smiling depression

Some days getting out of bed can be so hard. I try to find healing ❤️‍🩹 in my gardens. As I was having my coffee ☕️ I saw this bee 🐝 in my flowers 🌸 I’ve began to call my gardens dirt therapy on my #SmilingDepression days and when #AnxietySymptoms are trying to control me.

My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

Thanks for listening.
♧♧♧

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression

I cleaned my kitchen! As that may seem like a simple task. I want to elaborate on it.
February 2021, my 70+-year-old mom broke her leg and developed a blood clot. She was on bed rest, and I would take care of her.
In August, I decided I wanted my Ph.D. My father gave me his blessings to pursue it. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2020. At the end of August, he was placed on 'in-home' hospice. 'End of life' was his cause. From one week to the next, he started slowly deteriorating, a tough thing to watch. He passed on October 11, 2021.
Since I still had work, school, mom, kids, and dogs, I wouldn't allow myself to fall apart. Depression was at the foot of my door, and I was on the other side, laying bricks to keep it from fully coming in.
I knew I was depressed, Walking depression. I couldn't get out of bed, and I'd force myself. I pushed away my friends; I'd blame it on homework. I stopped cleaning. I gave my teenagers chores. They saw a busy mom, so they took on the task.
On March 30, 2022. My mom was diagnosed with early stages of
frontotemporal Dementia. I had only studied every bit there was about Alzheimer's. What is this?! The wall I built to hold my depression out came falling. It felt like a ton of bricks fell on me. I couldn't believe it, and I didn't want to consider my mom would go through this.
For a week, I mainly stood in bed. I half-assed my homework. I tried to keep up with work, and I barely ate. I'd check on my mom and go back to bed. I bought the kids food to air fry. My soul felt exhausted; I felt wholly defeated. I questioned the why, "why should anyone want to struggle to make a life if the end is like this?" "There is an end for all of us; what's the point?"
I came out of my house and sat with my mom. She loves to garden, and she is exceptionally creative. She makes things out of almost everything. I asked her, "how are you feeling with the news of your dementia?" She said, "I haven't forgotten anything yet; I want to take advantage of every moment I have left because life is too precious not to enjoy."
Although I know that to be true, this is what I had practiced with my dad. Knowing my mom, best friend and backbone, would soon no longer be herself, mentally and emotionally, was tearing me apart. Hearing the strength in my mom's voice, and hearing her want to live life the way that makes her happy, changed my thought process. I'm still sad, but I have a purpose for waking up. Because she wakes up, my kids wake up. I'll continue my Ph.D. as much as possible because it's a personal goal, and I'm ok with not finishing it if I cannot.
I want to enjoy every moment and treasure it until I no longer can. Live the simple life. I have let go of everything that tends to hold me back, my anxiety and depression, by believing that I cannot control life and what is destined for us. But I will enjoy it as much as I can. So today, I played music loudly and deep cleaned my kitchen.

Grieving a living person is one of the hardest things I've had to do. I've had people tell me it was my fault that they aren't in my life anymore and that I have no right to mourn. They couldn't see that I wasn't mourning the person, but the relationship that we had had and the one we might have had. How do you explain that?

I didn’t know how to answer. I have had 3 immediate family members and my 2nd Dad(father-in-law) pass in the last 5 years. Im still grieving the first death which is a younger brother. He’s is about 18 months younger. We are very close. He is in everyone of my dreams. Aggravating me as usual. If he didn’t it wouldn’t be him , but we love each other very much. I can’t seem to progress and move to the next step. Im also dealing with autoimmune issues, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia chronic pain and fatigue, hyperthyroidism, diabetes, nodules on my forehead but not quite a Klingon. It’s an inside joke , I get chronic pancreatitis, Every joint hurts something weird is going on with my eyes upperlids lumbar spondylitis etc…. I just want someone to understand. This happened at birth born without right ear and can’t hear. Also had extra vertebrae in my lower spine. And still all I want is someone to listen or hear me vent my husband is sweet an does try but he doesn’t understand only those whom have experience them truly get it. My mom understood but I lost her in August 2020. Lost my dad July 4th 2021. He missed mom. My father in law passed on March 15,2022. I don’t hate death my family had some health issues, but their are at peace. Im a spiritual person. I believe in heaven. I miss them so much. Thank you 🙏🏼 for listening. If you need to vent I would be happy to listen #grieving #struggling #neverendingillnesses #SmilingDepression my brother who passed he was 44 is first then me then my youngest brother He was my best friend!💔

Fun taking pictures at the zoo. Made me happy. #FuriouslyHappy

I am currently going through what feels life a major life crisis. I am 2 weeks out of the hospital and feeling so much pain.
It seems I have only pretended to have some happiness here and there. Like I said, it seems. I can only feel all of the bad right now.. feel all of the sadness.. it seems every single bad feeling I have ever stuffed away is at the forefront, greeting me. I am just trying to catch up on the college work I missed... I am trying to catch up on art commissions. I have sent the kids away so I can focus. I am waiting on therapy... Attending therapy with my sisters.... Overwhelmed is a HUGE understatement for me currently. How do I do this, realistically?
When I try to think about the smallest of goals just for the week, it goes from zero to 10000000 in thought process. I feel like I need someone to hold me hand. God, please carry me while I can not walk.
Love,
Kim