Rage

When I first experienced this, it came out of no where a year after I was assaulted. It was like a volcano erupted. I was really scared of it, didn’t know what to do, and felt like I needed to get help fast. I was still running from and experiencing vivid flashbacks, dissociation, etc. I went to see a new counselor about help with the rage, but I was so LOST at the time and counselors want you to start by filling out paperwork and talking about why you came. I was triggered by all of it. I couldn’t find any answers on WHY I felt rage, & why a year later? I had no idea how to cope with it as I was always a laid back/chill person. I felt like it was me against the world. Everyone was a threat to me. People who were rude at the grocery store, anyone running their mouth at me, and whoever DARED threaten me, their lives were about to be in grave danger if they didn’t RUN. I can be triggered so severely by a direct verbal threat, that I immediately prepare to eliminate that threat and that’s ALL I see/know. I have suffered at the hands of many who had all the control where I had none.

I was able to get some answers about where the rage even came from bc I didn’t understand it. Janina Fisher’s book on Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, and her newest workbook Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma …. Janina is an EXPERT on trauma, you know it just listening to how she explains origins of symptoms that transform into lifelong suffering. There were a lot of things I never understood about myself, so reading her books and watching her YouTube videos really helped me when I had NO ONE to talk to who understood.

Rage is …. An understandable and NORMAL reaction to a traumatic situation you faced where someone hurt you, targeted you …. on purpose. That person made you feel fear, uncertainty about your future, threatened you in some way….. and if you have experienced this repeatedly in childhood and in several instances in adulthood like I have, rage may be something you struggle with to control. Sometimes you can’t and the other person who threatened you really doesn’t realize just how close they came to being in a life-threatening situation. A few times I was SECONDS away from going after someone who provoked, threatened, or wanted to see how much they could “push” before I lost my damn mind. I know what it’s like, and long after the emotions/adrenaline/and shakiness calm down and you FINALLY are able to THINK straight again …. You realize that you were about to really hurt someone and what the costs of that might have been. How close you came. It’s like you were a different person, and now you’re thinking this is some 911 shit. Like, I need help NOW or I’m really going to take someone out. This is not like me, I don’t like it, it scares me (when I can think straight), & I have this URGENT need to get RID of it NOW. I wish it was that easy.

I wonder - how many people have felt this same way? I don’t trust ANYone, don’t talk to people, don’t have a counselor, dont like groups ….. so I really don’t know if anyone has felt the same. #Rage #Fear #Trust #Anxiety #Grief #tsunami depression

I do, it’s impossible to miss. I’ve been with this woman for 33 years, I know more about her than she knows about her.

It’s that damn look she gets, the one where I’ve hurt her badly. Or that damn chuckle that reminds me of someone who unleashed holy hell on her, I and our sons. Or when she loses control in response to my rage episode no one saw coming, she is human for God’s sake.

But it’s the one when in her still beautiful blue eyes that I know I’m on the very edge of going to far, that look of utter frozen fear. She knows I’m not going to hurt her physically, unless she tosses the first punch-something that does not happen anymore thankfully and hasnt in a decade. She knows I will go to extremes to prevent that level of violence, that I use extremes in my rage to terrify my victims into submission. All bark no bite they call it.

And none of that changes there are times she gets so afraid of the only man she’s ever loved, the father of her most prized possessions, our sons. It’s either I cannot imagine the anguish which creates that look or i recognize it so much I’m instantly broken in my sorrow for the only person who’s ever “taken it” and not ran away I’m destroying.

She deserves so much better….

#Rage
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

As I suffer from BPD, I obviously often have major rage outburst(and anger in general), not the ones where I get physically violent but I have a way with words, Obviously after episode is done, I have completely forgot all the terrible things I have said to my loved one and just feel guilty and ashamed..

Ive read some small articles how you should find things that would calm you down, like watching a movie, painting or going for a walk. Since I do all these things on regular basis, it doesn't work for me as way to instantly calm myself and get grounded.

So I started to think about my teenage years and what usually calmed me down back then and I realized its music!!

I do already regular listen to music, so that means my usual playlist is no good.

So I decided to try DEATH METAL, and you know what?! So far it helps! Every time I get angry, I just listen to that, cause someone else is doing all the screaming and banging and weird noises and it calms me down.

So my advice: If you feel like raging, turn on some death metal and let someone else rage in your headphones instead of you to a loved one!

#BPD #trigger #Rage #deathmetal

I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

I'm not sure how to begin. This is the worst time of year (Thanksgiving until February) and struggle the most with my demons (friends/family deaths, suicide anniversaries, birthdays of deceased family, shortened daylight to name the top ones). Last year around the same time, I noticed I started yelling and lashing out more, a lot more and more severe. Then the dogs started hiding from me. Then noticed I was breaking things and destroying relationships. Then my neighbors started asking questions. Then I called the doctors.

Not sure what to do next. This all seemed to sneak up on me. Not sure if being quarantined or the seclusion or disruption in working remote now and hardly leaving the house, if its the holidays in general. The psychiatrist added Lamotrigine and recently increased the dosage to 200 x2 daily), so hopefully that helps. I've tried so many anti-depressants (most had horrible side effects for me), bupropion has worked the best/ longest but I am already at the highest dose.

I am so tired of trying to repair relationships, fix something I broke, coax the dogs back to the same room as me; I'm just so tired of living this way. I am tired of being angry and raging.

And yes, I know the reference used in the title.

#anger #Depression #Anxiety #Rage #

#Anxiety #Selfharm #suicidal #done #Depression #Cutting #Dope #Drugs #pivitolpictures #Rage #MentalHealth #coping

I think we see pictures in our minds that make us accept where we are at and make it so that we do not do further damage.The Mentally Healthy are different, they keep their head up in bad seas and position themselves for the the waves to come. They foresee when a life event is shaping up to be something that can negatively impact their world. Then they use their intuition and lessons from a lifetime of lessons from infancy and personal experience to guard and protect their minds.

We don't do that. The situation hits us and we don't know what to do. So flight fight kicks in and here we go on a ride that won't end well.

We drop our heads and look at our feet and react from that defeated place. Eventually we calm down and move on, but I don't want it to last so long. I don't like losing my mind over something I have no control over.

I for one, don't have a picture of how I can be both in bad seas and have my head up planning a way out, so I am reaching out.

I know that a lot of us practice self harm to cope. At some point there is a picture that you are able to accept that lets you accept your lot in this life, mutilated body parts actively bleeding and all. Thats real life for some of us and I think there is a picture that comes up at the end of an episode that lets them move on.

You don't have to be as messed up as we are to weigh in. If you get it, show us the way of early catastrophe management.

I don't think that this turning point picture I am imagining makes one happy or anything like that, but it's a picture that is enough that we don't make things worse.

If I don't have a picture then I feel very exposed, unprotected, weak, and hide all that behind explosive anger. Righteous, but unbound. I regret my last episode. It was pure RAGE and while it was justified, it was not smart & I hate that feeling. Life got me, I just flew off the handle. Smart people don't do that. Mentally healthy people react in a way that suits the situation without making things worse. I want that and, as of today, I think it starts with the picture.

I want options. In this last event I saw what i have seen for years, a blank canvas. I am scared and don't know where to go with that so I came out swinging. Well, life swings back and I am not the best fighter if I am being totally honest. So here I type, literally searching the minds of the web for insight to create this picture my mind is seemingly incapable of making to date.

You can not show this shit to FaceBook - So here I am asking my fellow MENTAL HEALTH patients for a word picture or an image of what you see when you are in a bad way and your mind finally comes through for you.

Thanks.

PS - I would love if it if you read this and did not know what picture helped you transition from the bad space to the next level up. It's there for at least some of us so share your story of you have to go back there and figure it out. Even if it takes weeks it's worth the journey.

Just need to vent because every thing makes me so freaking angry!! Even the littlest things! I know it's my anxiety, but I literally can not take it!! It makes me furious and I want to break things and scream!!!

Example: I called my phsychiatrist this morning to reschedule an appt because it's a video visit and I don't like video visits. I like to go in person. They were rude as hell and are charging me $55 for rescheduling. Now I can't get in until October 31st! Hope I have enough meds until then!
I mean, really???!!!!! $55 f'ing dollars?!!!

I swear I'm so close to just saying F it and stop taking all these damn pills and be done with it all!!!

Just pisses me off to no end!! I can't take it!

Ok I'm done.....I guess. 🤬🤬🤬
#Anxiety #Depression #Rage #meds #PTSD #Doctors #anger #SuicideSurvivor #Overit

It’s been 22 years since I left the man who raped and abused me. I used to look him up yearly to make sure he wasn’t living too close to me. After more than a decade, I looked him up again. Probably because in trauma therapy recently I realized that the night he took my virginity it was actually #Rape . Completely unwanted and he knew it.

Once I saw him, rage filled me and I don’t know what to do with it. My regular therapist and trauma therapist are unavailable for two more weeks. I am beyond angry. But I’m having to stuff the rage down so I don’t go off on my family or hurt myself.

I’ve done one writing assignment. I’m have limited mobility due to pain and can’t exercise it off. Other ideas? TIA. 💕 #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #anger #Rage

A violent storm is brewing
A breeze runs through the trees
But it does not cool me
Thunder booms loudly
I cannot hear my thoughts clearly
A blot of lighting cracks across the sky
Dark vengeful clouds gather above me
Rain beings to fall
At first steadily
But it's coming down faster and harder
With every step I take
I need to find shelter
I am still so very far from home
Lost in the squall
Until it passes
And blue skies return

#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Rage #bipolarrage