Historically, factually and experientially jinx, disaster, misery, failure and worse have been embedded into my very ‘being’. I attempt to bring myself into a reckoning, very ‘agentially’ in my job, love, family and friendship I get repeatedly run over and humiliated or invalidated, often in certain vicious intensity. Even routine and daily interfaces like just going to market, driving somewhere, just being in the house invites misery, friction, attrition and a real sense of major disaster always being round the corner. Misfortune and disaster follows me like a shadow. Such remarks I make today looking back over the last 50 years and more and not merely in certain momentary despondency. The jinx is palpable and many friends themselves have said so and certainly imply so by maintaining distance and avoiding my company lest (as it appears) they themselves be afflicted by my persistent ill luck. My misery is so pronounced that people fear it being contagious and my negativity apparently affects them. I yet attempt dreading complete loneliness put a facade of normality and this to the very few friends I thought would be more helpful, supportive and understanding without either having to ‘perform’ either my positivity and negativity. Their coldness more than bordering on indifference has been devastating.
Aspiring for some love, pleasure, validation and general sense of self worth & well being is what confers certain dignity to a human life and makes for a respectable life. Of course i have not been a saint and guess there were unedifying ugly sides to me too but this…?
So badgered with such misfortune and horrible fate has meant complete disenchantment and loss of meaning. It also means extreme sense of anxiety fearing what and how deep the next slashing is going to be and where? Will something horrible happen to my dog? will my gadgets crash, get stolen and I get cut off from my main window to the world ? will i fall down and break my bones and worse incapacitate me permanently and confining me to bed? I’m alone, left by my wife ( whom i still love dearly) don’t have family or friends and at the moment the only being i can call my own is my aging and sick (and very self involved perhaps understandably) mom and my dog Mily which makes me feel good but with my wretched narrative arc, that’s precisely why i’m scared .
All this may sound silly and stupid. I’m on medication and counseling but when matters so objectively speaking conspire against you, at the level of everyday and in certain painful regularity what much can they do? some advise being positive, being in the moment and deep breathe…they don’t give. They sound insulting and further denying me the kind of agency i still possess. I have yet taken risks in the past, more as the right thing to do but today feel punished for doing so many morally, noble things and not in the least being punished so severely and horribly for few trivial stupidities and pettiness, but the latter is something yet being so common to most of us. I never gota chance leave alone second or third chances. God no less, certainly appears to be part of this conspiracy against me and punishing me for bringing myself to bear on this world! I embody sin to bring such wrath both from the divine and sundry?
what certainly would give is putting an end to my misery is putting an end to myself ( and my dear dear Mily too 😢)
#Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts #checkonme #Loss #Grief #Depression #panic