self-harm recovery

It’s said that men’s mental health can be a silent killer. 75% of suicides in Canada are by men. The subject seldom comes up in conversation. Media outlets make it a topic during Men’s Mental Health Month, held in June, I had to look it up.

It seems to me the best way to tackle a problem is to jump right in and start a conversation. 2017 after my accident I experienced a deep depression that was acerbated by the struggles with insurance companies. I found myself having thoughts of suicide but not just of hurting myself I wanted to bring attention to what I saw as an injustice by the insurance companies. I saw my life insurance policy as the last option to support my family.

I did see a psychologist. Our talks did help. At that time I didn’t open up as much as I should have. Feeling defeated and worried that if exposed too much I would be hospitalized. I didn’t reveal that the thoughts I had were actually plans.

There is our problem, the inability to open up. Pride, shame, likely it goes back to our inability to ask for directions. If we were able to ask for direction, maybe we could find a way to receiving the help we needed.

A psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of persistent depressive disorder with anxious distress. I was prescribed antidepressants to help even out my day.

Eventually, after two years I stopped having those thoughts. My anger with the insurance companies did not go away. It was no longer the front of my mind. There were times and there still are, mostly when I am alone, that I will fixate on them and the pain and anger comes to the surface again.

For a couple years everything was going well. I found an outlet for my anger and frustration through writing. I published my first book and had completed my second due out soon.

Out of nowhere the thoughts came back. What was the trigger, I could not say. The only thing that had changed was that there had been an increase in my headaches. More frequently and more severe. I was given a new medication to help with the headaches. The new thoughts started after I started the medication. The medication has no expected side effects of suicidal ideation. Taking a break from the medication has not stopped my thoughts from coming. They are now less violent but still there.

The biggest concern I have is that when I had thoughts of suicide in the past I wanted to expose the injustice by the insurance companies and to provide a financial support for my family. The thoughts this time have none of that attached to them. The only concern is to complete the task and how best to insure that it happens.

The first thought came to me while sitting on the deck with my dog. The sun was warm on my face and this violent thought comes over me. The thought became consuming. There was a deep sadness that came over me.

That afternoon I talked to my wife and let her know I was having thoughts. She talked to our grown children and they put a plan together. I was not going to be left alone. We played games, I sat through study sessions and we shared conversations.

A antidepressant was added, temporarily until a referral to the psychologist goes through.

I also contacted a local community health clinic for a counselling program. After my initial consultation a counselling plan was made.

Talking and being open about my mental health has come easier as time has gone on. Over the past few years I’ve been able to join in with a group of people that have survived brain injuries. They are very open about their own experiences. I had never given it much thought but they have had a positive impact on my acceptance of my new life.

Start a conversation, ask for directions.
Do you have a minute to talk, I think I need some help? There is no shame in asking for directions.

When is the best time to start a conversation? When your person says hi. When you connect on the phone, sitting down to eat, out for coffee.

Start the conversation. It is better to know that you needed help and asked than to hear you kept to yourself and you will be missed.

This time I have to focus harder on the important things in my life, the most important things that keeps me from completely a plan in the darkness. My family, their future, my future, being there tomorrow for them.

Having all of these plans in place has not stopped the thoughts from creeping in. The plans will give me tools to work through these days. Maybe I could have found my way out of the darkness again on my own. It is easier to walk the path when you are not alone. #SelfharmRecovery #BrainInjury #Recovery

Trigger warning: This poem contains depictions of past abuse and trauma. If you are sensitive to this line of topic, please do not read further then thie message. Your mental health is more important than the poems.

Hope you enjoy.....

.....

It is hard

Being my authentic self

Pressured to keep bad company

Despite affecting my mental health

What can I do?

No matter how

Hard I try

You'll always

Accuse me telling a lie

This is ridiculous

It feels as if

I am in a circus

The goal-post always changes

Without my acknowledgment

It is because I am “defective”

with “poor judgement”?

You insinuate that I cannot do

Anything without proof

But act differently towards others

And not aloof

Double standards reveals

True colours of an individual

Putting on a show

Or a facade

Yet, when I disagree

Your resentment would grow

Like a mustard tree

Taller than most houses as it seems

Deeply rooted onto the ground

Similar to my broken self-esteem

There are days

Where I cannot go on

And pretend anymore

Wearing a mask to please others

But what is this all for?

I desire to be seen

As clear as a crystal ball

Not to be treated poorly

Fate can be truly abysmal

My other siblings

Are treated with respect

One can even speak German

But with me?

I am seen as less

Than a vermin.

Being infantilized

Is one of the worst

Feeling ever

A disability

Does not suggest

you are less clever

Yet, here you are

With hatred and ableism

It is all you have

Might are well

Abuse me years ago

Does that ring a bell?

I have been battered,

Punched, spat and choked

By a loved one

But everyone find this to be a joke

Typical

Why am I not surprised anymore?

It is hard

Finding my voice through expression

As I am sinking in deep depression

When given a chance

To form words

I am ignored

Like a flock of mocking birds

A wise man told

Me this once

Blood is not thicker the

Water he said

Trusting the wrong people

Is what most dread

Sometimes I wish

I was never born

In a world

Where outcast given a

cold-shoulder or scorned

#MentalHealth #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Depression #Loneliness #Anxiety #MightyPoets #Selfcare #Trauma #ChronicFatigue #Neurodiversity #SocialAnxiety #SelfharmRecovery #Grief

TRIGGER WARNING: This poem contains sensitive topics such as suicidal ideations, mental health and anxiety. If you cannot handle such sensitive imagery, please do not read further than this message. I am receiving professional help at the moment and recovering from suicidal ideations. This poem is just me expressing my pain.

Hope you enjoy.....

......

As I lay on my side

Questioning my existence

After life’s crazy ride

Struggling to make sense of things

Why am I lost

In my own dark thoughts?

Am I in the wrong?

My fives primal sense

Once was active, clear and robust

Now is nothing more

than a shallow husk

Each day gets harder

To leave my bed

Pondering “Perhaps

I would be better off dead.”

Am I in the wrong?

The lights are on

But no one is there

As I reach out for help

No person seems to care

Am I in the wrong?

Whilst in social settings

My mask often tightens the grip

In hopes of never being discovered

Yet, when I snapped

It’s harder to be recovered

Although I may not appear it

I am a freak

With a wounded spirit

Who needs deep healing

Am I in the wrong?

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #MightyPoets #Loneliness #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Neurodiversity #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Selfcare #SelfharmRecovery #SocialAnxiety #ablelism

#SuicideAttemptSurvivors #suicidal #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery #MentalHealth

I got some shii goin on in my head rn I thought I was getting better, things are getting worse I am at my lowest and it feels like the year just started. I cant think my mind is jumbled, perhaps all i am looking for is an escape from this harsh reality growing up suicidal is kinda weird cuh i didn't think id still be alive rn so idk what im supposed to do with my life or where im going because i never planned on being here for it. i tried commiting suicide the other day and i aint ever doing that shit again (hopefully). i almost fricking killed myself. Anyways, suicide is not a joke it should be taken more seriously than it is. It is just as important and a sprained ankle same with a broken arm. Suicidal thoughts never truly "go away" we just find something to distract ourselves with. I am scared of my mind. But i think ill be okay. Love everyone and anyone taking the time to read this. Hey before you go.

answer this:

Before i die i want to_______________

for me

Be the person i am meant to be and have that be enough.

I'm freaked out. My friend wanted me to hang out today, and I delayed it until this evening, but I still don't want to go, but I don't want her to hate me if I cancel, and in my head I know she won't hate me but she'll be disappointed and that's even worse. I already bailed out of a different obligation, which was the excuse I gave her for not being able to come over as early. I am low on money, and my sister needs me to fly out and visit her because she's having a hard time, she wants to have kids but can't yet and she's depressed and I'm worried about her but I'm also depressed! I have a package coming that I'm super excited about, it was supposed to be here Friday but got delayed, and now the website is down so I can't track it or see when it gets here and that makes me more sad which is stupid I'm so focused on physical things. The only happy note is I finally broke my record, and am 78 days clean. #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery #Depression #Anxiety #ADHD #ADHDInGirls

Today is a tough day.

I now have more lines on my arm. A darker feeling within me. An emotional feeling mixed with anxiety and shaky hands.

I am so tired of feeling down and silent and alone.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Addiction #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery

Hi Mighties..it’s been a while—with stress at work and stress from someone who I thought was my bestest friend, and then my health has not been quite well lately..it’s just been a whirlwind for me..tonight being the peak of the iceberg..

I was having a conversation with who I thought was my best friend (the “guy friend” who I spoke of many many times before). I started crying over things I felt, how I felt about him, etc. Forgot what triggered it..but then He goes to me, almost in a nasty tone and says , “you need to stop crying..I told you this is how it is” etc etc. I then tried to explain why I was crying, to try and clarify it and he almost didn’t want to hear it. It was almost like he went from being caring to downright nasty. He goes, “you don’t understand—stop crying, pull yourself together” then twists it all about him about how screwed up his life is, then proceeds to tell me things I didn’t even know— yet he always claimed he never held anything back from me and always told me “everything”. I feel like at this point I’m being used—I deeply cared and loved this person but now he makes me feel like crap…but then has no problem moments after trying to flirt with me. He has a very messy past—and I feel it has only unraveled over time and to me, is affecting his mental health as he isn’t acting like how he was years ago when I met him…he almost is getting worse and I’m being the dumb schmuck with a good heart (I feel) who always tries to help him when he needs it—even in a pinch. But tonight , I learned A LOT! There is other woman aside from the “lady friend” I knew about (who only wants a friendship as she is repairing her marriage). In regards to my feelings and emotions/my crying he showed a rather flat affect to, etc and then has the nerve to not try and calm me down , but twists it to how messed up his life is, how he lives in a place where he has to be careful going in and out of where he stays as he shouldn’t even be there and if he gets caught he will be homeless (I know where he stays)..then goes on to how he has to scrape for money most times as he squanders it in some way or over spends when he does have even a little on him, etc. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I know I will see him at work tomorrow and I am beyond furious and so upset...I’m one of those types of people that once I learn I’ve been lied to or things were hidden from me when being told “I tell you everything” come into light and I find out, I question even that persons worth in my life and I question everything they even tell me. He is good to me in a sense but if he lied about the amount of women who contact him whom he claims he had no relations with but now I question that because if he held back from telling me about these 2-3 women, now it makes me think if he’s even truthful about saying that or even anything.

Trust is a hard thing to build with someone and I built it with him through the last 5 years but honestly, I feel he fractured it tonight..pointing blame at me as to why he doesn’t get with women (claims he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings so he doesn’t and doesn’t tell me about them), etc. But it hurt more that he never even told me about them at all. I never even knew they existed. I’d rather him leave me be and do whatever he wants. It almost felt like he twisted everything like I was to blame for everything.

I am a social worker and I cannot believe I didn’t see the signs of how bad this person may be. My mind is so blown that I know for a fact there’s a term for this type of person and I can’t even think of it because my mind is so all over the place and how upset, pissed, and angry I am. (Maybe those who may know can let me know what the term is—it’s on the top of my tongue but I’m so angry and it “escapes” me).

How do I even act around him tomorrow? Or even going forward? We work together and again, he is usually rather nice but trying to remember that while working and not thinking of the explosive night tonight that we had is truly going to be hard. It’s like my feelings meant nothing..I almost feel like calling out sick tomorrow..or if not completely taking off, going in late to work just to try and get myself mentally prepared. As of now, I feel physically sick and I’ve already been dealing with health issues and this was the last thing I needed was him being basically careless and lacking any sort of empathy.

What do you suggest, Mighties? What are your thoughts on this all?

It’s crazy how quickly someone was so attached to you becomes almost the opposite, almost like you didn’t matter to them—that you only matter when they need something from you—like money or something. Really really hurts. I even made comments before I left work and said “maybe I should just never return here”. That’s how upset I was as he had NO empathy on how I felt, it all always twisted back to him, his woes, and how he is “looking after me” and how “years from now, you will thank me”… I can’t…I just can’t anymore…it seems like anytime I open up to anyone they hurt me…😞 he makes me almost want to relapse to how I was many years ago and taking it out on myself….😞 I know that isn’t the best thing so I came here to vent and hopefully get my mind off of wanting to do that—although the image of all that went down tonight is alive and constantly on my mind—hard to sleep, hard to eat— I just want to disappear..😞

#MentalHealth #Depression #SelfharmRecovery #Anxiety #Anxiety