Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

The journey has gotten interesting in the last week, read my post The Paradox for the backstory, and I find my mind is just brimming with thought at the moment and thought begs to be written down when it occurs.

Yesterday, of my own accord, I started reading the book The Healthy Compulsive: Healing Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and Taking The Wheel of the Driven Personality after discovering that this condition has been the major source of all the suffering in my life. The author, Gary Trosclair, is a licensed psychotherapist who treats people with OCPD and happens to suffer from traits of this condition as well. He is the “subject matter expert” and that carries a lot of weight with me. Who better to guide me on my journey than someone who has walked the same road?

Like many things mental illness, OCPD is a spectrum and where you fall on the spectrum dictates how mild or severe of an illness you experience. For me, taking a quick peek back at the shitshow of the last 40+ years I would say I am in the deep end of the pool. We all have to start someplace, rather it be brutal honesty than ignoring the issue like I have for the all of my life, this is rock bottom after all nowhere to go but up.

“ Trying to stay on the healthy end of the spectrum has required me to create, in an ongoing way, a map of my psyche, one that extends far beyond the territory of the conscious and controlling ego. This map includes personality parts that become more helpful as they become more conscious. My professional training as a psychotherapist and Jungian analyst has included a wide-ranging study of different perspectives that have also helped me map this inner territory, revealing still more of the sources that drive all of us, for better or worse.” The Healthy Compulsive Preface IX, Gary Trosclair

The whole preface is actually quite profound, but far too long for me to quote it, this piece however is what has sparked my imagination in a new way, in a way that I haven’t ever considered and that’s what I want to present.

I love mindmaps. Makes sense right? I’m a driven person, perfectionist dad, like order, like lists. I like lists so much I make lists of lists. Trust me it’s as bad as it sounds. A mindmap is nothing but a very detailed list. If you have never heard of a mindmap here is a simple

Example:

First you start off with a topic, for simplicity let’s say I want to mindmap making breakfast. I take a page of paper I draw a circle in the center and I write “Breakfast” in the circle. Then I start to map out everything that I would need to make breakfast. This would involve drawing other circles for the things I may need and then linking them to “Breakfast”.

Breakfast

Food -> Eggs

Cookware -> Frying Pan

You get the idea. It’s a map of a logical process and everything thats involved in that process. For complex tasks, such as working in IT for 20 years, mindmaps can be invaluable for revealing blind spots or weaknesses in a design.

So this is where is gets really interesting. What would happen if I actually tried to map out my mind like the author suggested? It’s not clear from what I have read so far if he is be literal or metaphorical, but lets just say for the sake of argument he is being literal. What would that actually look like? What would going through that process uncover? The whole idea of this is, to be cliché, is blowing my mind.

I have used the analogy of my mind as an office before, usually bombed out from all the trauma and me now with the job of going through the debris and salvaging my life. I don’t think that analogy fits anymore. I think my mind is more like a warehouse that is piled with rows and rows of boxes. Some of these boxes have never been opened, others are well worn from use and still others the rats have gotten into and torn them to shreds or they have been damaged by rot or mold. The truth is that I don’t know why some of these boxes are here, whats in them, why some are unopened, why some are damaged. I have never taken the time to look. Maybe I have been too afraid to? Now, I just want to know. It’s like I need to know. This makes sense on some level because I don’t know who I am. Who I am has to be somewhere in these boxes, the unopened ones.

Part of me is wondering if this is going to be an exercise in flying too close to the sun with waxen wings like Icarus and the other part of me is thinking that the only way I can truly understand the world is if I choose to leave Plato’s Cave. Either way I think it’s too late to turn back at this point, I am well down the rabbit hole, the bottle labeled “drink me” is empty, long since discarded, and I’m racing to have tea with a rabbit, a mouse and a crazy fellow in a fancy hat.

#Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsivePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth

So I just got done writting about the 4 choices you have to solve any problem, which is not what I was planning on writing about on this cold winter morning in South Eastern PA. It’s been an tumultuous 2025 so far and I think, even though its only 3 weeks into the year that its time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Life with BPD is my most difficult struggle. Yes the depression and anxiety are significant factors as well, but its the BPD that really gets those things spinning at full tilt. Nothing says depression and anxiety like a little insecurity, self-hatred, and poor-self image and a sprinkle of abandonment issues. But lets be clear it starts with the BPD for me.

As I started this year what I was left with from 2024 was a huge crater where the latest BPD bomb dentonated and just utter disgust and dissapoinment in myself. As I have written about before this was rock bottom, no question about it. Any further down and I would be playing poker with Satan himself.

Looking back now 3 weeks in, each day has been a new experience a pain that is deeper than any I have ever known in the past. I have spent hours in sobbing, praying, cryin out to God, reading, journaling, talking to people, confessing my sins, making amends, anything and everything I can possibly do to make things right. I wish it were all that simple. It’s not. There is no simple fix to this. Sure God could heal me, but he won’t. Before anyone gets upset that I said that, let me explain. I’m a Christian, love God, do my best to follow him, fail more than I succeed but try and get back on the horse each time. I know enough about God to know that he could heal me this second, but he won’t because that’s not the way he works. In all things God works in his time, by his plan and his purpose. I may not understand it, not now, not ever, but where I am right now today is where I am supposed to be regardless of how painful it is.

I spent the last 24 hours hearing a lot about myself from someone I hurt. As things go I think that death by 1000 paper cuts sums up the experience pretty well. I don’t know about you, but growing up with parents that had nothing very kind to say to me doesn’t lend itself to hearing about the sins of the last 10 years. Even so, the ones we hurt have a right to speak and we have a responsibility to listen. It’s in the listening that I discoveredsomething. It didn’t happen right away but hours later.

It’s always been hard for me to hear about my mistakes, my shortcomings, my failures. Mom and Dad did a great job at drilling them into me at a young age to the point that failure isn’t an option. Or is it? The reason I can’t take criticism has nothing to do with the people in my life, but the people who raised me. Those people also didn’t know how to take criticism and were pretty fucking misearable, do I really want to carry on their legacy? Everyone makes mistakes its how we learn. I have been making a lot of the same mistakes again and again and again. Like the kid who needs to find out first hand if the stove is hot. Do I really need to keep doing that? No, I don’t.

My mother is 80 years old and just tried killing herself twice in the last year. I haven’t spoken to her in 30 years. I know what kind of pain I am in, to be 80 years old and wanting to die, I can’t even imagine living an entire life with that much pain and that deep. Thanks, but no thanks.

So this is the take away, the perspective if you will. Yeah, I have done some pretty horrible things as a result of my mental illness. Some I was unaware of, some fully aware of. If I never forgive myself I will stay rooted here forever and maybe in 30 years I will be trying to end my life like my mother. If I accept that these things are part of my tapestry, threads, not the whole, and that today in a new day and that I can and will do better, I don’t have to keep repeating them. I may not know how to forgive myself or love myself or even feel good about myself, but I think its time I actually started to try.

Marsha Linehan the creator of DBT once said that there are only four possible choices you have to fix any problem. Yup, just four. So lets find out what they are.

The first one is simple, when faced with a any problem you solve it. Ok, so that is the answer, but we all know its not that simple sometimes. However, the reality is still true. You do what you have to do solve the problem no ifs ands or buts. Just get er done. Logistically this can take time, effort and money depending on the problem, but the point is you make the commitment and you solve the problem.

Ok so you are faced with the problem and solving it is not feasible for whatever reason. Too much time, too much effort, too much money, not enough resources, whatever. You can’t solve it. Let’s say the problem is person you work with and you have exhausted all avenues you just have to work with them regardless of how difficult it may be. Enter option two. Get a new perspective on the problem. When life gives you lemons make lemonade. Clearly this isn’t the easiest thing to do. I worked with a guy who was insufferable. Always combative, drawing out meetings with questions that were just meant to irritate people and totally uneccesary. He was not a people person, but he was good at what he did and that was the key to leverage him as an asset to the team. Did it take extra work? Yeah it did. Was it a total pain in the ass? Yes it was. But it was worth the effort of changing perspective for the team to reach the goals it had set.

So now you have tried to solve the problem and you can’t, you looked for a new perspective and there isn’t any, whats left? Acceptance. I know…acceptance…great. Or in DBT parlance Radical Acceptance. As skills go, this has to be one of my least favorite. No one wants to accept that a situation is unresolveable, and yet sometimes that is what we are faced with. There is a secret here thought, one that’s subtle. On the flip side of the coin labeled acceptance is a side labeled resistance. It’s not the acceptance of reality that causes the pain, its the resistance, the unwillingness to accept that causes the pain. I’m pretty sure everyone has said at one point or another “This isn’t how things were supposed to turn out.” It’s this resistance to reality that creates emotional pain. You may not want to say that “this is the way that things are.” but when you do, you have just freed yourself from it and in doing so you may have opened up an avenue to actually addressing the problem by either fixing it or getting a new perspective on it. All it took was a little letting go.

The final option actually requires the least amount of effort. Do nothing and remain misearable. Sadly, in my life, I have chosen this option more times that I would care to admit and then bemoaned my miserable life.

So now you know your options when faced with any problem.

Here is a link to the full article to get the most bang for your buck: Got a Problem? The Good News Is You Only Have Four Options

Now let go solve some shit!

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When we think of the word parent, more specifically mothers, what image do you conjure up?

I envision someone who is unconditionally supportive, warm, compassionate, understanding, nurtering, curious, gives a lot of praise, is fun. empathetic, open to new ideas, flexible, have good boundaries, and values their children for who they are and not specifically for what they do. They value their chidlren’s authenticiy and personality.

mothers with OCPD are: detached, cold, rigid, strict, dismissive, abrasive, hard, critical, judgemental, find it hard ot have fun. have little to no empathy, give little praise, and are controlling/domineering. They see the child to be valued only on how successful they are or how much they achieve. The child is a carbon copy, .the next gen of whoever their parents are. Autonomy and independence of the self or self expression is frowned upon.

So often these childre think they’re not good enough and aren’t valued for who they are. The children of said parents often feel like a burden on their parents. They are often subtly told as chidlren, to shut up and go play in the corner, or to go away because ‘mommy’s busy’.

These adult children are then compelled to subconsciously prove theselves in life: i pursuing top level positions in careers ie. CEO, becoming famous in some way and becoming high earners. *Often at the cost to health, relationships, mental welll being, and over-all life satisfaction

The cause of OCPD is a mix of gentics and traumatic environments that the person with OCPD grew up in.

Children who have OCPD parents can relate to these ten things

1. dinner table talk is all about work, work work. How much work they have t odo. What work plans they have. What their coworkers are doing at work. How said coworkers aren’t pulling their weight. Politics, the weather, the eocnomy, technology, and other big mind topics are good and fine too.

But Art? celebrities? pop culture? fashion? creatiivty/imagination? Humanitarian efforts/ eco-consious ideas? that’s so boring.

2. Vacation is like the above. Work may be brought on vacation. Work related stuff like workshops or conferecnes may be part of the vacation journey itsefl. Work mau be the pinnacle of car ride conversaitons. The worries aren’t about flat tires or the price of gas so much as the back to work stress. They worry how much work they’re missing out on, isntead of focussing on enjoying themselves and the people. they’re with.

3.. Rigid ways of doing tasks (things have to be done with certain steps, things have to be folded a certain way, etc). The end goal of just cleaning up or putting things away is lost in the process. They do not like to delegate tasks to others, because they want it done the way they do it. Often they over burden theselves by doing this!

4. hoarding stuff/stocking up on stuff like it’s the year 2000 and everyone thinks everything’s going to shut down completely.

But nothing did and now they have all this stuff and spent all that hard earned money on stuff that will be kept in storage or thrown out…

5.They ‘love’ working

6. Cheap presents for brithday/Christmas. If you want an expensive item, they’ll get you something cheaper. or something you didn’t want If you’re a little older and want a gift card to a store you freqeunt, they’ll give you cash. It’s never what you exactly want, it’s always what they are willing to give.

7. Money is treated like a sacrilige. There’s hardly any quality indulgence. Goods and services are bought for the cheapest price possible. Often

8. Resting or taking time for self care is seen as being ‘lazy’ or ‘unproductive’. People with OCPD view others who don’t do as mcuh as they do in this way.

9. They’re always stressed/anxious because they’re doing so much at once. Children feel like they’re walking on eggshells around these parents. They re waiitng for the other shoe to drop. ‘Just one more thing I have to do!’ is often the motto for these parents. Often these chidlren grow up to have chornic illnesses because their nervous systems are on high alert, jsut waiting or the boiler to break or the car to break down and mom and dad to over react/rage.

10. They’re always unsatfied with the status qou. You have to go higher, aim bigger, do more. There’s no room to be ‘average’. Perfectionism sets in and these adult children are trained to never be satsified with their life. They go to extremes, often times resulting in burn out or chronic illnesses.

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