She told me she would be my friend,
That she’d make me whole.
She whispered sweet lullaby lies to me at night to send me to sleep,
And in the day she’d ward off anyone who could hurt me; I thought she was protecting me.
Slowly, she drove away the people I loved, she told me they didn’t love us, they wanted to do harm to us.
Slowly, she wormed her way into my every waking minute, now screaming in my ears.
She kept snatching back my hands whenever I strayed, she helped me deceive, lie, manipulate. We were winning together at one point, so close to the end goal; little did I know how close that end goal was to death.
We were walking on a tightrope over a deadly ravine, we were living off of the thrill. Then they separated us, they tried to turn us against each other; they threatened her, told me she wasn’t my friend; but she was all I had left in the world.
She never left my side through it all, but she’s been watching from the sidelines. She’s been holding my hand through the hard times. She doesn’t like change.
Now she wants our relationship to be a secret, she hides from the people I love because they tried to hurt her, hurt ‘us’ she says. But now she’s hurting me. She holds my head above the toilet, she pushes my hands down my throat, she’s choking me. She shelters me from those I love; she pushes in between the cracks, filling them with hatred, guilt and shame. She lets me think I’m in control before she grabs the reins and sends us charging off into the distance, alone. I want to be free of her, send her away to a safe place where there is no pain, for she has been through enough. I cling to her as an identity, for she is me and I am her; she has helped me survive. But I don’t need her to survive anymore, I now know what safety is, what belonging can look like. I love her, and that’s why I have to let her go. #AnorexiaNervosa #BulimiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #TraumaRecovery #traumasurviviors #WhereHopeGrows #Selfcompassion #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #MentalHealth