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BOUNDARIES? sacredsavage/iameveryoneeverywhere
Since the beginning of this year I‘ve faced so many challenges, non-stop, I just cannot deal with any more. I’ve reached my mental, emotional, and physical limit, and tomorrow I’m going to postpone a scheduled procedure for a few more months (colonoscopy) because I just need a break! It will be the 3rd test for cancer I’m having since January and I still am waiting on results from the first 2 separate ones!
I just had 3 mammograms and a 6-punch biopsy. A vein was inadvertently hit, and I am entirely deeply black & blue, and in pain. 2 weeks for results. Long story of misdiagnosis, but I’m finally seeing the correct doctor to determine whether lesions on both sides of my head are cancer as my GP diagnosed. I saw a prominent movement neurologist who said I did NOT have Parkinson’s, (Yay!! Yay!!) but severe Essential Tremor which only focused ultrasound treatments to my brain or microchip implants might help diminish the tremor. (I am not independently wealthy or so inclined.)
But in addition to all the physical stuff is the termination of my relationship with my eldest daughter-she’ll be 45 soon. I just absolutely cannot “reach” her anymore.
My first daughter who I have always cherished & enjoyed began having problems in her teens, especially following my divorce in an acute domestic violence situation where I was forced to take my children & pets and give up their only home because my ex- refused to leave, and he was hurting us all. I found a great fixer-upper right across from the high school, transformed it, always had a houseful of kids, worked hard and had a happy life. Both kids were honor students and active in clubs & sports. Until my eldest dropped her good stand-by friends and began hanging out with troubled kids from other schools, and acting out. Their father’s abuse never ended, but he targeted our eldest and adamantly refused the counseling for her she so desperately needed & deserved. She turned from a sweet, bright, funny talented youngster into a rage filled, viscous, self-sabotaging bully exactly like her father. And has maintained that personality toward all her family since, blaming each of us for her unhappiness and health problems, and being unrelenting, escalating abusive, continually speaking outrageous lies and manipulative accusations that leaves her sibling and I aghast as she’s got increasingly worse over the past 10 years.
Her sibling got married, has a beautiful family, and always tried to include her sister, even’tho she was always abused & shunned. Her sister got counseling, and no longer allows the eldest into her life, although they have met several times at relatives for the children’s sake.
My eldest lives 3-4 hours drive from me. I would do look forward to her coming to visit years ago until she became very belligerent over absolutely nothing, began deliberately provoking “fights” I NEVER wanted to have any part in, objected to anything I said or asked, and got herself so angry & worked-up that she’d leave yelling, screaming, & cursing me at the top of her lungs! I live in a very quiet senior building and I did everything I knew to de-escalate the situation, each time, to no avail. The final visit, a few years ago at Thanksgiving, she suddenly lunged at me from across the living room fists raised, teeth clenched, maniacal eyes…got right up in my face, then backed off. I can never feel safe with her again. I did have a few sessions with the counselors at the local Domestic Violence Center.
So she’s continued this degrading abuse via phone calls over the past several years, blaming me for everything her father did to her, and it’s just broken my heart to hear all her bizarre, hateful, untrue name-calling and bullying. She is “in therapy” with someone online whose credentials are clearly from Walmarts 101, and who has no philosophy whatsoever other than “everything is your parents fault & there’s nothing you can do about it, so rage away making yourself sick, suffering, & staying stuck!” I can’t take any more of her endless incredible hatred. I loved that child and woman with my entire heart her whole life through thick and thin, protected her, encouraged & cheered her on, looked after her when other parents might not have bothered, had fun together…never laid a hand on her. I am gentle and reasonable with discipline that teaches consequences.
But the stress of her calls, constant demeaning without cause, is too much stress for way too long. My glucose levels skyrocket for days from the cortisol and totally mess up my diabetes & blood pressure. I just had a major Arrhythmia episode. I’m having to deal with depression & anxiety & ptsd whereas I’d reached a level of contentment and peace and pain management. She’s slammed the phone down on me once too often. I finally agreed with one of her many threats and while I said I always have and always will love her with my whole heart and soul, I will no longer tolerate her abuse in any form. No more calls or texts…until or unless she can find it in her heart to relate to me with some respect and civility. She then texted me a photo of her and a bunch of friends smiling, laughing, and said “See mom! I’m HAPPY without you! I’m having a great life without you in it!” I had a stillborn baby birth in between these two kids who I mourned over for a long time. I’m going through a great mourning now for my beloved firstborn- we’ve been thru so much together. But I feel a great sense of relief and calm is returning just these past 2 weeks and I know we’re both going to be ok. I’ve prayed for her every day and I’ll never stop. I miss who she was. A huge part of my heart and life is missing.
I’m hopeful about all my test outcomes, too. I threw my own theory into the mix. Instead of 4 or 5 specialists sending me for endless invasive tests, I’ve proposed that all my symptoms are attributable to an allergic reaction to a specific medication I started 10 years ago. I got 2 doctors to agree, so I stopped it last week and now we wait and see! Who knows? Meanwhile, should I just get the d€¥m colonoscopy over with now? Or give myself a couple months break?😵💫
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