I wanted to share with everyone my journey through breaking free from my attachment issues, anxiety and toxic environment.
A little back story: My name is Sally, I am 28 years old diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, anxiety,depression,PCOS and binge eating disorder. My life was semi on hold for 6 years now because of all my illnesses. I had anxiety for as long as I remember I think from the time that my father passed away when I was 5 years old. My mother also suffers from all the diagnoses I have which made it hard for her to care for my emotional needs.
My family is very toxic, since I was young I was made fun of how I look and how I weight. No one really cared about me when I was sick too which made me unaware about my health and made me accept a lot of pain that could have been taken care of if I listened to the signals my body gave me. I actually gave up on living and was living like a zombie until now.
A year ago I met my boyfriend, a guy from South-Korea who has treated me with care and love for this whole year and made me realize how easy it was for my family to help me get out of this emotional pain. If there was just a part of the support my boyfriend gave me from them maybe I wouldnt have suffered this much.
My mother is very protective and controlling. I never could make choices in my life, I also never slept over at someone or travelled with friends or alone.
But I too was overly attached to my emotionally unavailable mother always begging to be loved. But when time went by I noticed that I was stuck while everyone was going forward. My brother who is 5 years younger than me got married which kind off pulled a plug in me.
I am so happy for him but I also felt a big embarrassment and disappointment in myself and all the things my mother and stepdad said came in to mind.
"No one wants a fat woman" "you are disgusting" "I will only hug you if you lose weight "you cant sit on my bed you might break it"
My health was never their priority it was always how I looked. I was unhappy and I was sick, I barely ate but my anxiety made me always throw up or binge eat but all that mattered is how I will look at my brothers wedding.
I decided it was time for me to take distance from them and decided to move to South-Korea for a few months until the wedding to be with my boyfriend. My anxiety was killing but I am managing it by writing here and being aware about my feelings.
A lot of thoughts in my mind "Your boyfriend will also think you are disgusting" "His parents will hate you because you are sick and fat"
I felt so sad thinking those things since I was always a person who had a lot of confidence and amazing energy.
Tomorrow is the day that I will leave for the first time in my life I made a decision on my own and I chose to get out of my comfort zone and tackle my mental illnesses hard to be happy.
Its been enough. I had enough of hating myself while i have been through so much and still am going through a lot. I had enough of my family treating me this way but me still being so attached to them and being scared to leave the toxic environment.
Only God knows how sick I feel right now to leave but its my first step to happiness and healing.
I hope I can share this journey with you guys and people who have some tips and tricks please let me know. The love is needed as I really have no one around me to support me at the moment.
I am sorry for the stories being so messed up together its because I am writing through my emotions now but I promise I will keep you guys updated and will write in a more understandable way next time.
#Depression #Healing #Arthritis #BingeEatingDisorder #Anxiety #Toxic #PolycysticOvarySyndrome