breakdown

I’ll have #Gooddays & I’ll have bad, though I’m still constantly struggling with my #innerself daily. There are a lot of things I know I have to do, but either my #Anxiety gets worked up, or I’ll try to get it done, or I tell and/or give myself reminders & still somehow end up forgetting about it or I’ve become distracted.

I’ve noticed that my train of thought can now go all over the place. Which is why I now have a lot of notebooks that I could use if I needed to let it out.

When it comes to phone calls I need to make, or appointments to schedule… I spend hours worrying about the #Start - #during - & #End of the whole thing. Before I know it, I can’t call because they’re now closed. Of course now I’ve become #Irritated & #angry at myself.

It never used to be this hard. I know I need to find a job, even IF the job I had #terminated me in part of my #MentalIllness . I feel stuck with no #Positivity in site. & It doesn’t help that even with or without my anxiety ramping up, my #Pride will not let me ask for help.

But…
•I give myself a ‘thumbs up’ daily for getting out of bed.
• I cheer when I have motivation to shower.
• I pat myself on the back, in my mind of course… when I do laundry & put them away.

I still struggle with driving anywhere if I’m alone. Hunter, who is my furbaby soulmate, but also my #esa is always by my side, & either one of my sons or sometimes both would join me so I’m not freaking out while driving on the road.

I feel #Guilt that I’m not being the mom that they need me to be. I feel bad every single time I ask them for help (when I’m getting #overwhelmed trying to tidy up the house). I am mad that my #breakdown caused me to fail in my performance at work & that I #Struggled to do the things they asked of me (because I was never informed from the start that there was info that they could show me & help me with #FMLA ‘cause it would’ve been easy back then to get things in order than it was a couple of months ago). I felt #invisible . I felt my #Voice didn’t matter. I tried… all by myself… in the end, the company I loved working at didn’t give a … about me.

I’m sorry for ranting about nonsense. :(

Playing around with fonts to create stencils for tattoos #howicope #iamnotdefinedbymyillness #EasilyDistracted or #jumpseverywhere when I’m able to express my #thoughtsANDfeelings #Insomnia #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PTSD #Depression #SocialAnxiety #PanicDisorder #Type2Diabetes #cronicmigraines #HighBloodPressure #HighColesterol #ImOnly42 #SlowlyRecoveringFromNarcissisticAbuse #LossOfFamilyMembers one after another after another. #WasTerminatedFromMyJob because of my #illness the company makes one feel #expendable #nowellnesscheck #nophonecallortext a little over a month, then #terminated via #Email #whodoesthat ? And why did my #Casemanager repeatedly tell me to have my #Psychiatrist re-do the #forms AGAIN for like the 3rd, 4th time? I am very #Disappointed at that #multimillionaire #Company prior to my #breakdown I was #harassedatwork too. I don’t understand… #whyme ?

I just experienced a mild loss of control, and it terrified me. I couldn’t get out of the shower and I was screaming, crying.

After I finally got out. I found myself sitting in my (walk in) closet, naked. Still, unable to go. I was crying again.

Now, I’m calm. Exept for my raging heart (anxiety?) but everything feels very, far.
If that makes sense? Like, out of reach. Unreal almost.
#breakdown #Depression #Psychosis ?

It’s been a month since the last time I posted. Over the last few weeks I’ve started and stopped so many updates because I get a blank just trying to give it a title.

I’ve been coping. I think that’s the best way to describe things. Some days are harder than others. I’m just lucky to have my dog, who has made the loss of my cat less difficult and has been following me a bit.

I’ve had to make some conflicting decisions regarding my future. I’m still not sure if they’re the right ones. At times I get scared. Other times I get excited. I guess I’ll find out what happens.

I’ve struggled with my mental health. Last week, I had my first mental health crisis in a very long time. It was very difficult but I’m lucky to have my family here for me (when it comes to my mental health at least. We’ve had disagreements when it comes to the decisions I’ve made for my future).

My pain has also been worse than it has been in a long time, but thankfully seems to be getting better. I went through about a week of a bad flare-up of my back and leg pain, then proceeded to have a few weeks of neck pain.

The other day, the pain was too much. I rubbed in voltarol so much and it just didn’t work. I ended up using a neck support that I had bought when I went abroad a few years ago, because my pillows just felt so flat (I was trying to sleep) but gave up with that. Thankfully I’ve had little neck pain since then.

Though since life is life, I never catch a break. I managed a month off all my allergy stuff before I started getting the symptoms again last week, and I’ve ended today with a sore throat so I’ve started back on them again.

And then last month I was at the dentist and they noticed my jaw would click. I had TMD before but it went away after my surgery. And over the last month, it’s been increasing to where now it’s every time I open my mouth.

It’s started hurting my jaw today and I just broke down. Part of the reason why I had the surgery was so that it wouldn’t happen anymore, and I was just feeling defeated. But hey-ho!

#TemporomandibularJointDisorders #Depression #MentalHealth #Pain #ChronicPain #Flareup #Allergies #future #breakdown #neckpain #BackPain #MentalHealthCrisis #Life