self-harm recovery

I'm freaked out. My friend wanted me to hang out today, and I delayed it until this evening, but I still don't want to go, but I don't want her to hate me if I cancel, and in my head I know she won't hate me but she'll be disappointed and that's even worse. I already bailed out of a different obligation, which was the excuse I gave her for not being able to come over as early. I am low on money, and my sister needs me to fly out and visit her because she's having a hard time, she wants to have kids but can't yet and she's depressed and I'm worried about her but I'm also depressed! I have a package coming that I'm super excited about, it was supposed to be here Friday but got delayed, and now the website is down so I can't track it or see when it gets here and that makes me more sad which is stupid I'm so focused on physical things. The only happy note is I finally broke my record, and am 78 days clean. #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery #Depression #Anxiety #ADHD #ADHDInGirls

Today is a tough day.

I now have more lines on my arm. A darker feeling within me. An emotional feeling mixed with anxiety and shaky hands.

I am so tired of feeling down and silent and alone.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Addiction #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery

Hi Mighties..it’s been a while—with stress at work and stress from someone who I thought was my bestest friend, and then my health has not been quite well lately..it’s just been a whirlwind for me..tonight being the peak of the iceberg..

I was having a conversation with who I thought was my best friend (the “guy friend” who I spoke of many many times before). I started crying over things I felt, how I felt about him, etc. Forgot what triggered it..but then He goes to me, almost in a nasty tone and says , “you need to stop crying..I told you this is how it is” etc etc. I then tried to explain why I was crying, to try and clarify it and he almost didn’t want to hear it. It was almost like he went from being caring to downright nasty. He goes, “you don’t understand—stop crying, pull yourself together” then twists it all about him about how screwed up his life is, then proceeds to tell me things I didn’t even know— yet he always claimed he never held anything back from me and always told me “everything”. I feel like at this point I’m being used—I deeply cared and loved this person but now he makes me feel like crap…but then has no problem moments after trying to flirt with me. He has a very messy past—and I feel it has only unraveled over time and to me, is affecting his mental health as he isn’t acting like how he was years ago when I met him…he almost is getting worse and I’m being the dumb schmuck with a good heart (I feel) who always tries to help him when he needs it—even in a pinch. But tonight , I learned A LOT! There is other woman aside from the “lady friend” I knew about (who only wants a friendship as she is repairing her marriage). In regards to my feelings and emotions/my crying he showed a rather flat affect to, etc and then has the nerve to not try and calm me down , but twists it to how messed up his life is, how he lives in a place where he has to be careful going in and out of where he stays as he shouldn’t even be there and if he gets caught he will be homeless (I know where he stays)..then goes on to how he has to scrape for money most times as he squanders it in some way or over spends when he does have even a little on him, etc. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I know I will see him at work tomorrow and I am beyond furious and so upset...I’m one of those types of people that once I learn I’ve been lied to or things were hidden from me when being told “I tell you everything” come into light and I find out, I question even that persons worth in my life and I question everything they even tell me. He is good to me in a sense but if he lied about the amount of women who contact him whom he claims he had no relations with but now I question that because if he held back from telling me about these 2-3 women, now it makes me think if he’s even truthful about saying that or even anything.

Trust is a hard thing to build with someone and I built it with him through the last 5 years but honestly, I feel he fractured it tonight..pointing blame at me as to why he doesn’t get with women (claims he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings so he doesn’t and doesn’t tell me about them), etc. But it hurt more that he never even told me about them at all. I never even knew they existed. I’d rather him leave me be and do whatever he wants. It almost felt like he twisted everything like I was to blame for everything.

I am a social worker and I cannot believe I didn’t see the signs of how bad this person may be. My mind is so blown that I know for a fact there’s a term for this type of person and I can’t even think of it because my mind is so all over the place and how upset, pissed, and angry I am. (Maybe those who may know can let me know what the term is—it’s on the top of my tongue but I’m so angry and it “escapes” me).

How do I even act around him tomorrow? Or even going forward? We work together and again, he is usually rather nice but trying to remember that while working and not thinking of the explosive night tonight that we had is truly going to be hard. It’s like my feelings meant nothing..I almost feel like calling out sick tomorrow..or if not completely taking off, going in late to work just to try and get myself mentally prepared. As of now, I feel physically sick and I’ve already been dealing with health issues and this was the last thing I needed was him being basically careless and lacking any sort of empathy.

What do you suggest, Mighties? What are your thoughts on this all?

It’s crazy how quickly someone was so attached to you becomes almost the opposite, almost like you didn’t matter to them—that you only matter when they need something from you—like money or something. Really really hurts. I even made comments before I left work and said “maybe I should just never return here”. That’s how upset I was as he had NO empathy on how I felt, it all always twisted back to him, his woes, and how he is “looking after me” and how “years from now, you will thank me”… I can’t…I just can’t anymore…it seems like anytime I open up to anyone they hurt me…😞 he makes me almost want to relapse to how I was many years ago and taking it out on myself….😞 I know that isn’t the best thing so I came here to vent and hopefully get my mind off of wanting to do that—although the image of all that went down tonight is alive and constantly on my mind—hard to sleep, hard to eat— I just want to disappear..😞

#MentalHealth #Depression #SelfharmRecovery #Anxiety #Anxiety

I've been talking to a guy for a while know, and we're meeting up this weekend. He's started asking questions about why I'm on #Disability , what my #Bipolar (the only thing I've been open about yet) affects me and would affect us if we ended up dating. How and when do I open up about all the other stuff? I don't wanna #Trauma dump on him, but some of it really needs to be told so he can understand why I am the way I am. It's not something I'll be able to, or want to, hide. My #Trichotillomania gets bad when I'm #depressed , #anxious or get #triggered . Since I've been in a #depressive episode for a really long time now and struggle a lot with #SuicidalIdeation and thoughts about #Selfharm it's important he knows some stuff. I've been in #SelfharmRecovery for almost a year and a half and my scars are bad and ugly. I know he'll ask questions, and I have no clue how to open up to him as I barely know the guy.. Do you guys have some tips?