who knows me know that I tend to be something that resemble submissiveness.

"Oh, I don't really care, you can decide for both, to me anything is okay" along with a smile that I try to make clearly reassuring.

But I act like this because I truly feel it. To me it's okay.

I don't bother about the details; I can go along with almost everything and will say it, idealistically, if something doesn't fit me. I don't want to impose my choice when I don't really care about it. I do care about the fact that we're here, together, doing something, but if I choose what to do, what to talk about, what to listen to, what to eat, where to go, when and how to do it I feel bad. My mind is suddenly filled with insecurity, and an uncomfortable feeling, which eventually triggers a loop of "they're asking you to take a position, you don't want to, you're pushing them to take a position for both, you're bad because you're letting them choose for both and maybe they don't want to, maybe it weights on them, you're being submissive, you're being a burden, you should take position, I've become silent, I feel insecure and whatever I do and say is a reason to attack myself so it's better if I keep myself quiet, but this actually worsen the situation, so I should take position or at least act like always, take myself out of it and hide the insecurity I'm made of right now, a choice is just a choice, they can speak if they're not for it, I hope they'll do it and won't go along with my choice if they don't like it, just because they're making an effort for me. so I just make sure they're aware they do have to speak sincerely. Or else my inner self is going to rip off". And it makes me feel so guilty, extra, bothersome, burdensome that I do really wanna avoid it, also because often it triggers deeper crisis.

So I'm trying to understand this feeling better (I already have my interpretations and they're quite evident) and trying to lessen the negative effect it has on me.

But I do really care - and a lot - about other people not feeling guilty or as they're imposing themselves when I know they're not the type (I'm not speaking of 'anyone' - I should define better where the border lays, so here's another task) or simply when I know how feelings like these can weight. After all, aren't them just all mere choices about details, when what matters is where they feature, what they're part of, where they manifest themselves and, since to me almost anything is okay, why should I make a fuss out of other people's behaviours or choices, preferences (when they're not harmful) when they respect me and show they care for me and I feel respected and cared for.

So to me anything is okay. But don't make me take the choice.

So - I'm just thinking.

(Thank you if you have read til here 😊)

🌚

#submissive #remissive #Burden #Choice #insecurity

Y'all, I want to understand High functioning Depression so that I can understand my friend better. I do wish she would try to understand my inability to function at the level she can. She doesn't get it at all and tends to seem judgemental towards me. However, my perception may be off, since she is very high-strung and boisterous in the way she communicates.

In the meantime I have been depressed for more than 9 months. During that time, it's all I could do was just get out of bed. Almost everything came to a halt ...personal hygiene, cleaning my apartment, talking to family members, etc..all out the window. Now, my mood has lifted but I still struggle with daily tasks. I have no motivation. My friend tells me she just does it anyway. Sigh...I would love for it to be that way for me. I know her struggle is real..
Just different from mine..but the low mood, not wanting to eat, tiredness, and anxiety are what we share. #Depression #Anxiety

I try my best to understand how she.manages to get everything that needs doing done. It's hard. But I keep reminding myself, she is struggling too and that she's not any better than me.

Can any of you share your insight, experiences etc? Thank you in advance.
#Depression #Anxiety #insecurity #Friendship #Understanding

Hi guys - I’ve got something weighing down my heart this evening. Now this weight is nothing new, at all. It’s something that has burdened me since my teens and into adulthood. My rational mind knows better and always has, but. I am so unbelievably threatened when my partners engage with an attractive member of the opposite sex(I am hetero/monogamous). The only sense I can make of these obsessive and compulsive thoughts is my BPD and trauma, but even acknowledging that doesn’t ease the pain. I can remind myself that I as anybody finds other people attractive aside from my partner - this is natural. It’s not even that I don’t trust my partner, I do with all of my heart. I don’t know what it is. The thought of her liking a photo or commenting on socials(I don’t use any form of, which helps considerably) or tells me a story of her day in which she runs into somebody that was cute or which I perceive as flirtatious - sends my nervous system into a state of hell. I don’t get angry with her, or I try not to. I try to approach it with curiosity and openness, trying to understand how normal people remain at peace without devaluing themselves through these comparative threats which we create in our minds.

Does anybody have an tips or tricks on how to self regulate, assure and give into radical acceptance? Thank you in advance, we survived Monday guys.

With love and care,
Lucas B.

#Jealousy #insecurity #abandonment #BPD #Borderline #borderlinepersonality #TheMighty #Relationships #Anxiety