onalityDisorder

Ya know, this very moment; existing as a mother, having loved through the past, a past that I can truly account having a collective memory at an unconceivable early age. So many things it's like placing together the most enormous quilt.

As I reflect, what is now, a mother of two girls, one 11, one 13. Most times I sincerely want to yank every strand of my hair out, theoretically. Still, trying to relegate their adolescent emotions, and keep my sanity in check....

Did I have supportive parents, no! Those two souls were already broken by their own minds. Did I have support of external family, no. I was literally kidnapped by my biological parents, and brought to the state I still reside in.

No, as a kid, I challenged each therapist whose office was so filled to capacity of degrees and certs., as a child my mind knew then, they wouldn't get it...so I challenged them... I truly wish I could've respected those hearts more.

So, how should I go about this, today? Should I sit, overwhelmed, should I stuff until my emotion spills out with rage?
Raising children these days, theirs such a great account; my mistakes affect their futures!

Ya know what, I think I should sit, my thoughts are even too radical, and they just begin to overlap, the more I entertain this idle mind.... Nope...
I think I'm gonna appreciate this opportunity ahead of me .. thinking about how far I've come; I know there's a purpose💜

Before I got clean and sober 2 years ago I never liked to listen to music. Music was the enemy for me. It was painful how it brought back painful memories. so imagine… switching the channel immediately out of fear, fear because every time I heard a song while I was using it brought me back to a time that I did something stupid to me. It brought back a memory of a time I embarrassed myself or hurt the people I love or abandoned people I love, like my daughter. I just stopped listening out of what feelings it brought up.. guilt, shame, pain and bad memories. However, when I got clean, things changed with music and it became part of my recovery. No more did it cause pain. In fact, it became essential for physical pain control and simply smiling, laughing and having fun. I even did an experiment to see if soft rock could get me through a root canal and it did! Music is everything to me now. It is always on. I am always dancing, signing off key and loving it. No longer do I feel emotional pain, shame or guilt. I don’t allow it to take me back to a painful memory, I only allow it to form a new memory. It is an amazing tool to heal a creature throughout and I could not live without it.
.#SuicidalThoughts #ChronicDepression #ChronicIlless

themighty.com/2022/02/emdr-therapy-help-heal-trauma-ptsd

#PTSD #CPTSD #Anxiety #SexualTrauma #ComplicatedGrief #StagesOfGrief #GriefWork #Grief #SexualAssault #ChildhoodAbuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #onalityDisorder #PTSD #Addiction #ThisIsMyBrave #AnorexiaNervosa #Broken #repressedmemory #Hope #WhereHopeGrows #IfYouFeelHopeless #Inspiring #triumph #bigwins #progress #Hope #PersonalGrowth #SomaticSymptomDisorder #SomaticSymptomandRelatedDisorders #PTSD #mystory #TheMighty #MightyStories #ExposureTherapy #Therapy #SocialAnxiety #SuicideLossSurvivor #Survivor #GettingHelp #gettingbetter #progress #greattherapists #storiesthatmatter #Meaningful #CheerMeOn #Warriornotworrier #Selfcare #Selflove #selfedteem #NegativeThoughts #PeoplePleaser #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #MentalHealth #MentalHealthResources #MentalHealthCare #MightyMoment #positivemindset #Overcomer #Sharing

Maybe I really am crazy. Everytime I feel like I'm loving with everything I've got I'm always left alone feeling sorry. Why do I have to be this way? Why do I push everyone away? Will I ever be good enough for someone to stay? Because I'm really tired of living life this way. I want to be happy for more than a day. I'm starting to understand why some chose death instead of waiting for fate, cause who the fuck wants to be sorry every day? I try so hard to replay my life. I promise you it's not a pretty tape.... And some memories I wish I could erase!!! But somewhere I've mixed love with hate, and I've been living life this way... Causing nothing but pain. I could sit here and throw around who's to blame.!! Because, honestly life is easier that way! But I'd rather die than continue this way. So here I am begging you to help me change. Show me the difference between love and hate because my whole life the two have been the same.....

Having problems getting my darn mind to slow down #unsettled #nervous #Cant sit still #Bipolar #onalityDisorder #PTSD #Bipola #Trauma #Healing

Ugh my doctor put me in a out patient program. Now I remember why I hate it so much. Well the ones that have been following me there was another medication change that brings the total to 6 in 3/4 weeks. I took a leave of absence from work per my doctor and my sponsor got me back of SSDI. Not sure what else to say other then I am beyond being frustrated. #BipolarDepression #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #dep #Depression #Anxiety #

No one cares why go on with life? #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #dep #Sucidialthoughts #Depression #AnxietyAttack #anixiety