Hatemyself

Im thinking that my DNA is paired wrong …. The helix 🧬 goes the other way - this is fact because it wasn’t one person that did those things it happened again and again - even as an adult I went back for more and I hate myself . I want to get rid . I used to bathe in bleach but nothing works #ChildhoodAbuse #PTSD #SexualAbuse #recoveryishard #Hatemyself #Migraine #EatingDisorders #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

Can’t do this - overthinking is too much today.. desperate to live in the moment whilst on holiday… no calories mentioned in menus… feeling dreadful but know I’m lucky … trying not to disassociate…. #CPTSD #ChildhoodAbuse #Shame #Hatemyself

How do u deal with flashbacks ? You know it’s not happen now but everything still is so real and you just get taken right back there . You feel like you are nothing …. How can you get rid of this ?? This grossness ?? #Abuse #Csa #worthless #wishiwasdead #Hatemyself

Ugh I keep reading about #DBT groups and how they help so you can #learnt to live and #cope with your everyday battle of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . I've tried to attend group at least 3-4 times. But I eather am to scared to go in, or think everyone is watching me so I just get up and leaving and then avoid when someone calls to check on me. Don't know what it is I'm just #Weird I guess. My #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder alone drives me crazy. Any suggestions on what I can or should do so I can #learnToCope w/ my #illness like I know it's probably 99% #JustInMyHead . I'd do. Anything to have a normal life and have people to hang out with but it's Impossible #Hatemyself

I have tried so hard for so long not to cut. Its been over a year and today gave in. My body has already been reacting to my struggles, constricting my throat and digging nails into my palms theyve callused. Today after more issues on top of issues im done. Failed once again. #Selfharm #Fail #disapointed #Hatemyself

I’m so disgusted with myself lately. I’ve been on antidepressants for 2 years now. I’m still feeling the same. I’m still not able to get shit done. I still have a billion amazing ideas that I start and cannot finish. I get super involved in things almost obsessively then at a blink of an eye I can drop it and walk away. My sleep is still all over the place either I’m so exhausted I’m sleeping all day or I’m wide awake and can’t sleep for a couple days at a time. Sometimes clothing on my skin makes me angry and hurts. I can’t stand my hair touching my neck or back. Especially when it’s wet. It literally takes me an hour to talk myself into taking a shower. I’ve been super active and have gained 20lbs and I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m so embarrassed to sit down at my sons baseball games because I feel like my stomach and fat rolls show more. I’m in constant pain and my psych dr wants me to stop taking my pain meds. I told her I have trouble sleeping and she said she’s not giving me sleeping pills besides what she’s already tried with me. I never asked for something different I just want to sleep. I want to feel heard. I want to be more than just a dollar sign to her. I was getting occipital nerve blocks done and the place I was getting them told me to start going to a pain clinic. Well all the pain clinics around here either don’t take my insurance or have a 7 month waiting list. I don’t want drugs. I want to feel human. I want to feel productive. I’m over it all. I can’t stand being inside of this fat body anymore. I want to cut it all off. (I know I can’t just wish I could) I can’t even look in a mirror anymore. Sorry. Just having a day. #Hatemyself #ChiariMalformation #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #OccipitalNeuralgia #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm