SexualAssaultSurvivor

Samantha was sexually assaulted in 2003 and she kept it a secret until 2014. For years, Samantha struggled with her mental health. She became depressed, suicidal, and hated herself. She was always a writer but stopped writing after she was assaulted. She completely lost herself.

In 2014, Samantha moved to Canada. She realized that this was an opportunity to start over. This was her chance to heal. Samantha began writing a blog to process her sexual assault. Her writing took her on a journey of self-love and healing. Her assault no longer controlled her or her life.

How writing can help you heal - AccordingtoDes

#SexualAssault #SexualAssaultSurvivor #rapesurvivor #MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealth #healingthroughwriting #Selflove #selflovejourney #Healing #healingjourney

TW I talk about sexual assault.

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2 and a half years ago I was dating a guy. He seemed rather nice. I had told him that my chest was off limits as its the source of my gender dysphoria. he told me ok.

Then one day when we were being semi-intimate, he pinned me down so I couldn't get up and he sexually assaulted me in a way that involved my chest. I froze, went non-verbal. When he was done he wiped me up and took me home.

A month later I noticed some moles of some kind popping up in my cleavage and under my bust line. A lot of them. And then over the next 2 years even more. SO last month I went to the dermatologist to address them.

They biopsied one and froze off 15 others. 2 weeks later the results came back. Its HPV. The doctor apologized and explained that the strain that I have is unknown because it wasn't one of the strains they tested for. She said she wished that she had better news for me but told me that its easy to fix by just freezing the growths off with liquid nitrogen. But there is no cure.

I have been trying to research skin infections of HPV from sexual contact but all I am finding is either 1. Genital warts (we did not have penetrative sex) or 2. Non-sexually transmitted skin warts, mostly on the hands and feet. I'm so frustrated.

#HPV #STI #SexualAssaultSurvivor

My partner is a sexual assault survivor like me. He has a crazy high libido while I’m dead from the waist down. I didn’t used to be that way. I used to have a crazy high libido, too. However, I had some realizations in the middle of our relationship about sexual assault that happened to me as a child that I’d repressed. My libido tanked and I can’t seem to get it back. Any recommendations?

#libido #SexualAssaultSurvivor #Relationships #intimacy

I stayed when I knew what he was doing wrong.
I saw red flags, but didn’t reach out for help. I said no from the day I moved in. Days and days and minutes went by of him strangling me. But I did nothing. I thought over and over to reach out, to get help and get away from him. In all actuality I just kept reaching out to him.
I still seem him like he’s peaking around the corner like the nice guy and appearing like everything was okay.
I still feel him in my bed. My nightmares consist of him misbehaving. Screaming and tossing and turning. Unable to get away.
Despite me saying no and it burning begging please, please don’t, he still trespassed.
I feel his hands all over my body.
I feel him rubbing his hands all over my body down to my vagina.
I feel him sticking his hands in my vagina and he went further.
I feel him ripping my clothes off because he says no one wears clothes to bed anymore. I feel his hands and private part in me and as I screaming no, no, no. I remember.
It screamed but it like I was mute and no one could hear me yelling and being violated.
Violated as was my wrists were bound together where I couldn’t move.
Him tearing everything off me.
Him hitting where my thighs were red.
His hands all over me, saying no, as if it didn’t matter.
Him caressing me. Him manipulating me.
His shadows not been detached yet like Peter Pans shadow. Him tugging me hair.
I was silenced.
Am I the monster for staying?

My body feels like it’s not mine.
My skin feels weird. #PTSD #SexualAssault #SexualAssaultSurvivor #SexualTrauma #MeToo

Can’t get much sleep. Doctor is changing my sleep meds. I keep forgetting I have insomnia because I am so focused on my #BipolarDisorder and #PTSD . I tend to forget how important sleep is. I need more sleep 💤

#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BipolarDepression #Mania #SexualAssaultSurvivor #Insomnia

It was home maybe not the original but it was home
And that was my room with my siblings
And those were my toys
And that was my game with her
She knew it wasn’t a game
Her face was always lit like she knew what was coming
She always wanted to play
I remember the blue tint in the room and I remember the bottom bunk
I remember being scared of shadows and having to do the right thing so the shadows wouldn’t get me
It wasn’t the shadows I had to be afraid of
It was her light
She wasn’t a bulb but rather a bug and I never swatted her away
I was uncomfortable with the glow but not enough to say no
It took a long time to realize I’d been had
And can I really be mad if I didn’t mind when it happened?
I don’t know
Moving forward when the game outgrew us both and it came time to learn the truth about what I was really playing
I learned it had a name and there were rules
The game of love is supposed to be fair
But my body was sore from before and I didn’t know the rules
So the first time I was supposed to love someone
It fumbled and we both lost
There has to be a better way
And I don’t have all the answers so I choose to take comfort in the known
And what I know is I’m grateful for the people who never made me feel shame when I told them about my pain and my confusion and my loneliness
I know that I’m proud to be a survivor and I’m not scared of what happened anymore
or what it means
And I know that I’m not alone and someone, somewhere out there is going through this too and one day when they’re on the other side
I’ll be there too smiling and cheering
We made it. We won.

#SexualAssaultSurvivor #Childhoodtrauma #suppression #Loneliness #strength #notalone