I’m undiagnosed but I feel like I have social anxiety. Many, many times in the past I have been in group settings or in a social space with people that I am unfamiliar with and just completely shut down. It’s not out of choice. I’m literally in my head SCREAMING at myself to speak but at the same time I feel totally alone, isolated, trapped, tired, drained, judged, worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. I feel out of place and very overwhelmed. In recent years after quarantine, this problem has seemed to lessen as I realized that much of the reason for this feeling was my own lack of self confidence and self love. I thought little of myself so why wouldn’t anyone else think little of me as well? All through quarantine I worked on it and walked out a new person, Now I am much more social in group settings and I don’t really care or even think about anything going wrong when I speak; but today? Today I attended a school event where there was food, music, loads of people, and good vibes. I assume that it’s because I attended this event alone that those feelings of being overwhelmed all flooded back. I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with being alone but I overestimated how much having one person I’m comfortable with truly makes a difference in how public and social events such as this affect me. I’m usually able to just latch onto an aquaintance for a sense of comfort but today there were only 2 peoples’ presence that could’ve made a difference and they didn’t come. To everyone at the party and to anyone in the past, my behavior at this point looks purposely standoffish. ESPECIALLY to my mother! But even today when I told her that I was overwhelmed, she heard what I said but didn’t comprehend what I was saying. Her first instinct is always “what happened, did anything happen?” Instead of “are you okay, what are you feeling?”. Even with those alternative questions it’s hard to truly vocalize what this feels like to people who don’t experience it, especially in households where they don’t take mental health seriously and instantly sub categorize your feelings into something less meaningful like “tired” or “lazy”. And it’s ultra annoying when they try to compare their experiences to yours when you know it’s not the same. I’m not putting down anyone else’s experiences but the anxiety that comes with hyperventilating, shaking, intrusive thoughts, crying, extreme worry, and hopelessness is VERY different from simply being nervous in a stressful situation. (I only say this because my dad often tries to match my level of anxiety which causes him not to understand the severity of what is going on in my head)
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