calm

So yesterday I saw my doctor. She changed my sleep meds and added a supplement dose to my other one to help me feel better. I took my new sleep medication for the first time last night and omfg I got 9.5 hours of sleep! I rarely get more than 4 hours a night usually. I woke up feeling so calm and serene. I don't know if it's the medicine, the sleep, or the fact it's my husband's birthday. All I know is I'm absolutely loving how I feel right now and I'm savoring it. #MentalHealth #calm #Insomnia

Instead of using 'The Mighty' to weep and moan. Maybe... just maybe...I can use this site to better myself. It wont happen today and I don't expect it to happen tomorrow but there was once "Hope".

My initial thoughts after the "incident" were feelings of relief and hope for the future. The relief was short lived but I managed to remind myself that there was "hope" for me.

The relief was important because it signified rock bottom. It was only up from there... The difficulty for me was that I had come from the top; I just didn't know it at the time. I was forced to rebuild my life and it was incredibly difficult.

I have been picking up the pieces for over ten years trying to clear my name. My old friends were not willing to forgive me and my new friends ditched me & left me broken. I knew I had to change my life and stop the anti-social & self destructive behaviour.

I started to rebuild my life one thing at a time. I was still miserable, bitter and angry. My parents were supportive but didn't have the tools to help me.

I didn't even recognise myself and I had to learn to love myself. I wish I had the insight to realise that the solitude was a blessing and an opportunity for self-reflection. Instead of doing the work and bettering myself, I locked myself up and threw away the key.

I thought time would heal my trauma. Time has provided separation and offered me the opportunity for reflection. Unfortunately, I did not take the opportunity and continued with the same negative outlook towards life. I continued to look for external gratification to fill the void although I finally made the conscious decision not to go back for more punishment.

It's now time to start working and bettering myself. Learning new techniques and attending therapy to work through my anxiety, depression & self-loathing.

I am ready to start healing and setting myself up for the future. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and want more out of life. I want genuine friendships & relationships without the need for alcohol and substance abuse.

It's going to be a long and difficult road but I am now willing to start the process of piecing myself back together little by little.

#Hope #future #Depression #Sadness #sad #up #down #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friends #Connections #Family #reputation #Respect #Love #calm #peace #Spiritual #Anxiety #grateful #live

I lost a friend.Not by death.He said to walk.Ive traumatized him because of my own cptsd.Im in treatment and therapy.This person picked me up at my lowest.Called almost daily for weeks.Two years later with multiple diagnosis.But for months now, hurled insult after insult at me.When questioned why?He explodes.Then I rationalize and stay friends.I spent two years confiding,venting,crying,laughing and encouraging him for years prior.We had an appreciation for eachother at one point.I showed him my most vulnerable truths.I never imagined,at my age, someone would say the things he has said.He defends how much he cares for me but won't take accountability for making believe I had support from him.He stopped asking about my life or health.Minimum contact other than txt.I stopped asking about future plans as friends.He Let me know how wonderful the other women in his life were.After saying he's too busy for me.On three occasions,he tried being spontaneous to meet up.I called him on it.Said yes.Where are you! He would Immediately change plans.fit me into a two or three weeks routine.Rushed over a coffee and hour of his life.Telling me over and over how he has no time.His stressors and triggers on full display because I trigger him he say.it took almost a year to see his masks drop.The past year was embarrassing to watch.Munipulation is very transparent to a person whos lived it from childhood on.to a fault.Even with candor and grace,people do not like to admit it.I ask and value the truth at all times from people in my life.I have had to learn everyone lies to a degree.Including myself.I feel and see the motive and intent.it is sad to watch someone blatantly try to set you up,deny,backtrack,
project and blame.I'm no longer putting that expectation on those closest to me.I know so much more than I show.my silence before was for others protection.I have to look out for myself first and only.I have my son and my spouse.A friendship.A loyalty.love of my life.We still have our stories and how it started.A journey.We didn't go out of our way to hurt eachother meanness.We protected eachother.Pick the other up when needed.We made a home.A safe home for everyone.We might be passively aggressive at times.We still have a fight for eachother.Once ego falls.We laugh.And can laugh at eachothers lives.We lived it together.He would never say those things out of anger.my enemies would never say those things.
Instead of expressing how he felt and why.it is over.I realized he didn't want the friendship and had been trying fir a long time to get me to end it.I kept hoping I had a real friend, like me.I am sensitive not weak.I have endured too much despair in a short time.I wont be screamed at.I wont be belittled or disrespected with name-calling or insults of my family.The arragance,to deny ones owns faults to a friend, sets the other to question All intent.What is an apology if its not real.Its a lie.it shows intent to hurt the other again and again.There is no win.no one is spared in his rage towards me.

#Anxiety is #crippling in many ways we wouldn’t think related.
You may lose your #Appetite and eat very little, but after eating just a bite of bread, you might feel #sick . #nauseous .

#trembling and #feelingweak can also be attributed to #Anxiety .

If you’re feeling #unwell , or #anxious , or perhaps don’t know you’re suffering with #Anxiety , see a dr. It’s a horrible state to be in.

I hope this helps. Try to stay #calm , diminish noise,

Back in the day,

We used to play outside till dawn

Now, we're just another government pawn

Back in the day,

We used to live, laugh & grow

Now, we are forced to work our asses off bro

What is this shit? (mind my language)

Death is a trap to try and get us to submit?

As kids, we couldn't wait to be adults

Now, I reflect and I am like that was truly nuts!

The days when we could cry and be comforted

Childhood turned to adulthood and those days plummeted

Now, we're struggling to make ends meet, Who would have thought, childhood was only a treat

But it's life,

So put away that knife

It is what it is -

God is good, all is his

Better days are ahead

So, go and continue to chase that bread!

#Life #resilience #NeverGiveUp #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #Selfharm #selfharmawareness #strength #courage #bravery #Independence #freedom #freedomwriters #useyourwords #expression #expressyourself #creativity #Deep #deepthinkers #bold #Spirituality #Meditation #Spiritual #calm #Zen #gowiththeflow #liveinthepresent #loa #TheSecret #manifest #manifestation #Positivity #PositiveVibes #GoodVibes #vibes #Energy #YouCanDoIt #Believe #Hope #Care #Empathy #compassion