Treatment-Resistant Depression (TRD)

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Leaning on knowing my Resilience -Personal Example

Yesterday to this morning for me is another example of why I am so thankful every day that I took the University of Pennsylvania’s online course on learning and applying resilience skills, so grateful that I typed up every single word that was taught, and that I recently started this group to share this critical knowledge from the actual people that researched this.

U. of Penn’s definition of Resilience is not only the ability to bounce back from adversity, but also the ability to grow from challenges.

In this course, Dr. Karen Reivich focuses on the psychosocial aspects of resilience. The aspects of resilience that are determined by your psychology, and by your social relationships and interactions.

So, yesterday was one of the rare days within recent years that 1) my fatigue completely took hold of me, and 2) my brain’s sleepiness was to the point that most of my brain would not wake up - all day- and I could see myself not able to function practically at all.

It’s not like this was the first time this ever occurred, and it’s always a possibility, but it is still very hard to watch myself go through this and it is also very hard to wake up from the next morning—the kind of “slap in the face” reminder that oh yeah, I live with a chronic illness that can at times, and I will never know when, will have me almost completely disabled.

So, this morning I woke up with this “setback.” And I look at it like I was brought to a “fork in the road.” And now while yesterday’s adversity was not in my control, this morning, which I always work to look at as a fresh, new day full of good possibilities, it was actually now in my control as to which way I let myself go in my mind at this “fork in the road.”

Of course upon waking up, my mind started on autopilot and took me the wrong direction. Then, the moments that I made myself ready for, the clarity, the practice of never staying in autopilot and moving forward on purpose, with intention, with as much control as I can have and before it gets too hard to get the control back.

I turned my brain’s thinking around, I put my focus on the truths that were on my side- including but not limited to the fact that I Have Bounced Back From Much Worse Than This…;and I turned my mind away from dangerous cognitive distortions and right then and there pretty fast I would not let the negativity bring me downward.

Yesterday, I still had the mindful awareness to apply radical acceptance, non-judging, patience, trust, and just letting be with what is — for this one day -these are part of the 9 Attitudes of Mindfulness that I have begun to write posts about here for you. These all link together with the skills of resilience.

What you will learn too here, amongst other important things is that -it is when we start paying attention to our inner experience, that we rapidly discover that there are certain thoughts and feelings and situations that our mind seems to want to hold on to.

And amongst other what are called “resilience interventions” that I applied were these skills that I committed to in living with intention- what are called “protective factors” that I nurture every single day so they will be there for me when I need them most, when I have to dig deeper from a wider range of resources —

I learned the Critical Skill of Optimism —which gives us the attitude to continue to persist —and I learned how Optimism is the most important factor in resilience and in all of life - well-being and strong relationships;
I commit myself to living for clarified purposes that are bigger than myself, this is not limited to relationships, it is even better for our wellbeing to have an attachment to something larger than yourself which might also be to a mission, to a purpose, to an idea, something that you believe is critically important and worth fighting for (by the way, my personal mission is that all of you are worth fighting for);
I learned what my Personality/Character Strengths are and I learned how to leverage them;
I Developed Mental Agility;
I learned how to create a “buffer of positivity”, and what is called the “Broaden And Build” theory of positive emotions;
I learned how to take control of “thinking traps” by applying “cognitive strategies”…

All of these are what is so effective about the newest branch of psychology that I approach my life by to overcome all that I do overcome— where in addition to everything else, we build strengths supports.

Positivity Psychology, a somewhat newer term, describes a dual approach to mental health- where we build strengths supports, and healthy lifestyles, as well as treating illness and distress.

AlI of this is all what I will keep breaking down into chunks in most of my posts here to this group.
This takes some work first on my part - to keep breaking down the many variables- so bear with me.

#MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ChronicFatigue #ChronicIllness #Disability #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Depression #Anxiety #MoodDisorders #MotorDisorders #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AutismSpectrumDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #BipolarDisorder #Selfcare #ADHD #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #Cancers #Addiction #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #RheumatoidArthritis #SocialAnxiety #LearningDisabilities #CrohnsDisease #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #RecurringMDD #TreatmentresistantDepression #Mindfulness #MDD #TRDSupport #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #MultipleSclerosis #LymeDisease #MajorDepression #ClinicalDepression #MotivationMonday #resilience #Grief

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Medication #TreatmentresistantDepression #MDD #Anxiety #PTSD #EatingDisorder #si

I have been in a major depressive episode for months. I am treatment resistant. I have tried 33+ medications and combinations including the miracle drug ketamine and most recently Auvelity. I’ve had genetic testing to see what “should” work. I’ve had my hopes up too many times and have lost all hope.
I was also just diagnosed with SVT. They are still trying to figure if there are other heart issues.
I have a wonderful therapist. I just started seeing a new psychiatrist. She was surprised none of the “old” medications have been tried. She would like me to try lithium. I researched it, mostly on the Mayo site. Some major possible side effects. She also mentioned Geodon and Latuda - nasty side effects also listed. I know just because a side effect is listed doesn’t mean I will have it. The doctors all tell me there is always trial and error. I’m the one that has to deal with the possible side effects and dosage adjustments, not them. I’ve had enough experience with that.

Has anyone taken these medications? Would you recommend them?

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Heal Song by Tom Odell

I have had this song on repeat this week. I hope you listen to it free on YouTube or however, but a video with the lyrics is even more helpful.
I hope these lyrics with his voice on this particular song helps wash away some of your pain too.
Try consciously breathing in an out while you listen to his resounding lyrics:

Take my mind
And take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal, heal, heal

And take my past
And take my sins
Like an empty sail takes the wind
And heal, heal, heal, heal

And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last

And take a heart
And take a hand
Like an ocean takes the dirty sand
And heal, heal, heal, heal

And take my mind
And take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal, heal, heal

And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last

#Pain #Trauma #heal #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MajorDepression #ClinicalDepression #Fatigue #ChronicIllness #Disability #TRD #TreatmentresistantDepression #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #MoodDisorders #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #DepressiveDisorders #Grief #Songs #Lyrics #MentalHealth #MightyMusic #musictherapy #Music #BipolarDepression

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We make ourselves into one or the other.

Thought:

Definition of warrior:

broadly: a person engaged in some struggle or conflict

Synonym: fighter

often attributive

relating to or of the nature of —an attribute

a quality, character, or characteristic ascribed to someone or something

Example: All of us Mighties have become warriors.

————
This is a potent message about YOUR personal strength.
———-

Also, remember this-
“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”

And when you think you do not have any fight/warrior left in you, or that you are not fully winning the battle, just know this- an example from my own personal experience-
Once you have made yourself into a warrior, you will always be a warrior—even when you don’t see it.

“Strength does not come from winning.
*Your struggles develop your strengths*.
When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that's strength.” #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #MDD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #ChronicFatigue #ChronicIllness #Grief #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD

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A Timely Self-Empowerment Anthem with Inspirational Lyrics

From “Firework”— Katy Perry

……. Do you know that there's still a chance for you?
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know…..

#Music #MightyMusic #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #TreatmentresistantDepression #Anxiety #ChronicFatigue #ChronicIllness #Loneliness #DistractMe #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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My mood seems to be fluctuating a lot. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #TreatmentresistantDepression

My depression has gotten really bad over the last 2 years. The last month I have been in depths of the abyss of suicidal ideation, and then making plans for my future. I’m up, down, left and right. I have both major depressive disorder and persistent depressive disorder both are considered treatment resistant.

21 years of therapy, 19 antidepressants and ketamine have all failed to treat my depression. I don’t know what to do. I will not go back to the psych hospital. It was a waste of time and money. I got about 15 minutes of treatment. I need help. I don’t know who to ask. My psychiatrist doesn’t know. Therapist seem to have no idea. So who else is there?

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A Must Read- The Midnight Library #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #TreatmentresistantDepression

My therapist gave me this booked called “The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig at the beginning on the year. It’s taken me some time to finish it but I finally did today. I really enjoyed reading this book and going on this healing journey with the main character, Nora Seed. Nora’s story helped to see things that I struggle with aka depression & anxiety in a different light. It helped me to find a healing perspective about my life and change my mindset to a healthier version. I feel wiser, stronger and happier after reading this book. So if you’re ready to go on a similar journey I highly recommend reading “The Midnight Library”!

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Lost #CheckInWithMe #TreatmentresistantDepression anxiety #CPTSD eating disorder

I have asked about ECT. The memory loss concerns me greatly. If I could choose which memories to lose. I have been on 3 or more mg of clonazepam daily for years, most info says to take for approximately two weeks. I also take Wellbutrin XR 450, lexapro 15, and lamictal 200. None seem to work. Suicide ideation is increasing. My therapist wants me to do a complete medwash and start from scratch. Seeing the withdrawal process, especially of clonazepam and lexapro is terrifying. Some of the meds shouldn’t even be taken together according to med interaction checkers. Has anyone gone off of these - especially clonazepam. I’m so tired of this battle and feel like I’m going backwards.

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Stuck in survival mode

The last several months, i’ve been dealing with a very low mood and a general resurgence of my depression. Although i’ve been able to get through my workdays, i have had no energy or interest left over to do the self-care activities that typically help me out of a rough patch - cooking & baking, knitting, reading, yoga, walks. All i have been able to do after work for months is watch tv, scroll on my phone (i limit phone scrolling to pinterest and buzzfeed at least - i know most other social media makes me feel too bad), eat microwave meals, take out, and maybe one or two things i’ve made myself. I know this is not sustainable - i might be able to get through the workday but there’s no joy and no energy left over to be able to engage in things that could bring me joy.

When this depression resurgence came on, my psychiatrist and i decided to change my antidepressant medication again (i’ve had a few med changes in my history). This round we’ve tried Trintillex and then a “refined” version of Celexa, a drug i’ve done okay on (meaning i had some more mental stability but no ability to experience joy - better than not having any medication but still not sustainable long term). The trintillex didnt really help me unfortunately and the refined Celexa has been just okay - still no real ability to experience joy.

I was starting to try a third option this past weekend. I’ve now paused on that because the side effects packed a wallop (extreme grogginess, which is then followed by a weird spaciness - a feeling where it felt like my head was a balloon and my neck was merely a string terhering the balloon to the rest of my body). And although i would normally be willing to put up with random side effects, a few things at work have coincided and it happens to be a really critical time there right now - not a time where it’s easy to get time off work, and a time when i certainly need to feel like my head is a head and not a balloon just to be able to function. I am going to try switching over again when things calm down at work, which should be mid june.

My psychiatrist has been great and i am thankful for that. The medication i have just paused on would be the seventh medication i have tried over the years. Now that i have tried so many, we are starting to talk about different therapies such as TMS or possibly ECT. It’s just hard to access those treatments where i live unless you’ve tried several different medications first.

So even if i dont respond to the medications, that might help me get closer to trying TMS or another therapy which might help. It’s just that for now, i’m still stuck in survival mode. And surviving is good, yes, but i’ve already spent so long only surviving. I would like to experience something a little more than that - a little joy, a little light, a little happiness once in a while. I would like to have a little energy left over at the end of the work day to do something just for me. Or not need to take a two hour nap on Saturday and Sunday because i am so worn out from the previous week of working and keeping it together enough to work. (Side note, we’ve ruled out any potential physical/medical causes of my tiredness - i am tired because i end up using all my energy coping with and overcoming negative and depressive thoughts, or masking how i am feeling in front of coworkers. At this point, i wish my exhaustion was something physical that could be treated more easily.) Staying stuck in survival mode doesn’t really allow for joy.

Anyway. This is longer than I intended. I’ll end with if you are still stuck in survival mode, i’m cheering you on and hoping that you find a little piece of happiness soon. I hope you find the thing that turns your survival into a thriving life.

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #TreatmentresistantDepression #Anxiety #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #Selfcare #MentalHealth

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