Abandoned

I started my #Recovery journey in 2014 and I found a new way of life immediately. No one warned me the NEW was NEW Chapters of Life, Chapters which would not finish before the next starts….
In 2014 I had to have a #lumpectomy from my right #breast .
In the beginning of 2015 I was served #Divorce papers. By the end of the year we reconciled.
In 2016 when I should be excited my eldest is graduating from High School, simultaneously my second born had to have #OpenHeartSurgery .
In 2017 second born lost his first grandmother and I got to fly him from CA to ME to see her take her last breath.
In 2019 I was the proud #homeowner with my #husband of 10 years. We were finally making the #americandream .
In April 2020 I get a phonecall my father has had a #brainstemstroke I had to come home to Maine to assist with #lifeendingchoices .
In May 2020 my Mother is diagnosed with #OvarianCancer .
I am now temporarily living with my mother, being a #Caregiver , yet my #husband #mycaregiver #Abandoned me and then requested to take #fullcustody of #ourdaughter via the #Divorce .
In July 2021 my Mother sadly passed away. I have become an #Orphan too quickly. #Grief and #Depression is all too real now.
In March 2022, My second son has now come down sick. Doctors spend months trying to figure out why. It takes until July 2022 to diagnose him with #Sepsis #Endocarditis he spends 2 weeks #hospitalized and another 8 weeks on a #PiccLine at home.
In Dec 2022 he is given a clean bill of health and decides to come live with me in #Maine .
In Feb 2023 he starts to become tired easily, slight cough, and finally passed out in March.
March 10th he passed out at home. We called #911 and the #localer #Misdiagnosed him.
March 13th I took him to #mainemedicalcenter where he was hospitalized for 7 days with #Pneumonia and possible #Endocarditis where he was then transferred to #boston .
March 19th upon arriving to #brighamwomanhospital - #shapirocardiovascularcenter he underwent dozens more blood testing, procedures, exams, etc.
Today March 27th he is having #OpenHeartSurgery Number 2 to replace the pulmonary valve, pulmonary conduit, remove large vegetation.
In a couple of days as scheduled I am also supposed to exchange visitation with my daughter so I can visit with her for Spring Vacation. However my ex is trying to knit pick about my schedule and if I have ample time to spend with our daughter while my adult son is in ICU. Our daughter is 11 years old.
I really feel in the last multiple years I have had one catastrophic event after another without time to process.
I have other things like major moves, loss of therapists, and other medical mental health issues. I am so exhausted today scared sick for my son.
I am so annoyed how some people enjoy kicking others while they are down.
I don’t even know when I am going to sleep again right now. I have so many thoughts, concerns, to do’s in my head - I can’t sleep it is going to drive me crazy.
I am so sick of being in a chapter book that doesn’t let the chapters end.

Today, I said goodbye to 15 years of marriage and a 19 1/2 year relationship. When you've been feeling like you're just tolerated or only get any attention when they want something or knew that you just got paid. They don't want to communicate, speak in half truths, hide things until you find out yourself. They had given up on trying to be a father all together and then all the signs of the wandering eye start surfacing. It's just for the best. I want to be happy but I want him to be happy too. I'm not a ball and chain and I don't want to be pittied either. I wanted a faithful, loyal relationship with a partner. To take the mans role in our home and build a life with us. Or even just to communicate and be honest with me. I've done everything he had asked and more. Went back to 50's wife ensemble even. Still not good enough. I then tried to reach out to 3 different ppl for support. Since this is the 1st time since I was 15(2003) since being on my own with 3 kids in tow. I really do feel abandoned , lost and alone. 💔 #Abandoned #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety

I am about to be abandoned. It is something that is going to happen to all of the inner circle to teach us a lesson. before coming back…

He knows about my abandonment issues. He already emotionally distanced himself. Physical is next where he will be gone for at least a month where he won’t talk to us. So we can see what it is truly like without him, since we all took him for granted.

I am already on the verge of panic. I will be so very alone. Everything is my fault. This is what happens when I trust people and open up. I cannot breathe.

At least I got a warning by someone else, otherwise it would have been soooo much worse…..and it is going to be bad enough.

He knows this is my worst fear, him leaving.

#Abandoned #fears #alone #panic #PanicAttacks #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FavoritePerson #Crying

I wake up every day hoping the #fog will clear but it rarely ever does. It’s like being #underground and seeing the #light and #goals way above but they’re hardly visible. I feel like I’m trying to figure out how to navigate and get up there, over one the #Pain and #Fatigue , and just see the light. Each day seems harder and I am continually being beaten down by societies demands just to stay alive, live, eat, breathe, function and get any type of care. My family has #Abandoned me because, as my sister said. “She just can’t.” My children have not abandoned me but they have their lives and because it’s so hard to travel, or get through each day, seeing them is rare. The bank is trying to take my house, just because they want it and not because I don’t, or can’t pay. I feel numb inside and scared. What happens if…? Do I become another statistic and #Homeless , alone and #suffering and no one cares? I’m not sure that’s depression or reality and reality sucks enough to make you feel depressed. I don’t want anymore “treatment” from anyone and I can’t afford it anyway . I want this to end. I’m PV

I am really struggling at the moment with whether my feelings are valid or not.

I travelled overseas to meet three of my best friends for a lovely adventure holiday. Before leaving, I had developed an infection that was painful, but being treated by my doctors. Mostly I wanted to continue the holiday to see these people - anyone else and I probably would have abandoned the trip.

On arriving, my friends felt I needed to go to hospital to have the infection looked at. So I did, and was admitted for three days, undergoing surgery to remove the infection in that time.

Here’s the thing - though my friends took me to the emergency room, they had a tour booked and began that tour at 8am the next day. They didn’t even stay for me to get admitted properly and moved to a ward.

Here’s the second thing - before I came over to meet them, one of the friends told me that I shouldn’t be worried about being left alone sick in a foreign country, as they wouldn’t let that happen. As it happens, I was left alone sick in a foreign country.

These are three of my best friends but I feel completely abandoned and let down by them, and I am particularly directing these feelings at the one that told me I wouldn’t be left alone.

I know they had their own holiday booked that cost money; I also know that that first day was two hours away and that the activities planned could be repeated the following day.

So, am I right to feel abandoned? Or am I just reacting? How do I handle this when I see them tomorrow?

If your father didn't want you and your mother checked out with Valium and Xanax how does a child learn their value?

Well I learned I have no value.

I learned the only valid method of expressing myself was anger.

I was a sad little 7 year old boy who needed his mom and dad to help learn about the world. Instead:

I learned that other people will make fun of me

I learned that I was ugly and fat

I learned that I do not belong

I learned that people will use you for a nickel

I learned that I am dumb

I learned that the people who should support you won't

I learned I will always be alone

And 47 years later

People still make fun of me

I am obese and still ugly

I do not belong

People have used me for a nickel

I feel stupid

I am unsupported

And I am alone.

I am waiting to die.

I wish my life was over.

Depression sucks life from me

Anxiety makes me scared and fear even asking for help

I was in a full depressed state from ages 7 to 10.

I don't think I ever left depression at age 10. I just realized nothing matters. I don't matter. And I have been going through life knowing that happiness, joy and a life of friends is not something I will ever get to experience.

I know I am supposed to try and re-frame negative thoughts into positive thinking.

It is near impossible to see one positive thing about being alive right now.

My heart dropped, right into the pit of my weak stomach. The blood in my body felt like it drained right out of my veins. And then, the nausea and shaking. When bad news becomes so devastating you throw up, you cannot breathe.

My birthday celebrations had been in full swing: my partner and small family, after a year of loss, homelessness and rejection from others/employers whilst dealing with bullying I just wanted a nice day. Just and hour before the clock turned 12 and I’d be another year older; My now ex partner would announce he slept with someone else, I knew something was up by his body language that evening. My intuition told me something is wrong, but I didn’t realise it would be this. Following this devastating news I find out he’d also talk to other girls on dating apps moments after we were close and intimate.

I wanted to stay ignorant, I wish I never knew so I didn’t have to deal with the pain.
This time, he isn’t coming back. He was the last person in my life that hadn’t left; my trauma prior to this has been so immense that not many people have bothered sticking around. I’ve finally found I’m now alone in this world. But the biggest realisation for me is that you can think you know someone, inside out. He would constantly reassure me that I’m the only girl for him, I’m gorgeous in every way for him. He only has eyes for me. But how wrong I was, now realising that it was a front, my rock and my love has completely betrayed me. Disrespected me, and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I am not to say he was entirely bad, this is why it’s so hard. I was in love, to the ends of the earths with him; a month before he would make a proposal style gesture for a promise ring with a heart inside to say he will never leave and I have his heart. But unfortunately I didn’t quite have the rest of his anatomy.

I know many people will share my feelings in their own stories of infidelity and cheating. As a BPD sufferer, I’d always worry he would leave me, or find someone better than me, the thought of him leaving my life was horrific and painful.
It’s such a crushing feeling of total violation and a loss of trust. I question myself, was it me? Was I not good enough? Was she what he wanted? I wish it never happened, sometimes I wished I stayed ignorant. But that is my denial still at play. I don’t know how I can move onto trust another, when you were once so convinced they were the most loyal and faithful person you’ve met. I still feel sick, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep without crying. Heartbreak is killing my soul inside. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #cheating #Affair #abandonment #Abandoned #Depression #lonely #Fp #Grief #Loss