control

#control ; #correct meds

When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

#Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

I've stayed home for the past 3 days

I lashed out at my therapist today and was real nasty. She even got frustrated herself. But I caused that

My friend got frustrated as they're trying to help me, but I just refuse to let them in

Trauma processing lead me down a bad path of realizations that I refuse to "heal"

I'm done with this fucking painful ass journey

And so with that I have failed

I have officially became an abuser

My hope is that this path of self sabotage, damage, and pain will lead me to taking my life

I'd rather be dead than to face this stupid journey

#Suicide #Abuse #control #friend

I wish my head would shut up. I can’t unravel it all and I’m so confused and tired of living this way. I understand I might be having a bad day, but this is so unbearable. I have no control over the thoughts and I understand that’s part of the problem, control, but I wish there was a moment of silence & an opportunity for me to rest. #OCD #control #PureO #Iwantpeace

My body was very harshly treated by me many years ago. From that experience, my body, the sum of its organs, was a separate identity from myself. I think it’s because I was such a traitor for deliberately harming myself (I attempted suicide) that I was forced to stop by way of drug addiction/recovery. But we always have a choice.

I recently had to start going to the chiropractor because I have two herniated disks. It is here that I’ve realized I have some serious triggers when I don’t feel in control. It’s not really from the doctor touching me. He’s really kind and understanding/stops if I need a minute. It’s bad when I have to do part of my treatment though.

There’s this part where they kinda have to strap you to a table to stretch your back out. The triggering part is mostly the strap that goes around my ribs. The hip one is less bad but being strapped at all starts to terrify me and I feel like I need to get out fast or something will happen. I think it gives me flashbacks but if I’m honest I don’t like looking at them so I choose not to if that’s makes sense.

The team has been so cool with it but I feel like a failure since I can’t control it how I want. I don’t have money to keep doing therapy right now so please don’t tell me I just need therapy. I do love my therapist though and look forward to returning when I can. Thank you guys.
#CPTSD #control #PTSD #AbuseSurvivors #Chiropractor