selfmedicate

I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.

The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.

12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?

Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.

My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.

#power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor

When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

#Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

So, I've struggled a whole lot with self image and feelings of worthlessness and just all around negative self image. I know that we have all been through trauma.. however, I've been through a whole lot of it. A considerable amount more that most people I know. For the last year or two I've really been working on myself.. and am doing okay most days. But I still struggle so much... Even on the good days, so My anxiety has been through the roof for a couple weeks now. Today, I decided to message my mom which hasn't spoken to me in at least a year ( I just met her 17yrs ago). Have seen her 2 times since then as she is in Cali and I am in KY. I don't know what she expected, but for quite some time now I've been a wreck.. self destructive, toxic seeking, angry, self medicating and all the other scars left from years of childhood and adult trauma and neglect. So, I'm sure I didn't fit her idea of what it would be like.. anyway, I sent her this message on Facebook and I'm afraid that I didn't convey how hurt I am.. but, as soon as I pushed send... My anxiety was instantly gone.

I'm going to post the message I sent to her, I need input. And I know that you all don't know the background but, I'd appreciate any and all feedback. I just feel so alone in the world. Having been abandoned by both parents even as an adult is taking its toll on my self worth and mental health. I've never been shown how to love by being properly loved. Only neglect, sexual abuse, addicted parental figures, and suicides by the people that "loved" me. Definitely know what love isnt... Anyway, I'm sorry Im rambling. I have a hard time with communicating my feelings effectively, which bring me back to this message I sent to my mom. I had been wanting to send one but had decided to wait to see if she contacted me on my bday. Essentially giving her one more chance to break my heart again. Which she did without failure. Anyway, my bday was Monday.... Here's the letter I sent today. Thanks for listening. I appreciate you all.

ive been smoking weed everyday alongside my antipsychotics and depression meds
does any body else smoke ? im not sure if i do it for self medication or habit

#Bipolar #weed #Smoke #selfmedicate #PTSD