No love left
No one in my life loves or care about me. All it takes is me experiencing hardship and there is no support system. #lonely #SelfharmRecovery
No one in my life loves or care about me. All it takes is me experiencing hardship and there is no support system. #lonely #SelfharmRecovery
It’s said that men’s mental health can be a silent killer. 75% of suicides in Canada are by men. The subject seldom comes up in conversation. Media outlets make it a topic during Men’s Mental Health Month, held in June, I had to look it up.
It seems to me the best way to tackle a problem is to jump right in and start a conversation. 2017 after my accident I experienced a deep depression that was acerbated by the struggles with insurance companies. I found myself having thoughts of suicide but not just of hurting myself I wanted to bring attention to what I saw as an injustice by the insurance companies. I saw my life insurance policy as the last option to support my family.
I did see a psychologist. Our talks did help. At that time I didn’t open up as much as I should have. Feeling defeated and worried that if exposed too much I would be hospitalized. I didn’t reveal that the thoughts I had were actually plans.
There is our problem, the inability to open up. Pride, shame, likely it goes back to our inability to ask for directions. If we were able to ask for direction, maybe we could find a way to receiving the help we needed.
A psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of persistent depressive disorder with anxious distress. I was prescribed antidepressants to help even out my day.
Eventually, after two years I stopped having those thoughts. My anger with the insurance companies did not go away. It was no longer the front of my mind. There were times and there still are, mostly when I am alone, that I will fixate on them and the pain and anger comes to the surface again.
For a couple years everything was going well. I found an outlet for my anger and frustration through writing. I published my first book and had completed my second due out soon.
Out of nowhere the thoughts came back. What was the trigger, I could not say. The only thing that had changed was that there had been an increase in my headaches. More frequently and more severe. I was given a new medication to help with the headaches. The new thoughts started after I started the medication. The medication has no expected side effects of suicidal ideation. Taking a break from the medication has not stopped my thoughts from coming. They are now less violent but still there.
The biggest concern I have is that when I had thoughts of suicide in the past I wanted to expose the injustice by the insurance companies and to provide a financial support for my family. The thoughts this time have none of that attached to them. The only concern is to complete the task and how best to insure that it happens.
The first thought came to me while sitting on the deck with my dog. The sun was warm on my face and this violent thought comes over me. The thought became consuming. There was a deep sadness that came over me.
That afternoon I talked to my wife and let her know I was having thoughts. She talked to our grown children and they put a plan together. I was not going to be left alone. We played games, I sat through study sessions and we shared conversations.
A antidepressant was added, temporarily until a referral to the psychologist goes through.
I also contacted a local community health clinic for a counselling program. After my initial consultation a counselling plan was made.
Talking and being open about my mental health has come easier as time has gone on. Over the past few years I’ve been able to join in with a group of people that have survived brain injuries. They are very open about their own experiences. I had never given it much thought but they have had a positive impact on my acceptance of my new life.
Start a conversation, ask for directions.
Do you have a minute to talk, I think I need some help? There is no shame in asking for directions.
When is the best time to start a conversation? When your person says hi. When you connect on the phone, sitting down to eat, out for coffee.
Start the conversation. It is better to know that you needed help and asked than to hear you kept to yourself and you will be missed.
This time I have to focus harder on the important things in my life, the most important things that keeps me from completely a plan in the darkness. My family, their future, my future, being there tomorrow for them.
Having all of these plans in place has not stopped the thoughts from creeping in. The plans will give me tools to work through these days. Maybe I could have found my way out of the darkness again on my own. It is easier to walk the path when you are not alone. #SelfharmRecovery #BrainInjury #Recovery
I've tried to hate myself
Thinking that's how things will change
But it never helps, piling up the blame
Fighting fire with fire, hurt with more hurt
Breaking my own heart makes everything worse
I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
Then I can be kind, kind to myself
I know it sounds insane
But the old way wasn't working
I try to medicate
When the pain's under the surface
I've never healed by powering through
I had to learn how to see me the way that You do
I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
Then I can be kind, kind to myself
Hey (kind), don't misunderstand, it's not permission (kind)
It's conviction over condemnation (kind)
Oh, the curious love of God (kind)
It's such a better and sweeter song (kind)
It has a way of showing me what's really going on, going on, yeah
What does the voice in your head sound like
When you fail for the thousandth time?
Is it cruel or is it kind?
Oh, I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
I can be kind, kind to myself
I can be kind, kind to myself
I can be kind, kind to myself
#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Selfharm #CPTSD #PTSD #SelfharmRecovery #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia
Trigger warning: This poem contains depictions of past abuse and trauma. If you are sensitive to this line of topic, please do not read further then thie message. Your mental health is more important than the poems.
Hope you enjoy.....
.....
It is hard
Being my authentic self
Pressured to keep bad company
Despite affecting my mental health
What can I do?
No matter how
Hard I try
You'll always
Accuse me telling a lie
This is ridiculous
It feels as if
I am in a circus
The goal-post always changes
Without my acknowledgment
It is because I am “defective”
with “poor judgement”?
You insinuate that I cannot do
Anything without proof
But act differently towards others
And not aloof
Double standards reveals
True colours of an individual
Putting on a show
Or a facade
Yet, when I disagree
Your resentment would grow
Like a mustard tree
Taller than most houses as it seems
Deeply rooted onto the ground
Similar to my broken self-esteem
There are days
Where I cannot go on
And pretend anymore
Wearing a mask to please others
But what is this all for?
I desire to be seen
As clear as a crystal ball
Not to be treated poorly
Fate can be truly abysmal
My other siblings
Are treated with respect
One can even speak German
But with me?
I am seen as less
Than a vermin.
Being infantilized
Is one of the worst
Feeling ever
A disability
Does not suggest
you are less clever
Yet, here you are
With hatred and ableism
It is all you have
Might are well
Abuse me years ago
Does that ring a bell?
I have been battered,
Punched, spat and choked
By a loved one
But everyone find this to be a joke
Typical
Why am I not surprised anymore?
It is hard
Finding my voice through expression
As I am sinking in deep depression
When given a chance
To form words
I am ignored
Like a flock of mocking birds
A wise man told
Me this once
Blood is not thicker the
Water he said
Trusting the wrong people
Is what most dread
Sometimes I wish
I was never born
In a world
Where outcast given a
cold-shoulder or scorned
#MentalHealth #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Depression #Loneliness #Anxiety #MightyPoets #Selfcare #Trauma #ChronicFatigue #Neurodiversity #SocialAnxiety #SelfharmRecovery #Grief
TRIGGER WARNING: This poem contains sensitive topics such as suicidal ideations, mental health and anxiety. If you cannot handle such sensitive imagery, please do not read further than this message. I am receiving professional help at the moment and recovering from suicidal ideations. This poem is just me expressing my pain.
Hope you enjoy.....
......
As I lay on my side
Questioning my existence
After life’s crazy ride
Struggling to make sense of things
Why am I lost
In my own dark thoughts?
Am I in the wrong?
My fives primal sense
Once was active, clear and robust
Now is nothing more
than a shallow husk
Each day gets harder
To leave my bed
Pondering “Perhaps
I would be better off dead.”
Am I in the wrong?
The lights are on
But no one is there
As I reach out for help
No person seems to care
Am I in the wrong?
Whilst in social settings
My mask often tightens the grip
In hopes of never being discovered
Yet, when I snapped
It’s harder to be recovered
Although I may not appear it
I am a freak
With a wounded spirit
Who needs deep healing
Am I in the wrong?
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #MightyPoets #Loneliness #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Neurodiversity #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Selfcare #SelfharmRecovery #SocialAnxiety #ablelism
#SuicideAttemptSurvivors #suicidal #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery #MentalHealth
I got some shii goin on in my head rn I thought I was getting better, things are getting worse I am at my lowest and it feels like the year just started. I cant think my mind is jumbled, perhaps all i am looking for is an escape from this harsh reality growing up suicidal is kinda weird cuh i didn't think id still be alive rn so idk what im supposed to do with my life or where im going because i never planned on being here for it. i tried commiting suicide the other day and i aint ever doing that shit again (hopefully). i almost fricking killed myself. Anyways, suicide is not a joke it should be taken more seriously than it is. It is just as important and a sprained ankle same with a broken arm. Suicidal thoughts never truly "go away" we just find something to distract ourselves with. I am scared of my mind. But i think ill be okay. Love everyone and anyone taking the time to read this. Hey before you go.
answer this:
Before i die i want to_______________
for me
Be the person i am meant to be and have that be enough.
There is More talk about Self-Care than the Most Critical Key to Happiness and Great Relationships of all types——-“SELF-LOVE”.
With this in-depth look at what Self-Love looks like-for your own personal growth, I would like you to take an honest look inwards and determine if you Practice Self-Love.
If you’re not, or if you’re not doing all of the bullet points given below, don’t worry— “Each morning, we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.”
As always, let’s have a great conversation about this topic below 👇 in the comments where you can use this space for your own place in your mental wellness journey. Not your mental illness journey— I am here as a friend to guide you through to the other side as much as possible—yes, that is where I stand, and the magic only happens if you let me—so how about more group members join in for your sake.
The Mighty friends that have opened themselves up to this opportunity are telling me and showing me that they are really starting to get it, and they are taking bigger, new, determined steps in their lives.
"Self-Love" refers to a deeper internal state of accepting and valuing yourself unconditionally, while "self-care" focuses on taking practical actions to maintain your physical and mental wellbeing, like getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and engaging in activities you enjoy; essentially, self-love is the mindset that drives you to practice self-care. Self-Love is the mindset too that heals the pain and keeps you in the light, Determined to keep pushing away any darkness and to stop doubting yourself.
Key points to remember:
* Self-love:
* A feeling of intrinsic worth and acceptance, regardless of circumstances
* Becoming your own best friend - treating yourself with the same respect and understanding you would give a close friend.
* Be the love you never received.
* Includes embracing your flaws
* Foundation for setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing your needs
* learn to say no when needed and clearly explain why
* Don’t seek Anyone’s validation
* Positive self-talk: Use encouraging language to speak to yourself, focusing on your strengths and accomplishments.
* Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, recognizing negative self-talk and actively replacing it with positive affirmations/relabel upsetting thoughts
* Say something nice to yourself in the mirror — looking into your eyes & smile at yourself & say “I love you”and your name. (Yes, I actually stop myself to do this & it’s Wonderful)
* cultivate self-compassion
* Encourage Yourself
* Talk to someone you trust who *Has The Capacity To Listen*-and, Another Big Key Here is that ***Being vulnerable - completely honest and thorough- about what you’re going through with someone else is a major form of self-love because you’re taking the time to dig deep, regardless of how uncomfortable it is, And, on top of that, you’re showing yourself that you want to work out whatever’s going on with you***
* avoid comparing yourself to others
* practice gratitude
* Seek out opportunities for growth
* Creating a safe zone all your own is an act of self-love because it gives you a designated area where you can focus on your needs and emotions instead of other people’s. The key here is creating a space that feels good and peaceful when life is neither of those things.
#MentalHealth #Mindfulness #Selflove #Selfcare #Selfharm #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Trauma #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Agoraphobia #BingeEatingDisorder #EatingDisorders #EatingDisorder #ChronicIllness #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #LymeDisease #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #AutonomicDysfunction #AuditoryProcessingDisorder #Deafness #ADHDInGirls #ADHD #AspergersSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Addiction #CerebralPalsy #IntellectualDisability #Disability #Blindness #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #Migraine #IfYouFeelHopeless #BrainInjury #MotorDisorders #MultipleSclerosis #RheumatoidArthritis #Arthritis #Grief #Loneliness #AnorexiaNervosa #Relationships #SocialAnxiety #FamilyAndFriends #Caregiving #CrohnsDisease #CysticFibrosis #AlopeciaAreata #Cancers #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #ParkinsonsDisease #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #POTS #Stroke #Diabetes #SelfharmRecovery #RareDisease #DownSyndrome #AddisonsDisease #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveandRelatedDisorders #ObsessiveCompulsivePersonalityDisorder #DissociativeIdentityDisorder
I'm freaked out. My friend wanted me to hang out today, and I delayed it until this evening, but I still don't want to go, but I don't want her to hate me if I cancel, and in my head I know she won't hate me but she'll be disappointed and that's even worse. I already bailed out of a different obligation, which was the excuse I gave her for not being able to come over as early. I am low on money, and my sister needs me to fly out and visit her because she's having a hard time, she wants to have kids but can't yet and she's depressed and I'm worried about her but I'm also depressed! I have a package coming that I'm super excited about, it was supposed to be here Friday but got delayed, and now the website is down so I can't track it or see when it gets here and that makes me more sad which is stupid I'm so focused on physical things. The only happy note is I finally broke my record, and am 78 days clean. #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery #Depression #Anxiety #ADHD #ADHDInGirls
Today is a tough day.
I now have more lines on my arm. A darker feeling within me. An emotional feeling mixed with anxiety and shaky hands.
I am so tired of feeling down and silent and alone.
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Addiction #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery