Just need the breathe #BingeEatingDisorder #EatingDisorders
I haven’t used this app since 2019 and I never thought I would use it again but I feel alone and I just want my voice to be heard by people who understand what I’m going through. I’ve always had eating problems, my first eating problems was I was too skinny then once a major life event happened I gained weight, lost it again and in 2021 I’ve started to binge eat constantly. I don’t know my weight I refuse to weigh myself but I’m heavier than I ever been before. I just graduated college and while I was in college I was embarrassed to eat in the dining hall, I felt watched and judged. Everyday passing the dining hall windows and I saw my reflection, unhappy and disgusted with who I see, but I couldn’t stop eating. I feel paralyzed to do something about it, I want to go to the gym but I have no motivation to leave my house and I’m constantly walking on eggshells around my mom when I eat. If she hears rustling of a bag in the night she questions what I’m eating and it hurts and I always ask permission if I can have seconds. I broke down last night upset with my weight my mom always goes “what is it this time” I admit I complain a lot but growing up with her saying that or her dismissing my feelings hurts and I told her that and she just says “you come at the worse times”. Tell her how unhappy I was she told “im being honest and truthful but no one wants to date someone who looks like you” I was so hurt and I told her to apologize and she said no because it’s the truth and I can’t take it. I was angry, I kept hitting my legs, wanting it to bruise just to let my pain out, thinking about stabbing my leg or taking pills. She pointed to a picture on my bedside of when I was skinner and said “what happened to her?” I know I have to make the first move to become better but it’s so hard feeling paralyzed by emotions.