When I’m depressed the emotions can be overwhelming. I often just want to go back to bed, pull the sheets over my head & hide. I don't feel social at all, I just don't want to be around other people. I feel like everyone will see my pain or know I'm hurting. I don't want sympathy, I definitely don't want extra attention. I just want to hide. I want to be at home where no one can “see” me. In a weird way I just want to stay depressed, so I don't do anything that would make me feel better. I've had friends say “Why can't you tell me how you feel?” “If you're around people it will make you feel better.” “You need to push yourself and get out”
If they only knew how hard it is in those moments! It’s so easy to say I need to get out around people and not isolate, but it’s so hard to do. I JUST WANT TO RIDE IT OUT! I know myself, and how painful it can be to put on a fake smile, put on a brave face, to hide and mask my feelings. These seem like insurmountable goals and I know how much it has hurt to try these things in the past.
So what can I do to help myself: sometimes I journal, watch a funny movie, listen to upbeat music, or eat a favorite meal and ALLOW myself time and space until I feel better and the fog has lifted. I TRY to go out for a walk, but just the thought of getting dressed and venturing out can seem insurmountable. I try to call family or friends, to be open and honest about how I’m feeling...to ASK FOR HELP! But this has backfired in the past. People don't know what to say, worst of all I feel like a burden. Then sometimes they give advice that seems so insensitive! They want to help, but I often feel it makes things much worse.
So I don't talk about it, I don't call those family and friends who care about me because I feel transparent, like they will see right through me and know my pain. I just stay at home, lonely, sad, feeling weak & depressed. I have learned that if I do avoid other people, it can actually help. The stress of having to try too hard is lifted and takes one layer of worry away. I have learned that I just have to tell myself that these feelings will pass, that I’m Bipolar & this is just my down cycle. I allow myself to be unproductive & try desperately to not judge myself.
But there is the ever present battle. I know that I should push myself through, that I should go out, that I should ask for help, that I should try to resurface from my pain by being active, even just sitting on my balcony and get some fresh air if I can’t push myself to walk. Yes, I SHOULD do all these. I know on some level they will help and hopefully my depression will clear sooner. But these are really hard things to do when I’m depressed and I usually give in and I ride it out. I have learned that this is ok. That I’m not a failure and weak. I have learned what has worked for me in the past is to do nothing while I wait for my head to clear!
Moshe Adler
June 20, 2017
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