Blindness

This post-op experience is a bit text book but doesn’t make it easier… I’m basically spending days by myself, doing loads of nothing, and taking care of my eye so it heals soon… it’s depressing.
In a way… I kinda regret the surgery, and I don’t know how to say it, it’s just that I never cared about having more vision, so spending days unable to live my regular life, with some amount of pain that’s getting better over time, having to take care of this eye… sometimes I kinda wish I didn’t go through, I know it’s an emotion based kind of feeling and very human, many people after necessary surgeries feel some amount of regret, but it’s temporary and I’m just waiting this time to pass.
Another emotional thing that’s been happening is that… although I usually appreciate being by myself, doing my own thing, usually in the dark… it sucks! Perhaps that’s because I cannot really do my own thing, because I have to be sure that my head stays lowered and I don’t want to risk accidentally forgetting to lower my head while on computer. - which for me is possible to use because screen readers!
So I’m spending my days basically doing nothing, being useless, by myself, in the dark because photophobia is extreme and cherry on top is that it got cold… which I don’t dislike, I actually really like the cold, but I usually like it because I can leave my house and do my daily activities with more energy and comfort… and I’m not allowed to do that right now, so I get depressed…
I want my life back… this eye is healing very well IMO, but I just want my life back and some human interaction sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes.
Also… on Monday the doctor told me to take a medication that messes with some electrolytes… he said if it got unbearable I could interrupt, and I will say that thing was evil, I felt completely fatigued. I would argue that I never felt so disabled, with all my disabilities and comorbities, like I felt with this med… my mum told me to interrupt and I did before yesterday and thankfully I’m starting to feel alive again.

Hi, my name is CarolynDeason3009. I'm here because I have experienced blindness in my later years.

#MightyTogether

I’ve had chronic pain for the past 18 years, and I’m finally learning how to speak up for myself and use accommodations so that my pain doesn’t have to flare every single day.

My mobility scooter was purchased a week ago. Reminder: I’m 28. 😂 So naturally, the number one thing I wanted to do was figure out how to make my scooter look a little less like it was made for an elderly person and a little more like it belongs to someone my age.

I got a stroller caddy that holds my phone, my Stanley, disinfectant wipes, extra medications, etc. I also upgraded the basket to a bigger one because when I use my scooter at work, I need it to hold my laptop—and the baskets that come with mobility scooters can barely hold a folder. 😂

Today, I already went on a less-than-quarter-mile, VERY slow walk to get my dog outside. Before the walk, my foot was at about a 7/10 pain. So, following my doctors’ instructions, I sprayed the crap out of my entire foot with lidocaine.
Mind you, the lidocaine spray only numbs my foot for maybe 10 minutes. So by the time my walk was over, I was back up to an 8/10.

I really need to go to the grocery store today to pick up some things I’m out of. I’m also visually impaired and don’t drive, so I usually walk to the store. I was thinking about trying to use my mobility scooter for the first time.

And I am SO nervous.

I know the doors at the store aren’t automatic, and I haven’t had any practice opening doors while navigating a mobility scooter. The store also ALWAYS has boxes in the aisles, so navigating around them could be challenging.

I also live alone, so I don’t have a partner who can come with me and help me figure out the challenges of using the scooter for the first time.

And, honestly, the last thing I want to mentally deal with today is someone making an unnecessary comment about how “young” I am to be using a mobility scooter.

So… any suggestions? Words of wisdom? Tips for navigating a grocery store on a mobility scooter? Or, most importantly, any witty responses you’ve used when people make comments about your age?

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #ChronicPain #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #HashimotosThyroiditis #Uveitis #Blindness #Glaucoma

In relationships, I’ve been told many times that I check off all the boxes (kind, compassionate, family-oriented, loyal, and so on). But the one box they never wanted in their life was chronic illness.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I feel like the world we live in needs to understand that literally anyone can develop a chronic illness at any point in their life.

For me, my chronic illnesses started showing up in childhood. So, in some ways, I’ve had a lot of time to learn how to cope, adapt, and figure out what life looks like for me and of course I’m still working on it.

But I don’t think people always understand that chronic illness isn’t something that only happens to certain people. Mental health conditions can appear at any point in someone’s life. Accidents happen. Injuries happen. Illnesses happen. Bodies change. Life changes. Someone can wake up one day and suddenly find themselves navigating a reality they never imagined for themselves.

Not all chronic illnesses are the same, but the emotions that come with receiving a diagnosis and knowing it’s lifelong can be surprisingly similar: grief, fear, anger, uncertainty, loneliness, and the feeling that you have somehow become a burden to the people around you.

But you are not a burden.

You and your chronic illness are not baggage.

Your chronic illness is a bouquet you get to carry every day. Sometimes we carry it gracefully. Sometimes our flowers are blooming. Sometimes they’re wilting, and we’re just trying to make it through the day.

And when they wilt, we don’t throw the bouquet away. We refresh the water. We tend to the flowers. We give ourselves the care we need and try again tomorrow.

Your chronic illness does not make you less worthy of love. It does not make you less deserving of a relationship, a career, friendships, adventures, or a beautiful life.

It is a part of your story, but it is not the entirety of who you are.

And maybe, with time, we can stop seeing chronic illness as baggage someone else has to carry and start seeing it for what it really is: a bouquet we’ve learned how to carry.

Sometimes with grace. Sometimes with both hands. Sometimes with a little help from a friend.

But we carry it.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Fibromyalgia #Lupus #Uveitis #Blindness #Glaucoma #ChronicPain #Anxiety #AnkylosingSpondylitis #Arthritis #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #HashimotosThyroiditis

So… I operated on Thursday! But my procedure was way more complex than expected, they had to reattach the retina but also fix a tear. There was a lot of detail, they took away my vitreous humour, put a silicone oil bubble in place so it can help the attachment.
But that complexity meant I had to stay under anaesthesia for longer than expected, so they made me stay overnight just to be safe and I came home yesterday. Today morning we had a scare, looked like it had detached again, and we went to the ER, perhaps it was just a scare because my eye is swollen, very swollen, if you like anime, think of Goku after being beaten swollen, and perhaps this swelling was what caused my field of view to get blocked similarly as if a retina detachment happened. So we will be back there on Monday to check it out just to be safe, and main instructions is to keep my head lowered and use eye drops. It will be ok!

So… I still didn’t have my surgery! On Saturday they texted us to tell us it’s postponed for Thursday. At least this time we didn’t go to the hospital and did all the process for the hospitalisation just for them to come and say it’s postponed, so I give them that!

My birthday is tomorrow, which was something I was laughing about because I was expecting I’d be in post-op recovery during it. It’s a bit ironic and comedic that it got postponed to the day after it, like if they knew and decided to allow me to have and enjoy my birthday without an operated eye, so I will enjoy indeed!

As for how I’m feeling about this surgery, that isn’t close to funny, I kinda feel that the doctors disregard how this situation affects my mental health. My mum said “but that’s how human medicine works, they put each category into a certain specialty and don’t touch it”, which is kinda true, they are only considering my eye, not my person.
But it really messes with my mind, I touch my eyes and my left eye is strong and firm, while my right eye is smaller, and squishy, due to the lack of intraocular pressure. I close my left eye, and all I can see is a tiny area of my central vision that still receives light and isn’t detached. And worse is that it has changed, so the retina, even if slowly, is detaching more.
Even if I try to be rational, it’s hard to not just feel this withdrawing feeling that I need to accept that I will lose that eye. Perhaps not the physical structure itself, but the vision. And I always say I don’t care about losing my vision, and look, I usually don’t. But I had a kind of comfort when I would think that being a Retina Dystrophy, I could retain light perception, now that comfort is gone, because being a retina detachment, if detached, I wouldn’t even have light to see. And that’s honestly not cool, and not so nice. As much as blindness doesn’t scare me, not retaining the light perception messes a lot with my mind, takes away that comfort of the possibility to turn on some light if I need a certain closure.
And another thing is that my retina has a lot of scar tissue already, they will need to cut off that scar tissue in the hopes they can reattach it, but they already said it will likely detach again. For the time being, I retain my left eye’s very limited vision, but it’s hard to be optimistic, even more considering my left eye was the one we expected to have more complications as it is a longer eye because of high myopia, both have it but the left is higher, and a captured IOL from my cataracts surgeries. So in the end… I have to always observe the early signs of a detachment, but it’s very likely the left retina to also detach, and my retina is still atrophying by some condition we weren’t able to figure out yet, and it’s going towards the need for a genetic panel, that likely costs over 10k BRL.

I went to the hospital, we made all the hospitalisation steps, and I didn't get the surgery because I take a medication ozempic style. I didn't take it for two weeks but the anaestheologist said he prefers that we wait another week so there's not much risk for reflux and bronchoaspiration. So I don't risk dying.
I was frustrated and stressed out about it but later it got fine, mostly the hardships of exhaustion and autistic burnout mixing there.
Funny thing tho, the ophthalmology doctor who'll operate my eye has the name Glauco, and I can't help but find it hilarious. Anyway, next Monday I'll be leaving my house at 5:00 AM to arrive the hospital at 7:00 AM and the surgery is scheduled for 9:00 AM.
Thanks everyone for the support and prayers, unfortunately it wasn't today, but let's hope it will be alright on Monday so we get this retina reattached.

I don't hope for vision, I just hope for not feeling pain, and for not losing this eye. I like my eyes and I honestly would feel very sad if I needed to switch this eye for a prosthesis. But I don't mind the vision loss in a practical sense, I just hate all the social deficits I face because of it, but that's on society, not me, and I play my part on trying to advocate for a more inclusive and accessible world.

So after being failed so much by the healthcare system to the point I almost lost my right eye beyond repair, I am finally getting some results. No diagnosis as to why I'm losing my vision though, but the alarming situation of having a retinal detachment. And I'll be getting the surgery to try to save my right eye tomorrow and gods I'm nervous.

I absolutely hate the idea of anyone beside myself to be touching my eyes, but if there's something I don't like even more is eye pain, I'm someone with chronic pain, but eye pain is the worst. And if this detachment wasn't found out, my eye would collapse, and my retina is hanging by literally a thread on the top of my eye, the eye pressure is dangerously low, and it's scary.

I don't hope for a better sight to be restored, I honestly don't care about my vision, I already live at least 90% of my life without using vision, so it only matters for things like gaming non-accessible games. So I already told the doctors that what matters is that they save the eye so I don't have to endure eye pain.

My birthday is on the 26th and the dark humour part of that is that I will have to spend my birthday looking at the floor. Wish me luck tomorrow!