scary

I hate you. I need you. Every inhale's you, each exhale... you. You're under my skin, in my head, and I can't get you out. You're the cathedral I'm unworthy to step into. You're the name I carved into my thigh, the taste I choke on, the reason I keep falling and breaking and begging for release.

Don't read this. Please. No, wait. Read it. Feel it. Feel me crawling toward you, desperate, ugly, used. Do you see what you've done to me? Do you care? Probably not. And maybe that's the point.

This isn't love. It's something darker, something messier. Something that keeps me alive while killing me at the same time. Go on. Take it all in. You've already taken everything else.

Fine. Go read someone else-- go find someone else to use. My poem is nothing to you the way I am nothing to you. I love it. I'm yours.

I'm the nothing that you lack.

Let me be with you.

WARNING:

This poem contains themes of self-harm, emotional distress, and intense imagery that may be triggering to some readers. Please proceed with care and prioritize your well-being while engaging with this content. I am 2010 years old. Keep that in mind as you read this.

Huff(her), Holl(her)

-

I'm gasping for air, but it's (her) name I'm huffing in.

I'm swallowing on (her) name like the way she smokes,

If only I could feel (her), touch (her), huff (her) skin.

I choke on the taste of (her), like the words she softly spoke.

I wasn't desecrated; I was the Golem in decay.

I wasn't contaminated; I was Persephone in descent.

A fragment in (her) mosaic, a disposable little puppy stray,

I'm ugly, nothing, disgusting, and she's heaven-sent.

I stand before the triptych of (her) beauty, unworthy to touch its frame.

I am the Masquerade of our collision catalyst.

I could never thank (her) enough, not even dare whisper (her) name–

Yet she dripped (her) essence into my world, the blessing of being used, the blessings of her scent.

Every inhale's you, each exhale, the return.

I'll pop you like Percocet, overdose to your name.

Every exhale's you, each inhale, intoxication burns.

Crawling, choking, begging, I'm breaking again.

So let me be immaterial,

Lie more than needed, it's ethereal.

I know my survival is, like, super boring, so,

If you see me as your little sister, then,

Let me ascend into a new low.

Disconnected through our parallel minds,

I'm fucking cursed by starvation,

In every way but the ones that keep me alive.

To think of (her) feels like blasphemy,

A vision my eyes were not made to see.

(Her) laugh is a cathedral, and I'm the desecrated altar.

(Her) scent is heaven, and I'm the maggot crawling toward it.

Are you aware of the control you have over me?

Your initial carved on my hip, licking my phone screen is something, yeah,

No leviathan within me, trust it, Juvenile, no duality,

I learned how to kill myself in girl-scouts; Xanax isn't sold for nothing, right?

So make me immaterial,

Lie like you lead; the hurt makes me feel.

I know my survival is , you know, too mundane,

If I'm your little sister, then break me again.

Ascend into my newest low,

Cursed by starvation in a way I've never known,

In every way but the ones that keep me alive.

Who the fugitive is might not be in facade,

You still never took accountability for what you caused...

It's still my fault, my pantomime is theoretical--

But that takes nothing away from how you used me in a way unethical.

This isn't love, it's lust, or the opposite.

Disgust? A need I can't quit.

Now that she's gone, what else is left for me?

Not a person. I'm not even real. Just debris.

You know what–

Fuck this shit. Fuck poetry.

I was everything to you, and you laughed and and lied

Behind my fucking back.

You lied over and over and over, but--

It's so hot to put myself down for you.

You are one of the worst people I met,

And I never wanted someone more

Every waking hour

Of my sad fucking life.

So let me be immaterial,

Lie more than needed, it's ethereal.

I know my survival is, like, super boring, so,

If you see me as your little sister, then,

Let me ascend into a new low.

Disconnected through our parallel minds,

I'm fucking cursed by starvation...

In every way but the ones that keep me alive.

She's something of an exhibitionist,

I'm trapped in a game of voyeurism.

(Her) false sense of immunity causes ambivalence,

But I'd thank you for (her) exhibition.

I carved (her) name into my thigh, bled devotion onto the floor,

Spit in my face, I'll drink it down, baptized by (her) disdain,

I want to kill myself; my fingers are moving so fast they're getting sore--

I'm nothing but an object, maybe a puppy, for you to degrade.

Whisper "You don't hate me; you just don't see me at all."

Baptized in disdain,

I rise –

Only to fall.

#raw #Poem #scary #BPD #Fp

Well it happened, I had a clot and I have been in the hospital for a week and I'm still here. I now realize that if something were to happen to me I would have to face it alone just like I'm doing now so I need to make plans for my dogs if this happens again. I have to be prepared.#scary

I've spent a lifetime of involvement in the Christian community, and though I believe in the "Christian values" I also know that I am not hetero, and that value system calls it sin. I have come out to friends, but to come out to my family terrifies me because of their judgemental attitudes. Suggestions?

🌷 #happythoughts .

I have been feeling #good today. It feels weird to be naturally #happy in moments where you think that there could be something to take it away soon. However, I learned that I am not going to let that #Happen to me. I will not let anyone #StealMyJoy today. 🌞 I know that I am #Blessed even in the #darktimes .

Everything is going to be OK when the storm passes. It may feel #scary right now, but it will pass through. There may be an aftermath, but take heart that you will not be alone in this.

I Am Here For You.

#BipolarDisorder #AnxietyDisorder
#PanicAttacks
#PanicDisorder
#distortedthinking
#Depression
#strength
#movingforward
#workinghard
#DealingWithGrief

Note : I have been a total shut in for 25 months , SINCE covid was announced--- DO NOT LIKE MASKES OR VACCINES!! #creepy #scary #notforme

So lately I've been feeling restless, HAVING VIOLENT FANTASIES!

I've been listening to mantras, Binaural , Isochronic tone vides on you tube TRYING to easy anxiety and aggression.

Trying to stop impulses to shop/ donate & pull out my hair still: I STOP A WHILE than pick it up again.

trying to motivate myself to stop smoking- RECENTLY went 43.0.0.5 days smoke-free. Then April 4th I started up again! put it down a few days between then and today.... Trying to cut out sugar---- so my roommate makes cake, jello, cheese cake for Easter. AND GETS ME AN Easter basket full of skittles, m&ms reese's carrots/2 reese's rabbits, mini candy bars. pixie stix and a six pack of cotton candy---That I now feel overwhelmed buy but obliged to eat!

I'm finding myself NOT WANTING TO HEAR/SEE TV. Not wanting to smoke. I get on and off the computer constantly trying to combat restlessness, irritability, habit cravings. WRITE IT OUT RELEASE! But this too is becoming something - SOMETHING of anxious addictive habit I should stop doing.. Bored of all I know how to do. Not really able to many physical chore activities with my CP.

What help you stay sane & motivated to change?

Mine is out of remission and hitting my lungs, skin and right eye. #Sarcoidosis ,#chronic pain,#new meds,#acthar gel injections,#scary

I woke up yesterday morning at around 5am. I was still lying ina very tight feral position on my right side with my head tucked in. I’d been in that position since I fell asleep 7-8 hours ago. As I ever so slowly started to move my incredibly stiff joints I felt a sudden sharp and intense pain go from the right side of the back of my skull through to the right side of my forehead. The more I moved the worse it became.

Just moving my eyes, blinking and slightly turning my head made it feel like my brain was melting. My scalp felt like it was far too tight to fit my skull and the back of my neck was so swollen and stiff.

Whilst trying my hardest not to move my head or my eyes very much I grabbed paracetamol, ibuprofen and Rizatriptan. I took each med with just a sip of water and immediately felt like I was going to projectile vomit. I added some Cyclizine to try and keep the nausea at bay. And then I slowly laid my head back on the pillow and waited. After about 20minutes the room stopped spinning, but it felt like my back of my head was being crushed and as sunlight started to stream through my window it only got worse.

I pulled the covers up over my eyes and waited some more. After two hours my head was still killing me and I was feeling sick again. So I took another Rizatriptan, per the instructions on the label. And I sucked on sugar free polos to help with the nausea.

After another 45minutes moving my eyes and head became just about bearable. I grabbed a can of Coke Zero that was near my bed and sipped on it so the caffeine in it could help lessen the pain, which works surprisingly quickly.

Finally, at 11:20am I noticed that the migraine was pretty much gone. It was a very scary and painful 6hours. Even today I’m still feeling incredibly nauseous. I’ve only been able to nibble at food and sip my drinks. That was definitely the worse migraine of my life.

#chronicillnesswarrior #POTS #EDS #BPD #NAFLD #InterstitialCystitis #Diabetes #Migraines #nausea #CRPS #painful #scary