LoveLife

My partner and I are at a crossroads - 3/4 weeks of the month when I’m not struggling with my BPD I am the man she wants to marry. She speaks of children, my worth, how grounded I make her, how much peace and ease I bring to her life. Last week was a bad one, I was hurting really bad - and relatively unstable due to this. I try day in and day out to grow and mitigate damage in my lows, to heal and release from my traumas. I see she’s tired, I see she’s hurt and I can take full ownership of what I’ve done to contribute to it - but I also am starting to see I have a responsibility to myself. A responsibility to acknowledge my condition, as well as how intentional I am living day in and day out. She is trying, she has from the beginning - I will never say that she isn’t, she is one of the most kind hearted and loyal individuals I have ever been graced to know. I’m writing this to stay calm and weather the storm, to be held by this beautiful community in which I’ve found. I have promised her with confidence that a life shared long term can and will be beautiful with me, and know in my heart it will be. With or without her it is what I deserve and will achieve. With that being said, I was also very blunt and honest about the journey we have ahead of us, and that I cannot promise her the total peace all of the time in which she seems to expect. I offered her the chance to stay with me, to see this through and to come up with productive mechanisms and strategies to honour both her boundaries and my needs as a BPD. Here’s to waiting patiently, thank you for taking the time to read this - much love guys! I will be okay regardless of if she stays or goes, although I really do hope it’s us in the end. As any BPD knows, it takes immense courage and discipline to have radical acceptance of these situations, I’m trying.

Cheers,
Lucas B

#relationship #BPD #Borderline #LoveLife #MentalHealth #borderlinepersonality

Since getting ill I've had to let a lot go, but it wasn't until I was finally diagnosed that I realized how many things I'd let go, that I'd never gain back. And that there was a lot more I had to consider when making large decisions like school, work, projects I take on as a mother, member of my community or for my employer. This last year with Covid I've given up the most! One of them being my job. While my leaving was only temporary, as I approach a year, I feel like I'll never return. Between Covid and the use of immunosuppressant drugs, homeschooling four kids and my declining health, the idea of returning looks more and more unrealistic, it hurts my heart! It's another part of me I have to give up. I worked my butt off in school to gain skills and busted butt to advance in my position with my company. I LOVE/LOVED my job!! I worked in the operating room and got to see so much cool stuff!! I got to help care for patients and provide a service that both helped patients recover from major surgery as well as ease some of the stress off the donor blood bank system. I'm an autotransfusionist and PRP/BMAC tech (put simply, I get to do fun and cool things with blood!)

When I started this post I was going to list the things I've had to give up leading up to 2020 but I find myself feeling a little more hopeful in sharing this. Amazing what some writing can do for the soul! So I will share some things I've GAINED over this past year instead and I encourage you to do the same in the comments. Name 2-3 positive things you've gained do to your illness.

1. I've gained the ability to spend more time with my kids! My youngest (twins) just turned 7 and it makes me sad to know they are my last babies. I love that not only do I get extra snuggles and time with them; but that at the moment, I am the one helping to expand their education. Teaching them to read, write and lear many other first grade skills.

2. I've gained the ability to bond more with my older kids. They started middle and high school this year, they are distance learning through the school district so I oversee their work and help them when needed. Communication is my number one priority as a mother and this time allows me to build those relationships with my teen/tween-agers. They are becoming such amazing humans! They see my struggle and they go out of their way to bring me breakfast in bed every morning and snuggle. I wake up each morning to at least two of my four children smiling, laughing and snuggling with me in bed. It is the absolute best feeling!

3. I've gained the ability to be able to rest whenever my body needs it. No waiting till the weekend or after I've come home from work, picked kids up from school, helped with homework, made dinner, gave baths, helped the kids deal with any issues they faced during their day at school and read 7 bedtime stories. I get to take a moment whenever I need it to restore my strength so I can continue to rock this motherhood gig! #LoveLife

When years of trauma broke me down, once I finally realized the toxicity I needed to let go was when I was able to begin returning to myself. I was misguided in my life and needed to selfguide myself back to my path. Once I've reached the right direction I was able to walk forward and never look back. I let the past stay where it is and moved forward to endless possibilities. What I know now I am able to select if I make a turn or keep moving forward. The turns I make will only enhance my lifes journey.

I will always believe that forgiveness is the best medicine for the heart. Without doing so I would still be stuck in the past not ever able to move forward to possibilities. However just because I forgive does not mean that I have to accept the wrong that's been done.

#NarcissisticAbuse #HardDepression #suicidaltendencies #LoveLife

I want to fall back in love with life. I want to be more artsy and creative, I want to let my mind be more free. I want to smile at the little things and take pictures. I want to make memories and explore. I want to learn the fragilistics of life and the vivavciousness it brings. I want to see more, be more, and do more.

I want to have a date with a book somewhere in nature and be content with the whsipering winds. I want to hike trails and find peace in Earth. I want to do makeup and hair and love my style, while scribbling colourful drawings in a sketchbook. I want to do all the little things I dream.
#LoveLife #rediscover #findmyselfagain #learntobe