icandothis

I had such a good morning, went to bio rehab ready to work. We did balance today, not my easiest. It's hard when you realise that you cannot feel any sensory input from you leg. It frustrating when something so simple seems so incredibly difficult to do because your leg can't feel or sense how. It's mentally exhausting having to think a limb to move in a way you know it can, because there is no problem with motor function. About an hour after bio my whole spine from cervical to lumbar and inbetween has flared into Neural burning, pain and stiffness. It just so frustrating to want to work hard to have a better future and to enhance yourself in order for you not to get worse and somehow to ge punished by your own body for trying to help it. I know tomorrow will be better and I know I will get up and go on and try again. But right now it sucks! To anyone else whose trying and feeling like they are failing, I'm thinking of you and sending hugs! It makes me think of Nightbirde song It's OK. Right now I'm just a little lost and that's ok. #Pain #Disappointed #frustrated #nervepain #peripheralsensoryneuropathy #discherniations #balanceissues #icandothis #healingjourney

In the past six months…
In the past six months I’ve lost my best friend, Tony.
I’ve moved.
I’ve gotten rid of, or have been told,  I will have to, get rid of, almost all of my possessions,  including almost all of my good clothes,  and art,  that I have left.
I’ve been Baker Acted 5 times.
I’ve been in the emergency room, six times, with serious health issues.
I have made two suicide attempts.
I have a serious knee injury, making my favorite pleasure of waking, and being in nature, impossible.
I have had clinical depression.
I have struggled to acquire mental health resources.
Every mental health facility,  has turned me down,  for services, because, I will not dump my,  Back Home Team.
I have been taken off my meds,  all five times, I’ve been hospitalized.
I’ve completely come off of them.
I’ve Gotten much more unstable.
I’ve Had severe PTSD flashbacks, EVERY TIME. Then I was put back on, different meds,  only to be completely taken off them,  less than a month later, at thenext Baker Act.
Da Javo, five times.
Destabilized, then reconstruct, to be destabilize, again.
I have acquired pneumonia, I’m bedridden,  I get out of breath,  just walking, to the bathroom.
I have backslide, drastically, in my mental health.
I’ve been put in restraints, and kept there,  for over three hours.
I have felt more alienated, and alone, than I ever have, in my life.
I have become unable, to urinate on my own.
I have trouble defecating.
I have been told, that my near future, is going to include,me having to be dependent on, using a colostomy bag, in order to relieve my bowels. I got put on steroids for my pneumonia because I was so sick. They risked aggression to treat my sickness. Instead, I became euphoric. I felt wonderful. My five days of steroids ends today and I fear that the happiness is not a result of all the hard work I am doing, but fear the suicidal depression will suddenly return.  I had to drop my psychiatric nurse practitioner of five years, who is the person who started me on consistent meds, was the first provider to gain my trust and respect, and who I have sworn for five years, I would never part with her, all because they won’t let me see her and still get mental health services, that I desperately need in Gainesville. I must have med provider up here, snd I can’t have two. I am devastated. It took me years to trust anyone, and I’m being asked to start over. I am grieving my ARNP. I feel unreal.
Side note: I DID NOT GIVE UP MY TEAM. I RECOMMITTED TO 100% FOCUS ON THERAPY TWICE A WEEK, AND I STARTED OBSERVING MY EXPERIENCES AS NEUTRAL OCCURANCES, NOT AS GOOD OR BAD- A TOOL I HAD LEARNED. #perspectivechanged #Hope #turningthepage #dontgiveup #impermanence #equanimity #healthcrisisbringschange #majorstressors #icandothis

This past week I feel as if it hurts a little less, I have struggled so hard yet there is a weird sense of calm and for that I am thankful #painiseasing #icandothis

It’s been generally a bad day for me. Even if it’s just small teasing or jokes, I happen to take it personally when I didn’t have to... Throughout work I’ve been trying my hardest not to cry so hard, and released all that anger and sadness after work and currently in my room in the dark doing the same thing. I’m so upset about a lot of things, including my parents (I love them but man, toxic Asian culture, they’re never going to understand mental health).

I write in my gratitude journal during the weekdays, I try my best to go to the gym or a jog in the neighbourhood, dates with myself once in a while, keep myself busy with work and planning hangouts in advance... I firmly tell myself in front of the mirror, “I can do this”. I use essential oils (Saje Wellness brands) in which I find the scents and effects of it help me be more calm. I have been going out of the house for 288 days (and still counting) to keep myself moving and going.

I don’t know if this is just real life problems mixed with on and off depression for me, or seasonal affective disorder (I’m still learning about me), but whatever it is, I’ve been crying a lot today, and I just want this feeling to pass and over with. I don’t take meds as I want to try to deal with it naturally, but my next step is to call to set up an appointment with a counsellor to rant out my feelings and let it all out.

Earlier this week I have temporarily deactivated my Twitter account and not replying to any messages right away, so honestly speaking, this is my safe place to rant a bit and doing my best to take care of myself...

To any of you who are reading this, if there are other ways on how to manage depression in a natural way, please let me know...

#Depression #Crying #Stress #icandothis

So I’ve decided, with the help of my therapist, and support of some amazing beings (thank you, you know who you are) I am finally going to confront the person that sexually assaulted me a little over 2 years ago. I have battled with what happened back and forth in my head since it happened. Is what he did considered sexual assault (yes it is)? The sex was consensual but he didn’t use the condom I gave him, and I didn’t know until the next morning... is that sexual assault (yes it is)? I told him no 3 times before that night because WE DIDN’T HAVE PROTECTION!!! So he absolutely knew it was a non negotiable, yet he didn’t wear one and didn’t say a word until the next morning as we were both leaving my apartment so I could go to work. He actually looked at me and said “Oh, sorry I didn’t use a condom last night...”. When I came home from work I saw the condom just thrown on the floor by the side of the bed... I got sick to my stomach. He didn’t think about getting plan B, he didn’t think about the clinic and the worry, I AM THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT. It’s terrifying because part of me believes that he really doesn’t think he did anything wrong. In the meantime, I can’t go to where he works without getting nervous or anxious so I do avoid it. He claims to be an ally for women, LGBTQ+, minorities etc but he’s obviously good at putting up a front. So many people know him and think he’s this good guy who is all of those things above. If you were a true ally for women you wouldn’t have done what you did to me, I trusted you, I’ve known you for almost 20 fucking years. If you could do that to me.... this all came to a head after he sent me a text last Saturday asking if I was going to a show that he saw my friends at. I had honestly pushed shit down until that text. I went over what I would say over and over in my head and it felt so good.

Anyway, no real point to this other than I’m doing something that’s scary, uncomfortable, and very hard. But I’m gonna do it and I’m going to feel more empowered than ever.

#SexualAssaultSurvivors #icandothis #MeToo #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Confrontingfear