Traumatized

My father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. he has to do chemo therapy, then he will have surgery. The risk of death is about 95%.
Our relationship isn’t quite easy. When I was 10, my parents got divorced and my mother left us. My father, my brother and I were left alone. Then he hired a maid because he couldn‘t work and take care of the house and us kids. I was getting bad in school and always came back with poor grades. He yelled at me and wouldn’t talk to me for a few days or sometimes weeks.
I took care of my brother when my father or his maid weren’t around. I guess it was exhausting, but I don’t remember much from this age (0-14). I was told that my brother ran after my mother when she left us.

When I grew up, I showed the first symptoms of bpd. Of course I didn’t know it by then, but now I know, at the age of 24.
things got difficult and worse, and I didn’t like myself, nor was I happy.

I didn’t know that I was allowed to have needs. Feelings. I didn’t know what love was, I didn’t know I could ask for help. I didn’t even know there were emotions.

I was terrified of making mistakes because of the silent treatment. However, years later he started to date a women from parship. Apperently they liked each other and still do. She was..different. Speaking directly and giving me orders don’t work on me.
My walls were all up and I wasn’t even close to put them down.
At the age of 20 or 21 (I don’t remember) I moved out, to my mothers place. It was horrifying. But I made it to my own apartment with my girlfriend (we both have own apartments) and I’m definitely more happy like this.
I cut contact with my mother and brother, but there is my dad and his cancer.

On Friday I had to see him to change tires, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I felt guilty. I found myself in my people pleasing copy mechanism.
However, his girlfriend wouldn’t want to say hello because „I don’t want to spend more time with them, we don’t have to discuss this now“.
I hate her. I’m sorry, but for one time I have to admit it.

His Life expectancy depends on the cancers growth at the end of chemo therapy. Mabye three months, mabye six, mabye longer. But I don’t know. He doesn’t know.

And I’m worried.
I’m worried that I’m the worst person on earth.

But I have bpd and I can’t control my episodes. And right now I feel like a fool writing this (I don’t even know if I am going to post this)

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Pain #silenttreatment #peoplepleasing #traumaresponse #Traumatized #help

I think I have hit my limit. I’m exhausted in all fronts, I feel utterly and completely empty. I feel pretty broken inside. There feels like there’s no safe space, not even a place to hide. I wouldn’t mind if the ground swallowed me up at this moment. I’m just about at the point where I think that if I tell myself long enough to just give up on the hopes that I have, that maybe being numb to it all would make it all easier to deal with. Even though I shouldn’t, I just want to push everyone out so that I could just “be” for once. Every traumatic experience up to this point has came to the head of it all and I’m losing faith in people. I’m just really, really tired. #MentalHealth #Emptiness #Traumatized #Tiredofbeingtired #FeelingEmpty #feelingaloneandlost #Hoplessness #losinghopelosingstrength #deadinside

I’ve moved out! I’ve left my husband, kids and in-laws! I couldn’t cope in that environment it was so toxic. But I miss it - I miss the good things - I miss snuggling with my baby girl (even though she’s 11). They’re moving on without me - creating new family routines and I am so torn - I love my flat, I love my independence, but I want a hug and to be told everything’s going to be ok! My head feels fuzzy, like I can’t focus. I can’t work out if I do love my husband, or I am still yearning for this ‘Walton’s’ family ideal that is unrealistic. #Depression #Anxiety #Traumatized

how do you deal with new diagnoses, losing family support, no income, and knowing hospitalization will make things worse while simultaneously reaching out for help... only to be further #Traumatized #fellthroughthecracks #thesystemisbroken #Broken #Pain #Anxiety #Hyperalgesia #multiplechronicillnesses #DiabetesType1 #ChronicIllnessEDS #newdiagnoses #notsogoodprognosis

how do you deal with new diagnoses, losing family support, no income, and knowing hospitalization will make things worse while simultaneously reaching out for help... only to be further #Traumatized #fellthroughthecracks #thesystemisbroken #Broken #Pain #Anxiety #Hyperalgesia #multiplechronicillnesses #DiabetesType1 #ChronicIllnessEDS #newdiagnoses #notsogoodprognosis

One of the reasons as to why I have chronic depression and anxiety and bipolar 2 is that I am still traumatized based on my doctor. I am not sure if I am traumatized or still traumatized because the thing happened 2 decades ago. I don’t understand. If so I shouldn’t be like this anymore. #Traumatized #Bipolar2 #ChronicDepression #Anxiety

First, I am going to use this site as a diary, I believe. So please, by no means should anyone feel forced to read my crap. I am scared to post, but there we are; my disclaimer. You've been warned! :)

Tonight I #Write trying to get back in touch with #whoiam after an extremely #Manipulative #Controlling degrading #AbusiveRelationship . More than 1 person warns me this could be dangerous I am battling both the fear that it will be dangerous but as twisted as it seems I think I may actually be more selfishly afraid that I'll be #Forgotten #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder 
#FearOfAbandonment 

I have been losing people all of my life and not one person has stayed even if they came back everyone has had to take a break. A few years ago I went to 7 different psychiatrists and specialists looking for help and LITERALLY everyone of them told me the same answer more or less but their is one answer to my #seekinghelp that will forever be embedded in my mind, word for word.
"You are too #Traumatized to help , " he said. That cut me so deep I still feel scared today that he was right. But I'm here. Trying to prove wrong this theory quiet a few doctors seem to think of when it comes to me.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 6 years old so most of my life none of them gave me hope just #pills that didn't do anything for it wasn't a chemical imbalance instead it was just about everything else out of balance and wrong in life causing my behaviors. But everyone was too busy #fighting or whatever else the case may be to ever realize just how badly all the #Rejection  #abandonment #SexualAssault
#violence"> #FosterCare #Adoption SUCKS ... 
At 4 I was #Cutting something I do not support in others but also do not judge in others for your life matters far more than mine I assure you... No one noticed. I've been #invisible since I can recall. 

And while the #Relationshipproblems I had recently are going away as I attempt to hide from him and ignore how it hurts I still feel that stupid #Child within me terrified I am gonna vanish because no one will ever love me again and 'bad' love surely is better than no #Love - this is #panic talking, I think... 
Oh I don't know.
recently moved into a new house with my #grandma for #Caregiving and at first because I wanted to. But she has grown ... very different over the past year all her other children abandon her and while she just recently said she thinks she made a #mistake in letting me stay around instead of having to be further shoved from person to person, institution to institution, despite her doubt in that, I do love her and am glad she did even if life has been one massive hell hole with nothing but shadows filled with violence, anger, terror, horrible things done to a child, rather I say, the innocence stolen, full of every day questions about the next rejection or abandonment or if worry; worry that if I fell asleep she would be dead in the morning because I hadn't been able to save her.

With good intentions Anything goes. You can be the clown and embrace it but my body doesn’t care about my good intentions. What sucks is when there is literally nothing going on and my body decides to do what it has been doing for the past 6 years... be anxious, depressed, in pain.